I want to feel better…

I am tired of feeling shit. I am tired of living in anxiety, fear, depression, sadness, a mess in my head.

I want to be happy. I want to live my life to the full! I only have one chance at this and I’m pushing 30 and I don’t want to be miserable on a daily basis.

But it’s hard…I am so programmed to being miserable and depressed that it is hard to think of anything else. I live for complaining! I think  I always expect someone else to come save me but really, it is only me who can save me. There is no knight in shining armor, no guardian angel, no…fairy godmother guiding me along and opening doors for me.

It is up to me how I feel. It is up to me whether I bitch and complain, or decide to do something about things. It sounds harsh, and I hate it when people say it to me, but..it is true!

So I doubled my antidepressants, tried to rest, talked to people, and started action. I have now applied for a few jobs, I have almost cleaned my room, and I am writing this post. I am trying to ward off the depression and think this is what life handed me and it is up to me how I take it.

It is easy to live as a victim. I love to wallow in self-pity. It is what comes to me easiest. I am comfortable in depression. It is familiar to me. Feeling like a victim is familiar to me.

I’d like to change! I just am afraid….Afraid because I don’t feel like I deserve anything better. I don’t feel like I deserve happiness, a better job, good things in life.

Yet at the same time I do! I feel like I should have it all and when that doesn’t happen I get frustrated, bitter, jealous and angry. I hate others when they get something I wanted because I feel like it should be mine even if I didn’t work for it!

Sooooo confusing?!?!?! I have no idea how to deal with these extremes!! HELP!

Have a beautiful day xx

 

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19 thoughts on “I want to feel better…

  1. I can relate to the feeling of trying to step outside of your comfort zone and try to live a different way. It’s hard to change old habits but changing your thought patterns will definitely help. I also get stuck in the down feelings….anything you can do to pull yourself out will help some. Just remember not to be too hard on yourself if you have a bad day.

    I completely agree with your statement that no one can save you other than yourself. It’s a crappy realization to have, but an important one. xx

    • Thank you for the comment and it feels good to know you agree as I generally don’t like to think life is up to me when in reality it really is….It is a harsh realization for sure but as you said, an important one! Hmmm I do tend to be hard on myself so it’s good to be reminded to be mindful of that. Have a good day and I wish warm emotions and smiles into your day!

      • I guess I finally for tired of being stepped on like a doormat. The thing that has helped me change my thoughts has been the Word of God. I have to read it and hear it a lot. It is the only thing that has replaced the bad tapes in my head. I used to read a chapter or two and then write down the verses I liked on a 3×5 card. I was waitressing at the time and I kept them in my apron, so I could read them all day long. I still have those cards!

        You will be happy again, you will make it, it will be worth it.
        (((Hugs)))

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  5. I have read through your posts and I recognize your experience in mine.

    I do not want in any way to indulge in vapid speculation.

    Let´s just say that the very basis of depression is cleavage. A rupture in our soul. An inner constant conflict which perpetuates itself through more conflict.

    You are depressed, anxious, sad – it is a fact. On the other hand, YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY. You want, of course, to live “your” life to the full. You don´t want to be miserable on a daily basis.

    And yet that´s what you are JUST NOW. Sad. Fearful.

    Please, try to follow!

    You see, if you try to be happy, that is, to be something that YOU ARE NOT JUST NOW, you do nothing but enhancing and creating even more you inward conflict. Don´t you have enough conflict as it is…?

    Can you see that wanting “to become” something you for the time being are not, you punish yourself…?
    Again, how can we ever become something that we are not just now?
    This is pure fiction, and yet, this is the societal fiction we have been conditioned by.

    So stop punishing yourself, stop creating even more pain for yourself! ACCEPT YOUR PRESENT PREDICAMENT. DON´T TRY TO CHANGE! CHANGE COMES NATURALLY once you have learned to stay with What Is in affectionate presence. You need to caress your wounds instead of flagellating yourself. You need your own compassion and loving interest!

    I have many more things to say but for the time being, but I will stop here.

    If you see any truth in my words and want a further dialogue, let me know!

    • Hmm interesting way of thinking about things….! I do agree that one can get more depressed if they keep thinking they SHOULD be happy, or that they SHOULD be somewhere else in life and because you can’t, you just get more down about the “shoulds” in life…Totally agree with that…Just hard to accept my predicament and live in the moment as who I am and where I am in life and emotionally…But wise words, thank you for taking the time out to reach out to me!

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