So much to say, so little energy to write. Fuck this depression.

Oh where should I start.

I had an amniocentesis on Wednesday. The plan was for me to get a rapid analysis done called FISH, but only after taking two vials of amniotic fluid did the hospital check with the insurance company and turns out they don’t cover that so as I didn’t wanna pay $600 for it, I’m only finding out the results in a week and a half. Sigh.

Work. On Friday they announced the promotion of a coworker of mine from account manager to team leader. I almost burst out crying. This guy started at the same time as me, he’s 21, fresh out of college, no experience, never been a manager or team leader before, and regularly uses the N word at work (also has made disrespectful remarks about me being pregnant and once called me a ho). I on the other had was an Account Manager first time about 5 years ago in London, I was first in a managerial position when working at Starbucks during college 12 YEARS AGO. I have ten years of work experience and exactly 50% more degrees than him!

I’m not disrespectful to people at work, I work hard, and had gotten the SAME SCORE at a recent quarterly review (he told me his score so I know).

I don’t ever wanna go back. I really wanna believe this is NOT because I’m pregnant, but it might be. I missed an hour of work on Monday, on Wednesday I got home at 11.30am and had to text my boss and ask to work from home as I was in a lot of pain from cramps and contractions from the amnio.

They probably think I’m not reliable. I do stay in late the days I’m late, as I’m really aware of the fact that I don’t wanna be a pity party or have anyone treat me any differently.

I think the guy got promoted as he is super friendly with the president and owner of the company. The two of them are always chatting and the guy seems to really like this guy.

Being an abuse survivor generally gives you shit self esteem and that’s something I’ve always had to deal with. I don’t think I’m good at anything, but for the first time in this job I was like OMG this is so beneath me, on the first day I already thought it was a move backwards on my career path, and thought I’d surely be the first to be promoted to run a team out of the three of us that they hired at the same time.

BUT NO. It’s a fucking joke and has really really affected me badly. I haven’t self harmed in forever but this weekend I’ve been in bed now for three days and I really really don’t wanna go back tomorrow. Really.

And then something happened with M and his family and I’m pissed off and again wanna run away. Been thinking about Wisconsin. London. Finland. Africa. I’ve started applying for jobs in all of the above (not that any ever work out…I am SO unemployable!) places. If I get a job somewhere, I’ll take it. Anywhere. Pretty much.

He talked to the therapist and said we didn’t wanna be kicked out of the program and we’ve gone separately twice but I just think we’re too different in the long term for this to work out.

If the baby (oh it’s a HE. We found out that it’s a boy. Fucking marvelous. I hate men. God loves to punish me) is okay and I keep it I really need to think about him and the two of us priorities. Work. Mental health and taking care of it. Being a good mother and a good citizen of the Earth. Fuck my family, fuck M’s family, I really don’t give a shit what anybody says I should do.

Ok night I can’t even write anymore.

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One thought on “So much to say, so little energy to write. Fuck this depression.

  1. Sounds like a tough time of life. You boy will be beautiful. You will love him and he won’t be a shitty man because you’ll love him. I hope you’re ok. xxx

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