Becoming a Survivor Mom

Gosh I keep meaning to blog but I somehow can’t manage.

Could be that I get about 4 or 5 hours of sleep a night and I’m generally just exhausted.

Could be that my anxiety keeps my heart pounding and me pacing and it’s hard to settle down and write.

Could be that my little chicken nugget who’s now 11 weeks old keeps me on my toes – he sometimes doesn’t want to be put down so I generally carry/hold him for the majority of the day.

But here I am, on this fine April evening, determined to jot down some thoughts. The Baby is sleeping, M is still at work, and although I’m meant to be working, I’ve been watching The Walking Dead for hours on Netflix. Oops.

Where to start…I think my last posts were really about how the birth went. Tragic and traumatic. I was out of it, the baby was sick, I developed terrible anxiety and thought I was going insane.

The last 11 weeks have been the craziest time of my life I think.

The baby was in NICU for about a week after delivery with serious complications but he came home and has been pretty okay health wise.

I had an emergency c-section as you all know, and was really out of it for some time. I still have my thoughts about how traumatic the whole thing was…Many say I should due the hospital for all the things they did including no one notifying me in any kind of way about how my baby was or where he was, or that I didn’t give consent to the surgery, but I really can’t be bothered.

I developed so severe anxiety after the Baby came home that I didn’t sleep for three nights and thought I was going crazy. I was medicated and had severe issues with sleep for weeks afterwards, but now Effexor has kicked in and I guess it’s helping with the sleep.

My therapist quit. Yeah. Sucks right?

Psychiatrist is pushing meds. I really didn’t want to go back to work after three months, and upon emailing him to really kind of get him to say I shouldn’t work, all he did was suggest more medication to combat the anxiety I’d get if I left my 11-week-old baby with a stranger. Ugh. I don’t like him anymore.

I don’t think it’s natural for a mother to go to work when the baby is sooooo tiny.

The fucking system sucks so bad.

I could go on about how it would be a public health benefit and beneficial to the children and the mothers and the families and to the whole system for moms to stay at work and raise healthy babies but I won’t. Smart people know it already, but unfortunately the assholes in office don’t care.

I emailed my boss and said I had post-partum depression and anxiety and couldn’t come in. They moved me from my former marketing role to a part time admin job that I could do from home, so I’m a contractor now with no benefits of course, and will be making a great $600 a month, but at least it’s something. And I can stay home. They expect me back next month but I guess I’ll have to quit.

I really didn’t want to quit. I wanted them to fire me. Seems like that won’t happen. Any advice, anyone?

I’m also gaining a lot of weight. Fucking Effexor. I had lost almost all the baby weight by the time the Baby was two weeks old, but I’ve now gained 15 pounds in 9 weeks! I just eat. A LOT. Around Easter I made daily CVS runs to buy Lindt chocolate bunnies and I have to admit I ate 7 of them in a week, along with chocolate covered berries, chocolate truffles, chocolate…everything. I’m such a pig.

My marriage…well. We haven’t now had sex for over 8 months. No big deal. I don’t think we’re really attracted to each other right now. We started the couples therapy but now I think we can’t go because of the baby.

What else…That’s about it. Lovely to be back here.

M

 

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