I’m back!

Oh gosh, I mean to post every day and just can’t.

Depression, exhaustion, baby, laziness, sheer overwhelming feelings. Everything seems too much and I can’t even type down my thoughts. I wish I had the energy to blog every day because I think it would help me, but I can’t.

Hmm what’s happened. Baby M will be 9 months old tomorrow. Time flies! I am still not working. Did I mention my job let me go? Trying to get unemployment but it’s taking long, they’re fighting it and next step is a phone mediation meeting between me and them and the Department of Economic Opportunity. It’s all fucked up. Unemployment in Florida is nothing anyway, no one could actually live on it. It’s fucked up they give employers so much power. It shouldn’t be up to them to decide if I get money for a few months or not! Fucking fuckers.

Looking for jobs.

Depressed.

Watching a lot of documentaries and series on Netflix.

Worried about baby and his development. I’m not good enough mom.

Gaining a lot of weight.

Over a year since hubs and I had sex. We have no intimacy. Lots of issues but they’ve been brushed under the carpet. We’re parents now. Baby comes first.

In therapy. Last therapist quit and I’m seeing someone new. I like her.

We took a trip to Finland to see my family and it went really well! I am coming to a lot of realizations about my home and my people and I realized I wish my mother was here to help out with baby. I like how she was with him. Very laid back and natural. I like Scandinavian values and child rearing.

Okay that’s all I can write for now. Exhausted.

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Post-Partum Mental Health Issues

These are not really talked about that much. You only see it in the news if a woman has killed her kids and the article will vaguely mention “postpartum depression” as the reason. It is difficult for our society to talk about a mother being mentally ill because she had children.

I have found a wonderful resource here in Miami, a postpartum support group run by a clinical psychologist, where it’s easier to talk about the struggles we go through as moms. I think moms are meant to be this cookie-cutter happy image that we see on TV, but the reality can be so much different. It often is for a lot of women!

I was able to admit I didn’t like my child in the beginning. I sometimes hate having the responsibility of caring for a child. I’m not ME anymore. I’m a mom.

I’m tired.

Exhausted.

The baby still only sleeps in two-hour stretches and I’ve started co-sleeping. I’d go crazy otherwise! I worry he’ll fall off the bed though.

I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety and I am back on Effexor (Venlafaxine) and at every visit my psychiatrist wants to raise the dosage. I fight back. I worry what it’ll do to the baby as I’m exclusively breastfeeding. He says very minute amounts go into the milk but I still worry.

My anxiety has hit the roof as I’ve told before. I had an episode of no sleep for almost four days when the baby came home from NICU. I struggle with insomnia on a daily basis. Going to sleep is scary! I am legitimately scared of falling asleep.

I’d recommend getting in touch with Postpartum International if you need support, seems like they’re a good resource for postpartum mood disorders.

M

My Baby Turned 4 Months!

What a ride it’s been??!! It is somewhat unbelievable and weird to realize little M is 4 months old! (Yes, my husband, I and our son all have M names…!)

I keep saying that I intend to write more but I never quite manage.

Post partum depression, post partum anxiety, sleep deprivation…Lack of ability to concentrate. Who knows.

But here I am today. I have just gotten back from a post-partum support group at a local birthing/parenting center that my Ob actually told me about way back when, but I only managed to go a few months ago when M was already 2 months old and I finally managed to get out of the house on my own. I still don’t drive and taking the bus in Miami has been challenging and anxiety-inducing the say the least.

I try to go every week. It feels good to be around other moms who are kind of like me, they’re educated, a bit older, they’ve travelled and seen the country and the world, and they were “someone else” before the baby. I feel like that. Like, I am someone still actually, someone other than a “mom.”

Lots of triggers.

Wanting to never see in-laws again. That’s a whole another thing.

Planning a trip to Finland for August.

Occasional obsessions about running away with the baby and never coming back.

Finally managed to start exclusively breastfeeding when M was 6 weeks old – I think after the traumatic birth that was something that I really really really wanted to do, but it also drove me insane.

Pumping. I HATE pumping. But it kept my supply up until M latched so there’s that. I intend to breastfeed him until he is 18 years old! Haha.

Don’t think I still love him fully. Maybe it’ll come. I go through the motions of mothering but there’s not a strong bond there yet.

Lots of thoughts about wanting to be a good parent but my crazy mind gets filled with irrational, scary, disturbing and horrible thoughts too. I try work through them.

I try to feel joy in seeing my son smile. I also love it when he sleeps. Like right now!

Lots and lots of thoughts. Too much to write down now.

M

Becoming a Survivor Mom

Gosh I keep meaning to blog but I somehow can’t manage.

Could be that I get about 4 or 5 hours of sleep a night and I’m generally just exhausted.

Could be that my anxiety keeps my heart pounding and me pacing and it’s hard to settle down and write.

Could be that my little chicken nugget who’s now 11 weeks old keeps me on my toes – he sometimes doesn’t want to be put down so I generally carry/hold him for the majority of the day.

But here I am, on this fine April evening, determined to jot down some thoughts. The Baby is sleeping, M is still at work, and I’ve been watching The Walking Dead for hours on Netflix. Oops.

Where to start…I think my last posts were really about how the birth went. Tragic and traumatic. I was out of it, the baby was sick, I developed terrible anxiety and thought I was going insane.

The last 11 weeks have been the craziest time of my life I think.

The baby was in NICU for about a week after delivery with serious complications but he came home and has been pretty okay health wise.

I had an emergency c-section as you all know, and was really out of it for some time. I still have my thoughts about how traumatic the whole thing was…Many say I should due the hospital for all the things they did including no one notifying me in any kind of way about how my baby was or where he was, or that I didn’t give consent to the surgery, but I really can’t be bothered.

I developed so severe anxiety after the Baby came home that I didn’t sleep for three nights and thought I was going crazy. I was medicated and had severe issues with sleep for weeks afterwards, but now Effexor has kicked in and I guess it’s helping with the sleep.

My therapist quit. Yeah. Sucks right?

Psychiatrist is pushing meds. I really didn’t want to go back to work after three months, and upon emailing him to really kind of get him to say I shouldn’t work, all he did was suggest more medication to combat the anxiety I’d get if I left my 11-week-old baby with a stranger. Ugh. I don’t like him anymore.

I don’t think it’s natural for a mother to go to work when the baby is sooooo tiny.

The fucking system sucks so bad.

I could go on about how it would be a public health benefit and beneficial to the children and the mothers and the families and to the whole system for moms to stay at work and raise healthy babies but I won’t. Smart people know it already, but unfortunately the assholes in office don’t care.

I’m also gaining a lot of weight. Fucking Effexor. I had lost almost all the baby weight by the time the Baby was two weeks old, but I’ve now gained 15 pounds in 9 weeks! I just eat. A LOT. Around Easter I made daily CVS runs to buy Lindt chocolate bunnies and I have to admit I ate 7 of them in a week, along with chocolate covered berries, chocolate truffles, chocolate…everything. I’m such a pig.

My marriage…well. We haven’t now had sex for over 8 months. No big deal. I don’t think we’re really attracted to each other right now. We started the couples therapy but now I think we can’t go because of the baby.

What else…That’s about it. Lovely to be back here.

M

At the OB

I can’t believe three weeks have gone by since I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Insane.

I miss being pregnant.

I cry because I’m so sad that I don’t have the cute belly anymore and I’m just like anyone else. It felt safe and sacred to be different.

I’m sad that I’m not in the hospital. I didn’t enjoy the pain, but I liked being taken care of by my husband who held my hand at every step of the way. He put me to bed, helped me get up, he put clothes on me and dried me after showers. 

Now I’m back to health and I’m at my check up at the OB and the wound has healed.

I haven’t. I feel sad, alone, tired and anxious. I’m not taking to motherhood very well…I want to be a good mom and bond and love my son but I’m so scared of failure.

NICU, anxiety, pain, severe insomnia

Oh man I don’t even remember what I last wrote about! Should have probably checked. 

Long story cut short, I went into labor on Monday evening the 1st of February, and after the water broke on Tuesday morning I rushed to the hospital because it was thick and brown and I knew something was wrong. 

Lots of nurses, tests, doctors, paperwork, oxygen masks, monitors, internal examinations and shit like that later they told me I’m far from being able to push and the baby is distressed and they wanted to take him out with a C-section.

I said no.

I really wanted to have my natural birthing experience, the sweaty but smiley mom you see on tv who they hand the naked crying baby to who immediately latches on and everyone is crying from happiness. 

Well they let me try for two more hours and monitored the contractions and how the dilation was improving. Until they lost the baby’s heartbeat. No one asked any questions, I was wheeled very fast to the OR and within minutes the baby was out. I think they started cutting before the curtain was even up!

I got a glimpse of him from the side before he was rushed to NICU and I was sewn up and sent to recovery. M’s mom and dad came by and I hated him for telling them, I didn’t wanna see anyone. Furthermore, I didn’t want anyone to see the baby because I hadn’t even seen my own goddamn baby! I was really upset.

He told everyone and texts stated coming in. I was hooked to a catheter and on morphine and out of it, shaking life a leaf in a fall storm, and I just kept crying. It was really traumatic and horrible. 
  

Baby in NICU.

He was diagnosed with Meconium Aspiration Syndrome where he’d inhaled the water where he’d pooped. I was told that babies who poop in the uterus are usually distressed, possibly from contractions or something so basically they can’t handle the birthing process. I wonder what I did wrong. 

M wheeled me up to see the baby the next night and I cried the whole time. I felt bad that he was beingg cared for by ladies with rubber gloves on and no one was cuddling him. 

I tried to feed him but after all the tubing in the mouth he wouldn’t latch. Lactation consultant told me to pump. Nothing came out. My boobs went rock solid full of milk and the nipples disappeared and baby definitely couldn’t latch. He was keen to try and I felt like a failure. I came home on Friday and he stayed in the hospital. 

He was discharged on Monday and that’s when all hell broke loose. I was anxious about pumping every three hours like I’d been told, and once is pumped I’d think ok now I have two hours to sleep I have to sleep and of course I wouldn’t sleep. 

Almost four days later I finally slept. I really thought I was gonna go crazy. I had panic attacks and vomited and couldn’t eat and had headaches and oh my gosh it was the most horrible experience of my life! 

On Wednesday I remember that a psychiatrist had come by to do a post partum depression questionnaire and I called her. She was at a conference in Atlanta but got back to me and heard me out and we texted and talked and she called in a prescription for Effexor and then Klonopin to help me sleep. 

I am eternally grateful for this woman. She’s my hero. I always complain about the US healthcare system but this woman proved that sometimes it can be so awesome! In England I would have never gotten a doctor’s cell number and been able to text at 9 pm!!! This doctor saved me 100%. I needed an intervention.

So things are much better. MUCH. I am trying to relax and not worry so much because that causes me to go crazy and i can’t have that. My son needs me, my husband needs me. I need me!!

M

I think I’m in Labor

What started as weird feelings in my tummy have turned into the worst period cramps ever.

Is this labor? I don’t even know what contractions are supposed to feel like!

M is asleep, he got a bit worried when I said I might be in labor so I assured him it’s nothing and he passed out. Well it is past 2am!

The pain is intense. And I know it will just get worse! I am actually really scared. I don’t like pain unless it’s self-inflicted and even then I don’t like too much of it.

No baby name yet, scared of how my life will change, wishing I could turn back the hands of time and not be so obsessed as I was but rationally think do I even want this.

Scared that I don’t really want this.

Oh it’s starting again, I think the little man is ready to come out! Yikes!!!!!

M