I guess I really am gonna have a baby?

  

I actually don’t know how I feel about it. It’s a bit weird.

First, I’ve never ever liked kids. I hated women who were like oh my God this is what my life is about, I just wanna be a mom. I’ve always been fiercely independent and I also have had this environmental side to me where for years I felt children meant more destruction and garbage and we could quite honestly do without new humans on this planet as far as conservation is concerned. 

I also hate and despise neediness and weakness and naïveté. Helplessness. Stupidity. Children are all of that!

But then after I had the abortion in March 2014 I kinda went a bit crazy and started obsessing about kids. I don’t know why?!? I have tried to examine my reasons but I don’t really know.

Am I ready now? I don’t know. Is anyone? 

I’m not super attached and half the time I feel awkward and want to hide the belly. I don’t understand how this is the end goal for women. 

I’m also more and more fiercely pro-choice and even pro-abortion; no one should have a child unless they absolutely desire to have one and know they can deal with having a baby!! 

The bigger I get the more I feel sadness for women who battle addiction, severe mental illnesses, abuse, domestic violence, poverty, unemployment, illness, you name it, and accidentally get pregnant. These women should not be forced to have a child because guess what? They’re probably not gonna feel any better and the child will have to deal with the parents’ issues and the cycle will continue and no one is any better off at the end of it.

Asking for help is another matter. Only through this pregnancy have I learned to ask for help. It’s weird and it doesn’t make me feel independent but I know I need it and it’s better to ask for help than to struggle and pass on my issues to the baby. 

I know I and we can do this and I am excited to see how something I’ve created looks like, and mostly I’m excited to get a chance to raise a human being and pass on my values and education and experiences to him. 

I guess it’ll be kind of cool to become a mom (?).

Stay tuned. 

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One thought on “I guess I really am gonna have a baby?

  1. It’s very cool to become a mom! 🙂 You are doing the right thing for you and your baby. He is lucky to have a mom who is trying to better herself – so many women do not and the cycle continues.

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