I feel weird.
I’m so full of anger and rage and depression and all-consuming hopelessness, and it’s really hard to be happy about the baby.
I feel like something bad will happen.
So far, nothing has. I’m 15 weeks now, no miscarriage thus far, bloodwork is okay, scans are okay, will see my Ob on Friday and really grill her about the Down Syndrome screens, but if everything is okay, I hope to soon feel less stressed and hopeless and more excited about the boy.
Yes, boy. I’m like 95% sure it’s a boy. Call it intuition.
I’m really tired from work by the time Friday rolls around, and I spend all my weekends in bed. Not that I have anything to do, anywhere to go, anyone to see. I have one friend. And she’s really busy all the time.
I really really really wanna go visit London, but flights are a grand and out of reach. Sucks ass. I miss everything about London! Even the weather…Right now my shitty little car doesn’t even have AC and the heat is a bit overwhelming…And I dream of the biting London fall weather.
I don’t think I will ever feel at home here. I’m not from here, it’s not my country, it’s not my city, I have no ties to here. Even my husband isn’t really from here! I do hope one day we can live somewhere else with better quality of life.
My therapist does say she doesn’t think I’ll be happy no matter where I go. She might be right. I’m just a miserable old hag who hates everything and everything makes me angry and miserable.
I have a lot of things going for me. I have a partner who isn’t violent, abusive, horrible, yet he supports me financially and I do know he wants the best for me.
I do live in Miami. And can go to the beach on the weekends.
I have a job and my husband has a job. Yes, we don’t get any time off and I will be unemployed when the baby comes, but. Right now, we wake up in the morning and do something productive and responsible and societally acceptable every day.
I have the dog. I love him.
Ok time to try sleep. I am sorry for my offensive words if they’re offensive to someone, I’m just angry and need to vent.