i know it’s a strong statement to make but it’s true. I used to love Christmas mind you, but due to having really shitty Christmases in my life I have started hating it.
My mom always loved Christmas. I think she always wanted everything to be perfect and had a very clear idea of how things should go. And although I don’t remember much about my childhood I know that every Christmas something happened and he flipped out or they fought or he walked out and didn’t come back for days (maybe that’s where my need to always run away comes from? Seeing he do it to my mom)
I was always sad for my mom. She had all these expectations and people – including me, I have to admit – let her down. There was always arguments and shit.
And then we had the big fight in 2002 where my brother bottled her over the head and I thought she’d die because I’ve never seen that much blood in my life (later I’ve heard head wounds just bleed a lot regardless)
That’s when I left. Two weeks later I was on a plane on my way to England and never went back. I couldn’t deal with my weak another who needed to keep up appearances, or my violent brother who should have known better because we already took that shit from my dad.
I didn’t do Christmas for years. I’d be the one to volunteer to work when I had part time jobs at college. Making coffee at Starbucks was fun. Probably the only job I ever liked.
Christmases in my twenties were a mix of staying home alone, or being with my ex boyfriend’s family. I remember liking being with him and his no-nonsense down to earth family.
I always go to church too. The solemn hymns speak to my soul.
My married life’s Christmases have also been shit. The first Christmas was when I really got depressed and felt alone. My husband didn’t give me a present and that really got to me. I remember spending the 25th in bed crying.
Last year I knew what to expect and was prepared for a let down. So it wasn’t so bad.
This year I have no expectations. I haven’t decorated, I have no plans, I couldn’t give a shit.
Yet the little girl in my heart wishes for candle light service at church, Christmas Eve dinner, snow and the smell of the tree, presents from loved ones and presents to them that they excitedly open…love, care and smiles.
Sigh. And knowing that will never be makes my heart ache and it’s things like these that I can’t resolve and that contribute to my depression.
I really wish you all a Merry Christmas and make it what will make you happy x