Depression Continues – Alcohol helps

I don’t know what else to say? Everything feels pointless, I’m numb, nothing interests me and I feel like nothing matters. I ate through the weekend – started on Saturday morning and been bingeing ever since.I have now gained 6 kg in a few months and realize that my food obsession is getting worse. I will balloon if I don’t stop.

And this all gives me SO much anxiety!!!!!! I can’t stop crying. I went to see a doctor at my local GP surgery and she was new and I spent almost half an hour there crying and then nothing happened. She didn’t give me sick leave, she didn’t change my medication, she didn’t offer anything else than to send me to CBT. I said no thanks and left.

Went to my regular therapy and cried through the session. I feel so fucking lonely it is unbelievable. I feel like I try to reach out for help but no one hears my cries. A guy I talk to at work about things a lot just is kind of harsh and says it’s up to me to manage to live a better life with my depression.

I feel mistreated at work, and it adds to my low mood. I have been promised things and never had a raise, promotion, opportunity or any kind of change for two years now. I am at the bottom of the pile with my two degrees and all these skills that I have, yet I keep on getting shitted on.

Last nail in the coffin came from manager yesterday when she said we have new job descriptions and whoever  overperforms out of the whole team “might” get a promotion….Such bullshit! I have been doing this shit diligently without raises, promotions, praise, nothing, for years, and I have zero motivation to suddenly “overperform” when they dangle a carrot yet again in front of my eyes…

I talked to my doctor friend and she said I’m like a textbook version of a person with Borderline. My moods go up and down and seemingly nothing can throw me off the edge. I have no way of regulating my intense emotions and it does bother me enormously…Anyway, back to work.

xxx

 

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2 thoughts on “Depression Continues – Alcohol helps

  1. I’m sorry things are so crap for you at the moment! 😦 I hope there’s sunshine for you really soon!! Keep holding on x

    • Thank you!! I really am treading in the mental mud right about now but…If I know anything about myself the clouds will go away and something will make me happier again. Thank you for reaching out, it means so much to me!! xx

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