This is crazy how my healing blog has turned into a parenting blog…Not my intention. But what’s going on in my pregnancy has a huge impact on how I feel, I think. And of course, this whole thing has brought up old memories from my childhood and yearning to go back to my roots, to my childhood, to things that I once was familiar with and that I really miss.
M and I went to see the specialist today because of my positive Down Syndrome screen and we were given two options: to do amniocentesis or a newly discovered blood test that scans the fetal DNA that’s freely floating in my blood.
M wants me to do the blood test. I wanna do amnio. With amnio, I’d get preliminary results in 48 hours, final results in 2 weeks, and it’s super definite, and I can move on to plan what to do next. With the blood test, I’d have to wait 2 weeks, and if it comes back positive, I’d still have to get amnio done.
I’m almost 19 weeks now, by the time we wait for 2 weeks, then do amnio, then wait again, I’ll have passed the Florida abortion limit of 23 weeks and 6 days.
M says the doctor was pushing for amnio because he will make more money from it.
The blood test seems to be about $2,000 give or take with insurance covering 80%. Expensive.
After numerous calls to both insurance company and the hospital, no one actually has any idea how much the amnio will cost (Welcome to America. You can get the care, but prior to accessing it you’ll have no fucking clue how much it all will cost. Fucking backwards) – I even talked to the man at the pricing department who admitted he only had a few prices on some Excel sheet! And this is a major hospital in Miami.
Amnio carries a 1% risk of miscarriage, and M says if the baby was actually okay but I miscarried, how could we live with ourselves?
I just wanna know. And I still wanna terminate if it’s positive because I’m positive that I don’t want a genetically disabled baby.
Imagine being stuck to a semi-functioning human being for the rest of your life?
M says we could do it because we have a support system, but we don’t really. We don’t have the money to look after a sick child, for one. Two, I don’t even know anyone with a child! I have one friend in Miami and she’s as single as she can be. I have no married friends, no friends with kids, no friends really. I absolutely do not have a support system.
When I got off of Effexor barely anyone that I had texted checked up on me. And I specifically asked for help and support!
I don’t expect perfection – chances are my child will at least battle a mental illness as depression runs in my family (three generations and counting), but I really would want a child that is okay ish and fairly healthy. Missing limbs, mental illness, deafness, autism, give me anything like that and I’ll deal, but genetic disorder that’s a slippery slope towards untimely death is not a future I am willing to live with.
Then again, it would be hard to find someone who would perform a late abortion. And I would have to be knocked out, I could not handle another termination, emotionally, not at all. I’d really die from the heartache.
I thought about adoption but M is even against that. I feel that this baby is pushing us even further apart as we can’t agree on anything!
He told me today he cried after I aborted our first baby. I had no idea. I just know that I made that decision all on my own, and I still feel that it was the right choice. 100%. It’s been fucking hard, but I was no ready. I hated the idea of having a child.
Now I’m really attached to this thing growing inside of me, and I even felt it move one day. I care for it, and I want to do my best to make life better for them than life has been for me.
I really really really just pray this baby is okay. I honestly do not think I could handle the consequences of a diagnosis. Cannot.