My Baby Turned 4 Months!

What a ride it’s been??!! It is somewhat unbelievable and weird to realize little M is 4 months old! (Yes, my husband, I and our son all have M names…!)

I keep saying that I intend to write more but I never quite manage.

Post partum depression, post partum anxiety, sleep deprivation…Lack of ability to concentrate. Who knows.

But here I am today. I have just gotten back from a post-partum support group at a local birthing/parenting center that my Ob actually told me about way back when, but I only managed to go a few months ago when M was already 2 months old and I finally managed to get out of the house on my own. I still don’t drive and taking the bus in Miami has been challenging and anxiety-inducing the say the least.

I try to go every week. It feels good to be around other moms who are kind of like me, they’re educated, a bit older, they’ve travelled and seen the country and the world, and they were “someone else” before the baby. I feel like that. Like, I am someone still actually, someone other than a “mom.”

Still haven’t been fired. I now work from home a little bit and it’s very anxiety-inducing in itself because of deadlines. Moms really should be able to just be moms for at least a little bit. You can’t be a productive worker and a productive mom at the same time, I really on’t think so. Especially if you have emotional or psychological issues!!

Lots of triggers.

Wanting to never see in-laws again. That’s a whole another thing.

Planning a trip to Finland for August.

Occasional obsessions about running away with the baby and never coming back.

Finally managed to start exclusively breastfeeding when M was 6 weeks old – I think after the traumatic birth that was something that I really really really wanted to do, but it also drove me insane.

Pumping. I HATE pumping. But it kept my supply up until M latched so there’s that. I intend to breastfeed him until he is 18 years old! Haha.

Don’t think I still love him fully. Maybe it’ll come. I go through the motions of mothering but there’s not a strong bond there yet.

Lots of thoughts about wanting to be a good parent but my crazy mind gets filled with irrational, scary, disturbing and horrible thoughts too. I try work through them.

I try to feel joy in seeing my son smile. I also love it when he sleeps. Like right now!

Lots and lots of thoughts. Too much to write down now.

M

 

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