NICU, anxiety, pain, severe insomnia

Oh man I don’t even remember what I last wrote about! Should have probably checked. 

Long story cut short, I went into labor on Monday evening the 1st of February, and after the water broke on Tuesday morning I rushed to the hospital because it was thick and brown and I knew something was wrong. 

Lots of nurses, tests, doctors, paperwork, oxygen masks, monitors, internal examinations and shit like that later they told me I’m far from being able to push and the baby is distressed and they wanted to take him out with a C-section.

I said no.

I really wanted to have my natural birthing experience, the sweaty but smiley mom you see on tv who they hand the naked crying baby to who immediately latches on and everyone is crying from happiness. 

Well they let me try for two more hours and monitored the contractions and how the dilation was improving. Until they lost the baby’s heartbeat. No one asked any questions, I was wheeled very fast to the OR and within minutes the baby was out. I think they started cutting before the curtain was even up!

I got a glimpse of him from the side before he was rushed to NICU and I was sewn up and sent to recovery. M’s mom and dad came by and I hated him for telling them, I didn’t wanna see anyone. Furthermore, I didn’t want anyone to see the baby because I hadn’t even seen my own goddamn baby! I was really upset.

He told everyone and texts stated coming in. I was hooked to a catheter and on morphine and out of it, shaking life a leaf in a fall storm, and I just kept crying. It was really traumatic and horrible. 
  

Baby in NICU.

He was diagnosed with Meconium Aspiration Syndrome where he’d inhaled the water where he’d pooped. I was told that babies who poop in the uterus are usually distressed, possibly from contractions or something so basically they can’t handle the birthing process. I wonder what I did wrong. 

M wheeled me up to see the baby the next night and I cried the whole time. I felt bad that he was beingg cared for by ladies with rubber gloves on and no one was cuddling him. 

I tried to feed him but after all the tubing in the mouth he wouldn’t latch. Lactation consultant told me to pump. Nothing came out. My boobs went rock solid full of milk and the nipples disappeared and baby definitely couldn’t latch. He was keen to try and I felt like a failure. I came home on Friday and he stayed in the hospital. 

He was discharged on Monday and that’s when all hell broke loose. I was anxious about pumping every three hours like I’d been told, and once is pumped I’d think ok now I have two hours to sleep I have to sleep and of course I wouldn’t sleep. 

Almost four days later I finally slept. I really thought I was gonna go crazy. I had panic attacks and vomited and couldn’t eat and had headaches and oh my gosh it was the most horrible experience of my life! 

On Wednesday I remember that a psychiatrist had come by to do a post partum depression questionnaire and I called her. She was at a conference in Atlanta but got back to me and heard me out and we texted and talked and she called in a prescription for Effexor and then Klonopin to help me sleep. 

I am eternally grateful for this woman. She’s my hero. I always complain about the US healthcare system but this woman proved that sometimes it can be so awesome! In England I would have never gotten a doctor’s cell number and been able to text at 9 pm!!! This doctor saved me 100%. I needed an intervention.

So things are much better. MUCH. I am trying to relax and not worry so much because that causes me to go crazy and i can’t have that. My son needs me, my husband needs me. I need me!!

M

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