So..I am all alone lying in the recovery area of my local hospital, shaking from the hormones and leftover anesthesia and probably from the pure shock of it all.
I started getting weird feelings in my tummy on Monday night. Like everything wasn’t quite ok. I realized they were contractions at some point during the night, and i took a hot bath, rolled on an exercise ball and walked and ate a ton. The contractions got worse and then at 6.45 am I was eating a sandwich in the kitchen when I felt the water break and out came this brown liquid all over the place.
I rushed to wake M up and we got ready and rushed to the hospital. Lots of prodding later they said the baby was in distress, had pooped, and this meconium infused amniotic fluid would be dangerous for the baby.
I have watched a ton of documentaries and read articles about unnecessary medical interventions in the birthing process and really really didn’t want a c-section. I saw different doctors, one would say to start with pitocin to get the contractions going, the next would say the baby is so stressed out it won’t be able to handle contractions.
I sat there stuck on the bed for a few hours as my contractions got stronger. Then at one point a nurse comes rushing in and calls for help and doctors come in and everyone looks serious and the next thing I remember was that they were wheeling me to the OR because they’d lost the baby’s heartbeat!
They wanted to put me under general anesthesia but I panicked and kept saying no. I said I was a very anxious person and I couldn’t handle it. So they agreed to rush an epidural in and the next thing I know they were cutting me open and out the baby came.
I never got to hold him. I barely saw him. No skin to skin. No breastfeeding. He was whisked off to NICU and I still haven’t seen him.
I really wonder if it actually was that serious. I’m angry about all the medical interventions. I feel upset that I haven’t been consulted about my or his care. Decisions are being made and I am like a rag doll who’s tossed around.
I tried to say I wanted to exclusively breastfeed but pumping hasn’t worked and they’re doing formula. I still haven’t seen him. It’s five am the day after (it took me a while to continue and finish the post) and I have not slept. Since like Monday morning.
Upset. Feeling like a failure. Being robbed of an empowering birthing experience. Traumatized. Alive but no baby to hold. Was this a dream?
Then the wound pain kicks in and I feel like someone stabbed me. Oh this is real! I just have no baby to show for it.