I don’t even know where to start. So much on my mind. I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down and I’ve gained wisdom that I didn’t have before.
I have been really upset lately. Started self harming again and been really upset and not sleeping and crying a lot and having these thoughts of killing myself after I have the baby because I have nothing to live for.
Hopelessness. Anxiety. Irritation. Anger. Like an itch inside my skin that I can’t scratch away.
I think that ultimately I have felt like this on and off for the past two years (and maybe some ways throughout my life) is because I am not getting my inner needs met – whether it’s my husband, previous boyfriend, bosses, work, friends, the society….
I realized I have expectations on others’ behavior towards me yet I never tell them what my expectations are. I expect the best and have gotten the worst. It makes me incredibly hopeless, depressed, sad and angry that people don’t meet my needs.
Yet I could never tell them what my expectations are! I silently judge the ones who I have high expectations for and then when they don’t meet them I build a wall of resentment. I resent a lot of people in my life! And once someone has gone into my “bad people’s box” they can never come out. Game over.
So concerning my real realization, well, we went to the therapy session we still have set up. I was at a point where I wasn’t sleeping because of my resentment and anger, I was constantly thinking of running away and leaving because that’s what I do when going gets tough, and to be honest I was just really unhappy.
We went and M started talking first. He said that he’s been thinking about his personality and that he basically feels that he’s not the right person to deal with me because he can’t give me what I want and need. It was a bit of a shock, but it made me really happy when he said that he’s been analyzing himself and his parents relationship and that they weren’t lovey dovey and that’s the role model he has.
So then it was my turn to talk. And talk I did! I said so much stuff I don’t think I have ever said as much from my heart before in my life! I said that I feel that my needs are not being met in this marriage and I have never told him what my needs were because I don’t feel like I deserve to say it out loud and demand stuff yet I have these expectations that he constantly doesn’t meet.
Lots of emotions. Feeling scared of expressing myself. Feeling embarrassed that M’s mom saw my scars and they all thought I spent Christmas in the bathroom cutting myself (I didn’t). Feeling bad because I think M doesn’t love me because I’m a liability. Feeling shit because the therapist and M both say it gets too much to take my negativity and complaining and at one point M will leave me because he can’t deal wth it anymore – he even said he avoids me a lot because he gets depressed because of my depression and he doesn’t want to live like that.
It made me very sad. I can’t help it and sometimes I enjoy the deep sadness and anger and being pissed off. It’s familiar. Depressed people need love too, no?
So I am now scared he will leave me because he’s fed up with me.
I also said I think we jumped into this marriage without finding out who the other person really was and then pretended we could just make it work without communicating.
I don’t know. So many thoughts. I feel vulnerable and enlightened and a bit hopeful yet sad beyond words. It’s really sad that I’m so messed up.