I Can’t Stop Being Attracted to Women

I am sure I’ve mentioned it here before that I identify as bisexual. A lot of people around me thought it was a “phase” when I “came out” (told friends about it) and were sure I’d go back to men.

And I did. For a few years when I allowed myself to like women I enjoyed the gay scene and life in London, feeling like I could actually be myself and I was welcomed by a group of people in a setting that felt warm and inviting.

And then I met L. I had had an on and off thing with this girl B for about a year by that point when I was kind of set up by R, this other bisexual survivor I knew (we met on Gumtree, kind of like Craigslist in England where I’d posted an ad to meet “like-minded women* and she replied) and R was sleeping with both men and women at the time, and set me up with some fuckbuddy’s cousin.

I wish I could write about R. She was a pathological liar, a really messed up person who I liked still and was always hanging out with, but she was a trip and when I started dating L she went kind of crazy and I had to drop her. She for example told all our friends in the middle of Pride that I’d started dating a guy (I didn’t want people to know because I knew the women would view me differently…and it’s true, I lost a lot of my friends when I started dating a guy). She was very bossy and demanding and jealous and manipulative, and although I’m used to friends like that, I kind of felt like she actually cared about me and “got me.”

Anyway so I fell for L, my last boyfriend, the one I’m having a reeeeeally hard time forgetting.

And I also miss and lust after B, my ex-girlfriend. She was really hot, and I really sometimes feel like I missed out on an opportunity for happiness.

Also, last night my husband M started having sex with me and I got a flashback to the abuse and started crying and hyperventilating and it was horrible and painful and I just know that I probably will never enjoy having sex with a man.

I should have stayed with women. I never had flashbacks with women! Never. Sex was always painless and beautiful, and a woman can never ever hurt me.

I don’t really know why I went back to men. I think it was L. I think I fell for the safety he offered, and he was very masculine and muscular and hot and I felt feminine and girly and small and taken care for.

I did cheat on him by kissing my ex-gf at Pride. And I didn’t tell him. I didn’t feel guilty, it was something that happened that day, it was like, being around her made me feel those feelings for her again and I just followed my instinct.

Also, I think a lot of women become gay because of childhood sexual abuse. I know this is not a popular opinion, but honestly, the amount of gay survivors I’ve met is a lot. Of course, some women don’t become gay, so who knows.

Well, this was what my mother said to me when I told her about being gay. She literally said “It’s because of what your dad did to you when you were a child, you need to work on yourself, this is not what you really are.”

So I don’t know. Am I bisexual because I was abused as a child?

I for sure can’t enjoy sex with a man because I was.

It kind of sucks to not be a functioning female.

So anyway, M and I haven’t discussed what happened. He has not asked how I am. He has no idea why I went crazy. And he’s not even trying to find out.

Also, I’m now completely off Effexor. I have intense feelings (I already had intense emotions before but now it’s like whoa).

Oh and yeah, still pregnant. 10 weeks now. Seeing Ob for the first time on Wednesday.

M

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8 thoughts on “I Can’t Stop Being Attracted to Women

  1. I also had an easier time sexually with women when I was younger because of the memories and trauma of my dad taping me. I fell for Dayne for the same reason you fell for your ex bf. He is strong, protective and made me feel safe and loved. We still sometimes have issues with sex because of my past but after all these years we seem to have worked though a lot of them. I hope your hubs comes to his senses and asks you about your reaction. I know he avoids things that are uncomfortable (I think he does, anyway) but this is a big one.

    Xx how have you been feeling with the pregnancy? It usually gets better in your second trimester.

    • Hey hun! Oh my gosh you have no idea how good it feels to know that someone understands me…Yes, I absolutely feel so much more comfortable with women and although I try to be “straight” I know I have to be honest with myself and let me feel whatever feelings I feel and right now I just am grossed out by men and it’s not cool when you’re married to one…It’s not his fault for being a man, and it’s not my fault I like both women and men, but what bugs me is the ambiguity, I go for women for the sexual intimacy, for being attracted to them, and for comfortable companionship, but I go for men because of the society says it’s easier with men, and because in the end I wanna feel like a “woman”.
      I still have morning sickness, I got off the meds so I am not as worried about all these side effects they could have on the fetus, but now I am obsessed with reading what you should and shouldn’t do, and I don’t feel very maternal, just tired and grumpy. I have had a few moments where I have felt like killing myself, and now that I drive it’s even scarier because I’ll be behind the wheel and the hopelessness comes like a wave and all I wanna do is crash the car…
      I also feel so angry about being in this country where motherhood isn’t supported legally or financially. Makes me want to run away! But at the weekends I try to make a trip to the beach and it makes me feel better lying in the shallow warm ocean water in the sunshine.
      How are you? What’s been happening?
      M

      • Isn’t it frustrating? To have to take a path just do you don’t have to constantly argue with “society”? You’re right, it’s not his fault he’s a man but that you feel the way you feel is not your fault either. ūüė¶

        When I was pregnant with my son I didn’t feel maternal at all. When he was born I hoped I would feel this huge rush of love (I hear other moms tell that story – they never knew they could love another person so much until the moment they laid eyes on their baby) but I didn’t. Just felt bewildered and afraid of the screaming little bundle in my arms. Maternal instinct wasn’t natural for me right away but, it didn’t take long to come around. I’m a really good mom and have been for all of my son’s life even though he’s disabled … Something I genuinely worried about before he came along. That will all come with time for you too. Try not to worry over it … Everyone is different. Xx

        Being off your meds is good for the babe but hard on you. Give yourself room to breathe…it’s okay to feel hopeless now and then. I hadn’t started my therapy/meds when I was pregnant so I feel for you. It must be so hard to cope with everything at once. Becoming a mother, working on a marriage when you feel so split in half, being in a country that isn’t home and coping with the inside stuff as well. Xox

        I live north of you in Canada and we have a better system for maternity but not anywhere near as good as the UK. We have a much better health care system though…everything is covered from check ups to the actual birth and delivery. Having to pay for all that sounds terrifying. Will you get any benefits when the little one is born? Will your husband be able to stay home to help for a while?

        You can email me any time you know. Xxx. Talk to you again soon. (Hugs)

      • Wow it’s crazy how I can relate to everything you’re saying. I’m really blessed to have met you! No, I won’t get anything, and no, M won’t get any time off. I think the US is the shittiest country in the world to be a mother, and this is before I even am one! There’s just no employment protection, no help for middle class people (I think if we were dirt poor we’d get free healthcare and benefits), and to my estimate this child will cost over 50k in the first year alone even if everything goes well…..I don’t know how we’ll do it, but somehow it seemed like a good idea to become a parent. I don’t know if it’s an urge to right the wrongs of the past, or the crazy obsession I developed after the abortion, or what, but I’m not maternal at all and generally dislike kids, yet want to have one of my own.

        I would want to adopt too. I feel for the underdog, and I would want to help. I feel selfish for getting pregnant when the world is full of suffering children who would love to have a parent.

        We have pretty good insurance now that M swallowed his pride and went back to the company where he was working when we met. He hates it, and has on many occasions said how I am not supportive of his pursuit of happiness yet force him to do stuff he doesn’t want, while he supports me finding myself, so I feel bad, but also feel like as a man, he better fucking go to work and support us because I left everything on a whim to come over and marry him.

        But whoa you’re doing so well, I read about the troubles you have raising a disabled child yet you flourish and keep doing your thing and stay strong. I honestly don’t know how you do it!? I know Canada is better than the US, but you’re right, nothing compares to western Europe when it comes to women’s rights and maternity benefits and quality of life. Sometimes I really wonder what the hell I’m doing here to be honest.

        I think I was fed up with everything, had just broken up, had this workmate who I had a crush on and then created a fantasy in my head of how perfect everything would be if I chased that dream, and changed everything only to live here and still not be happy.

        I think sometimes I’m happy. I try to be happy. I try to look at the good things. Even if things are not amazing between M and I, at least it’s as good as I guess it could be between two people who knew each other for three years but only over Skype, never having lived in the same place before…..

        I’m rambling on, but yes, I’ll send you an email soon. Take very good care my love, and thank you for your love, as always. M

  2. I can relate to what you are saying as well. I live a “straight” life so to speak. I am marries to a man, have two children, all that stuff, but I have a very hard time being sexually intimate with men. I much prefer women and feel much safer with them. I guess we are not alone.

    • Thank you for your comment. Yes, we’re definitely not alone, and I think it’s so wonderful that you all can be so honest here with me, it makes me feel not as crazy and alone. Take good care!

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