So Alone

I’m so alone.

So much stuff is going on.

I barely make it to work every day yet I’m angry that the job is below my skills and experience – like by this point in my life I should be very high up in the system yet I’m right at the bottom.

Struggling.

No friends.

Well I have one friend here in Miami but that’s it. I’ve been here for two years and I feel so alone.

Got kicked out of couple’s therapy because I didn’t participate like the counselor wanted me to participate.

Arguments, M is even asking why we’re doing this.

I would have left a long time ago if I had somewhere to go but I am so alone and I have nowhere to go.

Don’t feel like being homeless either.

We co-exist.

I doubt he loves me and I don’t think I love him anymore.

I have built so much resentment it’s made me occasionally hate him. We argue all the time and he sleeps on the couch.

We have no intimacy, no physical connection, no emotional connection.

We just celebrated our two-year wedding anniversary and I am more miserable than ever.

This fairy tale of up and moving to the other side of the world to be with a guy I had a fling with after a long friendship seemed like a fucking good idea two years ago but I didn’t realize that no matter where I go I will keep myself with me, and if I’m not happy, no matter where I’ll be I won’t be happy.

I miss London like fucking crazy.

I miss my previous relationships where at least there was emotion – yes, a lot of jealousy and negative emotions, but at least there were emotions. Now, we have nothing.

I wanna run away.

I want to take this baby and run away somewhere, to chase my freedom and myself.

I am self-centered. My husband M says it, my ex L said it, my MOTHER says it.

And they’re right. I am so focused on myself, my needs, my misery and ME that I’m unable to think about others. I shouldn’t ever be in a relationship.

I’m so sure this marriage will end because I know M is pissed off and tired of me, and he’s started saying what’s the point.

There is absolutely no point in us being together.

I should have never come here, I should have never gotten married, I should have probably never broken up with my ex, I should have never left London.

If I was in England I’d enjoy free healthcare and 52 weeks of maternity with this baby and general wellbeing, but instead I’m stuck here with bills going through the roof because of the baby and knowing that once I go give birth I’ll get fired from my job.

I’m miserable, depressed, angry, sad, alone, hopeless.

M x

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