I am tired of feeling shit. I am tired of living in anxiety, fear, depression, sadness, a mess in my head.
I want to be happy. I want to live my life to the full! I only have one chance at this and I’m pushing 30 and I don’t want to be miserable on a daily basis.
But it’s hard…I am so programmed to being miserable and depressed that it is hard to think of anything else. I live for complaining! I think I always expect someone else to come save me but really, it is only me who can save me. There is no knight in shining armor, no guardian angel, no…fairy godmother guiding me along and opening doors for me.
It is up to me how I feel. It is up to me whether I bitch and complain, or decide to do something about things. It sounds harsh, and I hate it when people say it to me, but..it is true!
So I doubled my antidepressants, tried to rest, talked to people, and started action. I have now applied for a few jobs, I have almost cleaned my room, and I am writing this post. I am trying to ward off the depression and think this is what life handed me and it is up to me how I take it.
It is easy to live as a victim. I love to wallow in self-pity. It is what comes to me easiest. I am comfortable in depression. It is familiar to me. Feeling like a victim is familiar to me.
I’d like to change! I just am afraid….Afraid because I don’t feel like I deserve anything better. I don’t feel like I deserve happiness, a better job, good things in life.
Yet at the same time I do! I feel like I should have it all and when that doesn’t happen I get frustrated, bitter, jealous and angry. I hate others when they get something I wanted because I feel like it should be mine even if I didn’t work for it!
Sooooo confusing?!?!?! I have no idea how to deal with these extremes!! HELP!
Have a beautiful day xx