I have now cried at various doctor’s appointments, begged for help, told them I self-harm, and even once said I felt suicidal and like life wasn’t worth it, and all I have been given after two face-to-face and one phone appointment is a double dose of Citalopram, the antidepressant I am on!!!
I am so angry. I have really been unwell and it hasn’t ever been this clear to me that I have an illness and that I am not well, and that I need help.
Yet help is nowhere to be found.
I don’t expect doctors to fix me – there is no “fix” to how I feel. I just want to be … if not understood, then taken seriously! I have a friend who is a GP and who used to dismiss me as the chick with “lots of emotions and you just need to cheer up” to now calling me every day because she is worried about me.
I don’t what caused this latest slump. Work and being treated shitty there? My housemates who bully me? Going to court once again over the eviction case and being threatened by the landlord and their legal help? Knowing I will soon be if not just homeless then a homeless person with a huge legal bill to pay?
Being alone in the world and knowing no one understands how I feel?????
Any one of those things would throw anyone into a bit of a depressed state but it’s all just gotten too much to take. I can’t explain how I feel….Very sad. Hopeless. Like the world is grey. Like I have no energy to do anything. I have zero interest or motivation to do anything. Including cleaning my room which has become a pigsty and yes, I have old food lying on the floor and I don’t even care.
I want to care but I cannot get to cleaning. I stare at the mess and just close my eyes.
I have to come to work. And I try so hard yet stress about it and feel a constant tightening in my chest. What if I’m not good enough? Will they fire me? Yet at the same time I feel defiant and think well I beg for you to try fire me and I can lash out and tell you exactly how I feel! I FEEL SHIT. I HATE THIS SHIT.
Therapy will finish soon, as I keep saying. Major disagreements with therapist and yet I don’t want it to end.
I do feel a bit better than yesterday or the day before. I forced myself to jog to my nearest gym and went to a body pump class on Wednesday and a dance class yesterday, and I even went to the sauna on Wednesday and didn’t even care too much if people saw the scratches on my arm.
I lied, I do care. Which is why I will have to keep wearing a long-sleeve top until the red marks turn pale and you won’t see them to easily.
My doctor friend asked me why I’m not afraid of leaving scars. I said I consider them battle scars. I battle against invisible forces of depression.
I don’t know. I am….in a BIG mess in my head.