And of course the baby is nowhere to be seen! And I feel really guilty for not being productive and being at work. Yeah, I worked until 39 and some weeks and gave up and now my due date has come and gone and nothing’s happened and I might as well have been working.
Monday was tough. I had serious cabin fever and I paced up and down and thought about all this stuff I should be doing like laundry and groceries and cleaning and cooking and .. But of course my anxiety mostly prevented me from actually doing anything and so I just sat in bed an anxious and stressed out mess.
It’s gotten a bit easier because I’ve met with a couple of students and I’m working on some teaching stuff to have a bit of an income and that makes me feel a bit better. Money has always been a big issue and I’ve never had enough and I’ve always tied my self-worth to a job title and how much I wasn’t making, and now it’s even worse when I have no income.
My anxiety really has hit some new levels I’ve never seen before and I can’t sleep, get anything done, I’m constantly really angry and pissy and I feel like something is crawling under my skin and I can’t even scratch that itch.