The title says it all. My Ob called me last night and said the screen had come back positive for Down Syndrome.
I love this baby from the bottom of my heart and I really really really wanted to have it.
But I can’t have a severely disabled baby. I already have two mental illnesses and I struggle with career choices (lack of) and my marriage and every two minutes I wanna run away and I’m fickle and nervous and not well.
I wanted to offer the child the best I could offer, and love him or her unconditionally, but if I had a Downs baby I would feel embarrassed, hopeless, depressed…
My Ob is amazing in the middle of all this, and has organized a geneticist to see me on Monday even though he’s on vacation.
I will do whatever test they offer but I can’t help but think how having another abortion – this time a child that I wanted and loved – would absolutely fucking kill me.
M always says it makes him miserable that I’m always so negative and complain about everything, but this is EXACTLY why I do it – whenever something good happen in my life, something bad follows that takes me deep into depression. The story of my life. I can’t help but know that all good ends in despair.