Aurora Health Foundation – Helping Survivors of Child Abuse

I feel compelled to bring one organization to everyone’s attention because they’ve really helped personally me along the way, and so if there are any people who feel that they want to support an amazing charitable organization, or need help themselves, they should get in touch!

Aurora Health Foundation – a Southwest-London based therapy center is a very unique healing place for survivors of childhood abuse (both men and women). They were founded in 2006 (I started going in January 2008) as a then-therapist Susannah Faithfull wanted to establish a therapeutic community and a holistic healing place for people who might not get the same kind of help elsewhere.

I found them through a Google search, and I will never forget the day I was meant to go for an assessment: the train was late, I took the wrong bus, I got lost. I was on the phone with them along the way and they were always just encouraging me to get there safe, and finally came find me from a side street as I was anxiously walking around.

I joined a women’s support group which enormously helped me deal with a lot of my issues – it wasn’t always easy, and there were conflicts (as there would be with a group of survivors) but we always worked through all of the issues, and I felt supported, heard, and cared about.

I also attended psychotherapy sessions for years – as it was open-ended, I never felt like I “only had so and so many sessions left” and panicked, or shut down, or anything like that.

Aurora offers traditional talking therapy and support groups, but also different kinds of body work to help you heal both from the psychological and physical traumas of the past. Their integrated approach is very unique, and having been treated through the National Health Service, as well as in Finland in the public health system, and also at a few other organizations that work with survivors, I have never had a similar experience.

They are funded through donations and client fees, so if you feel able to donate to a good cause and help the organization stay in business of helping survivors, please give whatever you can (I know this as I have volunteered for them, and am quite familiar with this place now. It’s like, being a part of a family 🙂 )

I know that Susannah had a vision of building a safe therapeutic community where survivors could come to heal and have meaningful interactions with other survivors, and I really now with hindsight feel that I wish I could continue therapy there as it’s really empowering to be in a setting where absolutely no one judges you.

A lot of the staff are survivors themselves, and volunteer their time also, so it’s a very unique little charity that doesn’t have the sex appeal of large organizations and a big group of donors, but if you feel able to, please support them in any way you can!

Okay that was that, I just really felt compelled to write about Aurora, and if you live in London and feel that you’d need to access their services, please get in touch with them!

I really wish there was an Aurora here in Miami, but until that happens, I will keep the place close to my heart and hope they do well as they deserve to get all the help they can, for them to be able to help others.

LittleGirlInTheRain

(very appropriate, we’re having torrential rain in Miami right now)

 

 

 

 

 

Paradise

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach so
She ran away in her sleep
And dreamed of
Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise
Every time she closed her eyes

These are the lyrics for Coldplay’s song “Paradise” (see here for the  Youtube video for the song) . I heard it this morning when randomly watching Youtube videos while working on a project, and the lyrics just touched my soul – I see so much of myself in them that I have to keep listening to the song over and over again.

I remember that when I was a very little girl – even before my parents divorced – I had an imaginary world where I’d escape. I used to close my eyes while lying in my bunk bed, and dream that there was a door on the wall, and a secret tunnel inside the structure that would take me all the way down to a secret hiding place where I was the Princess of all the people who lived there, and everyone in that underworld loved me and treated me really nicely.

I spent the moments before falling asleep fantasizing about what it was like to take the elevator down the tunnel in the wall and arrive to find smiling happy people who celebrated me and everything I did. I created complex stories of boys who all wanted to be with me  – sometimes the fantasies did turn very disgustingly sexual, and I cringe when I think about those sick images I used to conjure up – they were way inappropriate for my age.

But what else could I have known? This was my little heaven, a piece of paradise where I could escape to when the lights were off. I knew what love and approval was through sexual acts, so it makes perfect sense that even in my imaginary world this is how I gained popularity and admiration.

I used to stare at the wall wishing the magical door would appear. Even today I sometimes lie curled up, staring at a wall – no matter where I am sleeping – and just imagine that behind the wallpaper there might be a way out of all the bad things in this world.

To all the little and big girls who expected the world but who got mistreated, abused, beaten or put down, remember, that when you close your eyes, you too can feel that you are in paradise.

Much love,

LittleGirl

In the popular media

I was up last night watching a Swedish movie called Lilja 4-ever, and this film inspired me to write a post about movies and books which feature the topics of sexual abuse, trauma, abuse, and rape.

At this point I have to say that please be really careful with what you choose to watch and read; traumatic and painful imagery and topics can sometimes very surprisingly hook into your own pain and memories, and so be mindful of how much of that you can bare. It is okay to be in a vulnerable place and avoid any reminders of human pain.

I think sometimes I have thought I was strong enough; I remember being quite young but caught reading an adults’ book about two young women getting lost on a road trip and ending up in a house where one of them got raped, and I cried and cried when my mom found out that I was reading the book. She tried to console me by trying to tell me about rape, when in reality the only thing I cried about was the cat that the women had had, that had run away and gotten hit by a car!

I can get very emotional especially over words or imagery, and so it comes as no surprise that when I went to see the film Mississippi Damned at the BFI LGFF a year ago, I started crying during the first ten minutes and didn’t stop until the end. My friend and I went to speak with the director, and even then I kept sobbing (at the same time wishing she – herself a survivor of abuse whose life story was depicted in the movie – would console me as she surely should recognize a fellow survivor…No, she didn’t.)

This movie is an absolute gem – a heartbreaking survival story of a young Black woman growing up in poverty in Mississippi, where her whole surroundings are full of abuse, poverty, substance abuse and illness. It is a powerful and beautiful story of one woman deciding to overcome her setbacks, and I must admit the acting is top-notch even though a lot of the actors and actresses were pretty unknown at the time of the making of the film. Definitely worth watching, I highly recommend this one!

Mississippi Damned

As I mentioned in the beginning, I watched Lilja 4-ever last night. I thought it was going to be a tragic Swedish movie about a Russian girl, but (although it was all of those things as well) it turned out to be a lot more. Painfully beautiful story of a young Russian girl wanting to escape the sorrows of her existence in poverty in small-town Russia, she falls in love with a guy who sends her to work in Sweden, only for her to find out that she has ended up as a sex slave unable to escape.

The beautiful ending seals the deal, and I really did shed a tear for the girl, mostly because I could really connect with the rawness of her pain and the desperation in her young soul.

Lilja 4-Ever movie poster

There is another piece of media that I would really recommend – A Piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown. This is another survival story, this time of a young African American girl growing up in a foster home where she endures sexual and physical abuse, and grows up with her soul shattered and ends up a crack user on the streets of L.A.

The story is inspiring as in the book Cupcake (her real name!) recounts the events that made her who she is today, and how she lifted herself literally from the bottom of hell to a top place in society. I swear you will cry at least once whilst reading!

If you have any suggestions on what to watch or read that would relate to the mentioned issues, leave me a comment 🙂

Have a wonderful day,

LittleGirl

Sexual Healing

I was on the Underground this morning coming to my office job when I happened to bump into an article in the free morning paper, Metro.  It was about a therapist named Mike Lousada who runs his own practice where he concentrates on the sexual healing of women – the paper named his clients as women who can’t orgasm, as well as sexual abuse victims.

In the article, titled: ‘Orgasm guru’ wants to bring his services to the NHS, Lousada says his work includes “conversation, meditation and sensual massage” including massage of the genital area (“yoni” in sanskrit).

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, this article and it’s topic hit close to home. I have suffered from a variety of sexual problems – perhaps too much information, but as I attempt to be as honest in my online diary as possible, and I stay anonymous, I don’t mind revealing my most intimate painful secrets.

Although in therapy, I have never attempted to directly deal with the issues relating to my wounded sexuality. Perhaps it is not yet time, and also it is so painful and embarrassing to discuss these issues even with a therapist you trust. This is the exact point where you were hurt, and sometimes the emotional wounds are too deep to even go there, even years after.

I would like to one day deal with that part of my wounded child and the effects the abuse left on the little me (which now continue even in my late 20s…..) but I am not sure at all I would allow a male therapist touch me in my vagina! The methods this therapist discusses for healing female victims of sexual trauma are just a bit chilling and I am very uncomfortable thinking some survivors would subject themselves to his therapy….

Like, seriously, does this guy think it is appropriate in any way to take a victimized woman and put her in a position where she can be re-victimized in an attempt to give her an orgasm?

Maybe a lady with a bit of an orgasm problem but with a healthy self-esteem and body image could perhaps be helped by his methods, but really….sexual abuse is a seriously crippling and traumatizing thing to happen to a woman, and to heal sexually is not easy and surely it would be appropriate to speak about it, to allow slow healing to take place for the woman to then create her own trusting intimate relationships within which to explore her sexual side?

What do you think?

– LittleGirl

A little pain won’t hurt?

What is the most intimate thing you have gone through in your life?

Maybe it’s childbirth. It must be painfully intimate to allow medical personnel to interfere with your most secret places of your body.

It could also be when you finally open up to your sexual partner and allow them into your world with the deepest secrets, wishes, desires and passions.

For survivors these kinds of situations don’t come easily. It is our genital area that was the site of violence, inappropriate touching, embarrassment, often at a very young age. These intimate encounters in our adult lives it can be scary if not a downright impossible task, and I must say that at least for me the thought of one day giving birth is just unthinkable.

There are things that I am more and more comfortable doing – open up more and more to my boyfriend in a sexual way, for example. I did decide to push my boundaries a little bit more and I booked a Brazilian wax. Now, again this might not seem like a big deal for some, but for me it’s huge.

The thought of getting naked in front of a stranger, spreading my legs and experiencing pain are not on top of my wish-list for how to spend an afternoon, but I did it anyway.

So I made my way to a salon in North London where I had booked the waxing through using a KGB deals. I got there early and was already sweating it – I had all these questions in my head like what if it hurts, what if she is like ewww about my private parts, or what if I get too embarrassed and can’t continue.

It was fine though – I had to strip down below my waist and lie on my back. I was too embarrassed to ask any questions, but I did ask if it was going to hurt. The lady said yes. And I panicked. It was humiliating to lie exposed under a bright light, but I thought I have to go through this to prove to myself that I can be okay one day.

The lady was right, it did hurt. Every time she pulled the wax strip off I screamed. After a few areas and I was shaking, it’s really intolerable pain (of course not compared to child birth I’m sure, but painful in any case) . It was over in 10 minutes, and the lady left me alone in the room to get dressed.

I can’t say I felt good – I had wanted to get rid of the hair (usually I shave, FYI, or should I say, TMI) but somehow I felt humiliated and dirty and disgusting afterwards as I had just done something to alter that area; I felt super-sexual in a bad way, like enhancing that part was dirty and naughty in a disgusting way.

I walked out and swallowed my feelings. I showed it to my boyfriend and he liked it, and I guess now I like it too. It is…enhancing and making areas pretty that survivors often feel are dirty and disgusting, and actually doing this has made me more comfortable being intimate.

Not sure if I’d recommend it to just anyone – I know survivors or abuse that can’t handle massage, so an experience this intimate and painful, with a sexual innuendo, could be harmful for some.

For me it worked, and I’m sure to do it again. Maybe it gets  less painful, and as the lady explained, she has been doing this for 15 years and is used to it, I can be more comfortable next time as they probably really don’t care what mine looks like as they’ve seen it all.

Comments, anyone? I’d love to hear from a beautician if they had an experience with a survivor as a client.

Love&Life, LittleGirl

Resources for You

When you are a survivor of any kind of abuse, it is extremely terrifying and hard to seek help.

A lot of us continue living with memories, illness (be it mental or physical), problems and abuse-related behavior patterns throughout our lives, and it breaks my heart to know that so many will never get any help.

As I am not a professional counselor, I can’t slip in my phone number and say call me, but I can however make it a little bit easier for people to at least get to resources where they can get help – even if it is reading about abuse or how to heal.

**As I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse by a father, it comes to me naturally to talk about this kind of abuse. However, I try to be inclusive and list other stuff too**

In many countries, there are specific non-profit organizations that are dedicated to the cause – as I live in Britain I have listed a few here that have offered me information, resources, and information on how to find therapy.

Rape and Sexual Abuse Support Centre in the UK – good general stuff and links to other services.

The National Association for People Abused in Childhood – NAPAC, is another very good resource to get started with.

Amazon have a good selection of “self-help” books as well as non-fiction- I have always ordered all my reading online as it is more anonymous than walking to a book store!

On facebook there is tons of groups, societies and pages dedicated to the topic. Just search for them on using the Search button – I found this quite interesting:  Surviving Sexual Abuse in the Caribbean

There are a few smaller local organizations; Aurora Health Foundation, located in south-west London, and One in Four, located in south London.

If you have any suggestions, please add them below in comments! Knowledge is Power!

 

With much love,

LittleGirl

 

 

 

 

 

Is violence ever justifiable?

Seems so…At least in the popular media.

Just one example is Rihanna‘s new music video “Man Down” where she is raped by a guy she met a club in Jamaica, and then proceeds to shooting him dead the next day.

The video has created controversy; it has shocked many, whereas some say it is empowering. To take the justice into one own’s hands is a very powerful act and resonates strength, especially in our societies where rape and abuse victims are often blamed for the crimes committed against them.

On the other hand, shooting the perpetrator doesn’t do much good in real life; should I go and murder the father who abused me would definitely land me in jail for the rest of my life.

What is a survivor or a victim to do? The criminal justice system offers bleak prospects for any wishing for justice and fairness, so I totally understand why someone would choose to pay violently for violence committed against them. Whether this is good for the her own soul is debatable….

What do you think? Should violence be paid for by violence, or can we rely on the criminal justice system to right the wrongs committed by sexual predators?

With much love, LittleGirl

Pissed off

Why?

Because on Saturday I bumped into a film online and decided to watch it. Vaguely familiar with Louis Theroux, I thought his documentary on pedophiles would be…an interesting watch.

Not to ruin the experience for others, I am not going to go into the whole story, but basically, it got me really pissed off.

In the film, Louis travels to a treatment facility for pedophiles, and by using commentary and primary interviews, he delves into what these men had done, and whether it was possible to change through therapy.

Fair enough, but what really got to me was that at no point did make a point about the fact that although the state of California spend over $200,000 a year on each convicted pedophile, no mention is made how much is spent on the rehabilitation of their victims.

My guess is, not much if at all.

So for all of us who have to daily live with the memories of our childhoods spent under the constant threat of sexual abuse, films like these are a piss-take. It feels like Louis Theroux just spat in my face with the documentary, and after the film I had to battle with really strong emotions dealing with bitterness, anger and being hurt and disregarded.

I’m not saying these films should not be made, I’m just saying that it would be awfully nice if someone built a treatment facility for us survivors to get our lives back on track, if that even is possible….

As always, please comment.

Much love,

LittleGirl

Not so traditional Book Review

One frustrating thing about trying to hold up an image of a “normal” person while healing from childhood sexual abuse is that it is very draining to live two lives, and it is so easy to slip into the life of the “successful” 9-5 worker instead of allocating enough time for the Little Girl inside of me who’s screaming for help.

So much has happened over the past couple of weeks, which I’m hoping to be able to write about in the coming days, but one thing that has helped me move forward is reading. When there is no one to talk to, when I have no time to write my thoughts down, I often do have time to read.

On my way to work on the bus, on the way to a client meeting, or simply at home just before I go to bed (I know, this does stir some strong feelings, and I often can’t sleep, but my need to comfort myself by reading is bigger than my need to sleep) – there are ways and there is time, I just have to make it.

The one book that I keep reading over and over again is The Courage To Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Courage-Heal-Guide-Survivors-Sexual/dp/0091884209/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1290343237&sr=8-1 From Amazon.co.uk, it’s super cheap as well 🙂

Some of the pages of my copy have fallen off ….



My copy of the Courage To Heal

I read it A LOT – the best things about this book are:

– It doesn’t have to be read in a chronological order; you can choose a chapter according to what you’re dealing with at that particular point in time

– It offers writing exercises for those who really want to dig deeper into their own souls.

– There are practical examples to back the stuff they talk about, for example, excerpts from what other Survivors have said.

– It is VERY comprehensive because it covers everything from recognizing and honoring the effects of the abuse, to how to change, and how to deal with specific issues such as sexual problems, anger, and confronting the abuser.

This book alone has helped me so so so much, and if I ever had the chance to meet the authors (I think they live in California so far far away) I would probably thank them from the bottom of my heart.

The second book that I bought after having dealt with the memories for a few years already (I ordered The Courage To Heal from Amazon about 6 months after my first flashback) was about how to work with the Inner Child

Again, from Amazon.co.uk at http://www.amazon.co.uk/Rescuing-Inner-Child-Sexually-Children/dp/0285650890/ref=pd_sim_b_3

I haven’t actually read this book fully for two reasons:

1. At the time I thought I was ready to deal with the inner child, which is why I got the book in the first place, but after starting to read I felt I wasn’t able to touch that subject yet, and kind of left it lying on my desk. Then I had to move, and now that I’d like to read it, I can’t find it from anywhere! To be honest, I am homeless and the book is in a box in my boyfriend’s mom’s garage (I live with him temporarily) so it can be found, but I just have no energy.

2. The other reason for not continuing reading was that this book requires a lot of work; there are writing exercises and such, and again, at that/this point, I have no energy to do this.

I must say, I cannot wait for the day when I do find the book and have the energy to delve into it, as it sounds very promising (excerpt from Amazon)

“RESCUING THE ‘INNER CHILD’ – Therapy for Adults Sexually Abused as Children – by Penny Parks. – Amid the recent welcome campaign to help child victims of sexual abuse, one group of victims has remained largely untapped: the many thousands of adults who have grown up emotionally crippled by the huge burden of guilt and self-disgust that is the legacy of child abuse, and who are now ongoing victims, unable to form mature sexual relationships, unable to function as adults. Their manifold problems are so acute that few of them can regain their emotional health without professional intervention. Many of these people are now being helped by Parks Inner Child Therapy, and in this important book Penny Parks describes her techniques so that thousands more can be reached and guided to maturity. Her aim is to get through to the hurt child at the adult’s core. By showing her clients how to re-enact their childhood memories, face their experiences and receive the comfort and reassurance that they so badly needed at the time, she helps to desensitise the pain. she encourages them to vent their suppressed anger, guilt and bitterness, to understand what happened to them and gradually to grow and come to terms with themselves and their sexuality. Throughout the book her clients contribute their own experiences, not only of the past, but of the process of the therapy and restoration. Their memories and feelings make painful, often shocking reading but through them other victims and their partners will be able to work out their own necessarily hurtful path to recovery. The effects of sexual abuse have too often been belittled in the past. This book lays bare the full scale of the lasting trauma that is inflicted and provides practical and sympathetic techniques to heal the wounds.”

Can’t wait!!!!!

Last Week I was really anxious once again and went online wanting to get something that would help me to deal with life, with my surfacing memories, with the anxiety and practically everything that I’m dealing with at the moment.

I found this:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Breaking-Free-Survivors-Sexual-Insight/dp/0859698106/ref=pd_cp_b_2

It is British-written book on Surviving childhood sexual abuse, aimed at adult survivors (both male and female, although there is an emphasis on women), and I do find it pretty useful.

As with The Courage, one can skip to the chapter that deals with whatever you’re dealing with at that point, so there is no need to read it from cover to cover. There are real-life examples, and the authors are VERY sympathetic to the cause and have this beautiful way of offering comfort and nurture through their writing, and I found that really soothing as I was sitting on the bus reading it while wrapped in my winter coat and drinking hot tea from my age-old Starbucks flask.

It does not, however compare completely with The Courage To Heal; reading it I often felt that they just scratched the surface, and so much was left unsaid.

I haven’t finished the book yet, but skimming it through gives you an indication of what to expect, and I feel that this book will be a great addition to my collection instead of becoming the book that I will turn to when I need comfort.

It does include stuff on how the NHS (National Health Service) is tackling the issue, so hopefully by reading this I’ll have more knowledge on how I might get help.

Having recently received a warning at work because of my poor performance I have decided to work on my self-confidence. I mean, on the surface people at work think I lack knowledge or confidence to do things the right way, but in my heart I know that my low self-esteem permeates everything in my life, and it is soooo frustrating to pretend to be confident while still failing, and then taking the slack for it, when the Little Girl inside of me screams “It’s not my fault!”

While I struggle with not wanting to give excuses and wanting to be “normal”, I cannot push aside that so much was taken from me, and that I SHOULD be allowed to be honest about it, and people SHOULD treat me with compassion. Yet in the real harsh world, it doesn’t work like this, and on top of having to deal with the pain, the anger, the sadness and the ravaging heartache, I have to work twice as hard in “the real world” to achieve what others achieve.

It is NOT fair, but it is what it is.

So, knowing I have low self esteem, and lack self confidence, I thought that on top of working on healing myself, I could at least think about how to gain confidence, and I bought this book:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Self-confidence-Remarkable-Truth-Change-Difference/dp/1906465827/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1290347574&sr=1-2

I just literally picked it from the long list (sadly, there are tons of self-help books for self confidence yet only a few for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Not fair) and I haven’t even really started reading, but I promise to start tonight, and see how it goes. Maybe I can heal that part of me if I just put my mind into it.

On that note, I’m going to go back to bed with my huge mug of  Twinings Mango Green Tea and continue my lazy Sunday.

Love & Light,

Little Girl

* Note:  ALL my books on this topic are from Amazon. They must be making big bucks from self help books around this topic as it is easier to order anonymously than walk to a book store and buy them….Just a thought.

Some interesting articles I’ve found

Trawling through the net for inspiring articles on healing from childhood sexual abuse can be a task, which is why I went and found a few for everyone to read on this topic-

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5875996/how_to_recover_from_child_sexual_abuse.html?cat=5

An interview with a therapist – very short article

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/do-not-suffer-alone-sexual-abuse-counseling-can-help.html

Another short article regarding counselling.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/overcoming-child-abuse/201010/oprahs-interview-tyler-perry

Oprah interviewing Tyler Perry – also see a clip of the video on Oprah’s website: http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Tyler-Perry-Talks-About-Being-Abused-Video

http://www.chicagoreporter.com/index.php/c/Editor’s_Note/d/When_silence_is_not_golden

Tackling the issue of silence around abuse.

That’s all for now – I shall try compile a better selection of interesting articles soon.

LittleGirl