Positive Down Syndrome Screen

The title says it all. My Ob called me last night and said the screen had come back positive for Down Syndrome.

I love this baby from the bottom of my heart and I really really really wanted to have it.

But I can’t have a severely disabled baby. I already have two mental illnesses and I struggle with career choices (lack of) and my marriage and every two minutes I wanna run away and I’m fickle and nervous and not well.

I wanted to offer the child the best I could offer, and love him or her unconditionally, but if I had a Downs baby I would feel embarrassed, hopeless, depressed…

My Ob is amazing in the middle of all this, and has organized a geneticist to see me on Monday even though he’s on vacation.

I will do whatever test they offer but I can’t help but think how having another abortion – this time a child that I wanted and loved – would absolutely fucking kill me.

M always says it makes him miserable that I’m always so negative and complain about everything, but this is EXACTLY why I do it – whenever something good happen in my life, something bad follows that takes me deep into depression. The story of my life. I can’t help but know that all good ends in despair.


9 thoughts on “Positive Down Syndrome Screen

  1. I think this is a very personal choice. For what it’s worth, I would make the same choice as you (but for different reasons). I appreciate how openly and honestly you wrote about your feelings! It’s a very genuine post.

    I hope that everything works out for you.

  2. This baby is a gift and I know is a blessing in disguise. There are so many different forms of down syndrome not all are totally disabling. Your baby may grow up and lead a very happy life.Stay strong I am praying for you and I am here for you.

  3. In Canada even if the screening test comes back positive it does not mean baby has down syndrome. It just means that you are at a higher risk then the “normal” population. Not sure if it is the same where you are at. If we screen positive here, then we go on to have an amnio to find out for sure. I will send positive vibes and keep my fingers crossed that this is the case for you as it has been for several of my friends.

    • Thank you for the positive vibes…I met with a geneticist this morning and they said it’s up to me if I wanna do further testing and after all the options I opted for amnio and I’ll have that done on Wednesday morning. Yeah, same thing here in the US it seems, first the screening and then if that comes back “screen positive” i.e. severely increased risk, they offer further testing.

    • Yeah they did and I had it on Wednesday. Only after the procedure they contacted my insurance company who said they wouldn’t cover the FISH analysis, a kind of rapid test, and since I didn’t wanna pay 600 out of pocket I now have to wait for two weeks…

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