I have now cried at various doctor’s appointments, begged for help, told them I self-harm, and even once said I felt suicidal and like life wasn’t worth it, and all I have been given after two face-to-face and one phone appointment is a double dose of Citalopram, the antidepressant I am on!!!
I am so angry. I have really been unwell and it hasn’t ever been this clear to me that I have an illness and that I am not well, and that I need help.
Yet help is nowhere to be found.
I don’t expect doctors to fix me – there is no “fix” to how I feel. I just want to be … if not understood, then taken seriously! I have a friend who is a GP and who used to dismiss me as the chick with “lots of emotions and you just need to cheer up” to now calling me every day because she is worried about me.
I don’t what caused this latest slump. Work and being treated shitty there? My housemates who bully me? Going to court once again over the eviction case and being threatened by the landlord and their legal help? Knowing I will soon be if not just homeless then a homeless person with a huge legal bill to pay?
Being alone in the world and knowing no one understands how I feel?????
Any one of those things would throw anyone into a bit of a depressed state but it’s all just gotten too much to take. I can’t explain how I feel….Very sad. Hopeless. Like the world is grey. Like I have no energy to do anything. I have zero interest or motivation to do anything. Including cleaning my room which has become a pigsty and yes, I have old food lying on the floor and I don’t even care.
I want to care but I cannot get to cleaning. I stare at the mess and just close my eyes.
I have to come to work. And I try so hard yet stress about it and feel a constant tightening in my chest. What if I’m not good enough? Will they fire me? Yet at the same time I feel defiant and think well I beg for you to try fire me and I can lash out and tell you exactly how I feel! I FEEL SHIT. I HATE THIS SHIT.
Therapy will finish soon, as I keep saying. Major disagreements with therapist and yet I don’t want it to end.
I do feel a bit better than yesterday or the day before. I forced myself to jog to my nearest gym and went to a body pump class on Wednesday and a dance class yesterday, and I even went to the sauna on Wednesday and didn’t even care too much if people saw the scratches on my arm.
I lied, I do care. Which is why I will have to keep wearing a long-sleeve top until the red marks turn pale and you won’t see them to easily.
My doctor friend asked me why I’m not afraid of leaving scars. I said I consider them battle scars. I battle against invisible forces of depression.
I don’t know. I am….in a BIG mess in my head.
Little Girl In The Rain 
I hate hearing that you are asking so plainly for help and you are being put off by the professionals that are supposed to help you. It must feel like there’s no way out.
I’m with you in thought, at least.
Thank you so much…It is SO frustrating – I hate begging or actually saying how I really feel because I’m embarrassed and think well I haven’t attempted suicide so clearly I can’t be that bad, so I try to put it through to them subtly and hope someone picks up on it and says you know what, I’ll sign you off sick and change your medication and I’m here to listen. But no. Still have to go to work and attempt to keep up appearances no matter how I feel…..Thank you for understanding, I feel like through this blog I can actually say how I feel and to hear that someone gets me on some level makes me feel like I am not alone, after all! Much love and blessings, x
I know how alone it can feel though xx I am similar to you in that way. I *never* want to make a big deal of anything that is wrong with me and it takes me forever to actually give in and go get myself taken care of. I spent years going from work to doctor appointments only to be told, time and time again, that I just needed to ‘give it longer to work or I would be started on something new. I left my GP’s office in tears more than once, feeling like I was drowning and no one cared to help.
I know it feels impossible, but just keep going back, if you can. Keep pushing for help and see where it gets you. The best idea I ever had was to take a friend along who knew me well who would stop my minimization of how I was feeling.
Wish I could come with you. xx Be gentle with yourself today.
That is a good idea….It looks more serious if someone brings you…I can’t believe you also had similar issues!!! It is sickening especially since I often read in the papers how so many people are off sick permanently because of depression or blah blah and I wonder what the hell these people tell their doctors to get the time off??? If one sits there for half an hour crying does that not qualify for anything?! I wish you could go with me as well LOL imagine the doctor asked you who you were to me and you’d say we know each other from blogging!?! The world is a little bit smaller and more loving when you have the opportunity to connect with amazing people over the internet though and I am thankful for this connection! Much love xxx
Hey…if you ever want to, feel free to email me. I have my email open most of the time at work and don’t have too many people to connect with either, when things get stressful. 🙂 grainne214@yahoo.ca
mine is littlegirlinrain@yahoo.com and yes, will drop an email as mine is open at work and at home and on my phone ha ha too much technology, but it’s good to know a listening ear is a click away…!
I wish I could help… I know exactly how you feel I’ve been there, the whole room thing, and not able to do anything. I dropped out of uni because of it. But I very lucky to have my family, they are my rock to reality and one friend who would ring me every day, my only friend at that time.
I dont know if this will help, but theres no harm in having a look;
http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/what-are-mental-health-problems/help-support-services
Also anyone with metal health problems can apply for Disability Living Allowance (DLA). All you need for proof is a doctors letter, and you fill it in as if its your worst day. You could ask your doctor friend to help maybe?
I hope you have more good days than bad.
Hey!
Thank you for the advice and support! I am not sure I’d qualify as all the doctors always seem to think I “function” and I do – there are days when I just want to work on my side business which I started, I get excited about things, I want a great career….And then I get down again because of the current job which is so shit and pointless and I lack motivation to move elsewhere or even look for jobs so I’m stuck in a rut and it’s either gonna come to a point where I will stop caring at all and stop showing up, or alternatively something gets me up from the bottom of the pit and I start applying for jobs and once I’m in a more suitable career I will have more self-esteem and better feeling about myself…It could go either way…But will check the link for inspiration and see if I qualify! Much love hun! xx
Hopefully the time to change people can give some advice on it. I do know that you dont have to be out of work to get it. You’ll get there x
It’s so disappointing that professionals treat you this way. When you’re clearly asking for help.. Ugh, it frustrates me. Totally understand this post. Thanks for sharing, I hope you find some more helpful help.. X
It’s hard to find experienced people about this topic, but you seem like you know what you’re talking about!
Thanks