About Me

About me…Well, I am a female, just turned thirty, living in Miami.

I’m originally from Scandinavia, was abused sexually and emotionally in my childhood by my father, “forgot” about it until it started coming back in flashbacks 8 years ago.

There was domestic violence going on as well, and I know my father abused other girls. Not sure about my brother. I left as soon as I could, traveled around and mostly lived in England for ten years before my move to the US.

I’ve been diagnosed with various mental health issues in my life – , obsessive compulsive disorder, adolescent maladjustment, anorexia nervosa, depression, borderline personality disorder, anxiety..I think it all comes from my childhood. It’s like, I was happy in a way, but..something was always wrong. The trauma and abuse gave me a blueprint of emotional instability and restlessness.

I got married in 2013 to a wonderful man who kind of knows about my abuse but we don’t talk about it. After being raped in college and having been in many unhealthy relationships, his “normalcy” is welcoming, but stressful to a person like me.

This blog started out as a way of writing a journal about my emotions in a raw and honest manner, and I have since met wonderful people through the online community of survivors.

I chose the name Little Girl In The Rain because it’s kind of how I feel; quite alone in my distress yet seemingly calm; a girl enjoying the downpour while knowing I’m on my own in this world and the only person who can save me is me.

The water is cleansing, but it has an element of self-harm; torture of the self with elements of nature that are both good for you yet painful.

I thank you for stopping by, please say hello, and if there is anything you feel you’d like to hear me write about, let me know!

12 thoughts on “About Me

  1. Well, I certainly commend you for being brave enough to share your story! We, you and I have a lot of similarities. I’ve been off anti-depressants for a year. (After, many years of being on them) I too, think it’s bullshit, and that a veil has been lifted. As a matter of fact, that’s exactly what I typed in the google bar. “Off antidepressants and feel like a veil has been lifted. They, in my opinion, numb you out, but also make depression worse. (At least for me) I suffer from anxiety, debilitating anxiety, that didn’t show up until I was in my mid twenties. I too was very independent. (Until the anxiety started) I didn’t want to let anyone in, not even my husband because I might show my “real” self. The vulnerable, broken person, that wasn’t suppose to have those feelings. I’m a lot older than you, but better late than never, I say. I sincerely believed I was going insane when I started experiencing panic attacks. At the time, agoraphobia was almost unheard of. Internet was in it’s infancy. I felt the same way you do about sex. Embarrassed, and ashamed to feel anything in that department. I didn’t know that someone else may feel the exact same way as I did. I felt like a misfit in so many ways. I didn’t understand all the “hype” about sex. What’s so great about it? Reading your blog stirred up so many things inside myself. I felt like I was reading a story about myself. Thank you so much for sharing. It has helped me feel less alone. More normal. And, while here you are writing a blog for all to read. I cannot share (on the twitter or Facebook link) as I don’t want anyone to know what happened to me. Hmmm, I wonder why that is?

    • Hi! Apologies for a very late reply..You know how it goes when you’re depressed or anxious, simple tasks feel overwhelming and you keep pushing them away. Oh I know how you feel about sex…I don’t get the hype either. I really wish I did, though! I really wish I could experience what women on TV supposedly experience..

      I wonder why you don’t feel like you can’t share your story either. I mean, I could never tell all this stuff if my face or name was attached to it, and yes, some people know who I really am (have shared the blog link with trusted individuals) but in general I feel very liberated and free to say whatever because it won’t come back to hurt me, in terms of, let’s say, applying for jobs (imagine an HR manager Googled me and this blog popped up?? Could kiss that job goodbye for sure!)

      I’m happy for you for having come off medication. I really think they can harm you more than help! I was on Citalopram (Celexa) for years and years and only when I got off did I realize how numb I’d been, but then unfortunately as you saw from my blog, I went downhill and got really depressed and ended up on the psych ward so kind of had to accept that my depression is so severe that I need something…

      I guess it was a realization even for myself and I have now accepted it – I definitely need help, and I guess medication is something that hopefully will help me. I’d want to make sure I take the right one, and that the side effects are minimal, and that I also do other healing and not just rely on chemicals to balance me out.

      I’d like to know more about your story – if you do end up blogging or sharing your journey somewhere, please post a link! Take good care of yourself in any case, and thank you so much for the comments! XX

    • There’s a way to have the freedom to write what you please maybe for the first time, anonymity. Change all names, and don’t let anyone you know that you are blogging. The freedom is enormous, and for me, long over-due. I’m 61.

  2. Hi again, thank you for your reply. 🙂 You made me laugh when you said, “imagine an HR manager Googled me and this blog popped up?? Could kiss that job goodbye for sure!” Yes, I hear what you’re saying! I couldn’t share to Facebook or Twitter, because my name is attached. I didn’t think, I guess, that no one knows who you are. (Aside from close friends, that you mentioned, about your blog) Having said that, I suppose I could write about myself then. But, didn’t really think to. As who would be interested? I feel like I’m so “different” than most. But, now, not so much, after reading what you wrote. I too was in Celexa. I’ve been on so many. It seemed to “stop working.” Hence the change to yet another. I experienced severe hot flashes from the new one. Then extreme suicidal ideation, from the withdrawals! Enough to be hospitalized. And even then, upon discharge; I knew, I should really stay. But I wanted to be home. Nothing is more comfortable than being home!
    I believe all the hype about sex, especially on tv is extremely exaggerated. But, I will say, that being more kind to yourself, (As we are our own worst critics) play a major role in healing. You’d be more sympathetic if a friend came to you, upset and needing advice on one thing or another. Yet, I believe we don’t treat ourselves with the same compassion. I’m only beginning to allow myself to let go of issues with my sexual abuse as a child. (Easier said than done) And that, I find is liberating, all on its own. Only then, can we accept who we are, and truly let go. (Also, I do notice a big difference in my sex drive being off of antidepressants. I didn’t really have one before) I don’t know about you, but I blamed myself for the sexual abuse. “If only,” I hadn’t done this, or that. And what a crock that is!! My abuser is the idiot! Not me! I was a child!! I trusted him!!! My depression and anxiety did take an downward spiral, several months after being off of Cymbalta. But then it levelled out. And I can say it’s better now. Oh, I still have anxiety. And I’m aware that my depression can slide, but sometimes it’s hard to differentiate between what’s normal, and what isn’t. I think we’re brainwashed into believing that we aren’t supposed to feel all these emotions. I take vitamin D, and magnesium. It seems to help. What other healing do you do? I have been thinking of meditation, but I’m not sure if I can sit still that long. I was in counselling for years.
    I’m not sure if this would interest you, as we are all on our own journey and beliefs. I found a book, which I find really intriguing. It’s called, The Afterlife of Billy Fingers. It’s a true story about a woman who’s brother passed away. He speaks to her from “beyond,” literally. He tells her what it’s really like after life. The book has been life changing for some people. Here’s a link on youtube about the book and the woman who wrote it.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQzBh4mGeRo (I’m not trying to sell anything here, I just thought it is truly amazing) I haven’t finished reading it. But it’s very interesting to say the least. I’m not even sure why I mentioned it. But, I have to wonder why our paths crossed, if only for a moment in time, just because I did a google search on “a veil being lifted” 🙂 It’s been a pleasure to “chat” with you.

    • Wow, so many things I want to comment on! Firstly, you saying getting off Celexa made you suicidal to the point of hospitalization….ME TOO!!!! I am now really confused actually and actually wondering if the suicidal thoughts and my hospitalization are actually because of the medication, not because of my depression…?? (One wants to now sue Citalopram manufacturers, or something. This is not right!!!!)

      Also, funny that that’s how you found me. It is strange how you can very randomly cross paths with people on this planet. I am glad you did find me!! I have learned a lot from you just from the little interaction we have had, and it has made me thing a lot too!

      Hmmm, the book sounds interesting but spooky!

      I have also done a lot of therapy over the years – psychoanalysis, psychotherapy with a survivor therapist, CBT…you name it, I’ve done it. I’ve been in therapy most of my life, to be honest. Not sure it’s ever helped as such, but then again I don’t know where I’d be had I not gone to therapy! Probably on drugs and wallowing even more in my depression…So I guess in the end sharing has helped me process things.

      I am hoping to get therapy soon, have an appointment at a community mental health place next week with a therapist, but my guess is the number of visits is very limited. I’d like to work with someone long-term, but at the moment I don’t have the resources to pay someone so…beggars can’t be choosers!

      Are you based in the US? What has your experience been with the mental health services and doctors? Have you done a lot of therapy?

      I think it would be interesting if you started sharing anonymously online! Go for it! You already have one follower 🙂 (me) !!

  3. Hi!! Sorry for the delay. Summer can be busy! As far as the Celexa causing you to “crash” from going off of it, most definitely. The process should be a slow one, months and months of weaning. And even then, it’s very difficult. As our own neurotransmitters such as norepinephrine, serotonin and dopamine have to kick in, instead of a pill “making them”. I too felt very strongly about suing the manufacture. But here in Canada, lawyers are too afraid to take on the challenge. It seems that once you are suicidal, then there’s “something wrong with you” according to society. There’s no, “what, how or why” attached, only judgement. It’s very sad really. Psychiatrists, or at least mine, admit that they don’t know the long term affects of anti-depressants. How scary is that? I’ve been in counselling for many years. I was also hospitalized for 8 weeks, in an intensive program for my anxiety. (If it wasn’t for my current husband’s insurance, it would never have been covered) The hospital was also for people with PTSD, Addiction(s), Schizophrenics, etc. It was a lot of group therapy. I met a lot of down to earth people. I also learned that others have it a lot worse than I do. The stay didn’t help my anxiety much, because there wasn’t much one on one therapy. I needed cognitive exposure therapy for my anxiety. And there doesn’t seem to be much help out there either. Unless you have money, and even then, it’s not “that simple.” I came from a mentally abusive 7 year marriage. My ex-husband destroyed my self-esteem and morale. I’d rather be beaten any day than take the mental abuse. It slowly eats away at you, without you being aware how much damage it is doing. I believe it leaves scars far deeper than any bruises.

    I also suffer from chronic back pain. I get injections on a regular basis in my back. And am on pain medication(s) I have found that the medication helps, but as soon as it wears off, my pain is back. I was told I may have fibromyalgia. After scrutinizing my diet, I stopped drinking diet pop. I’ve heard so many bad things about the aspartame. One never knows what to believe though. “Everything” is bad for you. But, after a few months of stopping my diet pop addiction my pain has dropped significantly!!!! From a scale of one to ten, ten being my highest pain level, I’m at about a 2-3!!!!! Astonishing!! I believe I was “toxic” with my pop habit.

    The book I mentioned, The AfterLife Of Billy Fingers. It has changed my perspective on things in life. I have to say, I’m more relaxed. Things that bothered me before, seem… petty, if you will. I’m currently looking at getting help through books, and also counselling or cognitive therapy along with group therapy. I also have a service dog who helps me deal with my anxiety. (Who I trained myself) She, my dog has changed my life!!!

  4. First of all, I am very proud of you for taking such a leap of opening your heart and soul to the world so that others would not feel alone who have traveled the same journey as yourself. You are opening doors of communication on a very tough subject that most don’t want to hear about. Why? Because the less they know the more they don’t have to deal with it. In the meantime, many continue to suffer. But with voices such as yours, it opens eyes, gives a voice to the voiceless and in turn bring a slow but good healing in the process. i hope that one day, you can pen your thoughts, struggles and helps in book form so that it can continue to help others. I consider you a very brave woman who is taking control of her life for the better. I hope one day you and your husband can really communicate the deep pain you have been through. By doing so, he can learn how to be your biggest support. Don’t leave him out, but let him in. I guarantee it’ll be the best gift to you and to your marriage. All my best to you!

    • Thank you so much!! I am in awe of the love you show towards strangers like me, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the lovely message. I feel like crying, but the cry would be one of happiness and appreciation, not because I’m sad. I wish you all the best and thank you for your beautiful thoughts.

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