I am sure I’ve mentioned it here before that I identify as bisexual. A lot of people around me thought it was a “phase” when I “came out” (told friends about it) and were sure I’d go back to men.
And I did. For a few years when I allowed myself to like women I enjoyed the gay scene and life in London, feeling like I could actually be myself and I was welcomed by a group of people in a setting that felt warm and inviting.
And then I met L. I had had an on and off thing with this girl B for about a year by that point when I was kind of set up by R, this other bisexual survivor I knew (we met on Gumtree, kind of like Craigslist in England where I’d posted an ad to meet “like-minded women* and she replied) and R was sleeping with both men and women at the time, and set me up with some fuckbuddy’s cousin.
I wish I could write about R. She was a pathological liar, a really messed up person who I liked still and was always hanging out with, but she was a trip and when I started dating L she went kind of crazy and I had to drop her. She for example told all our friends in the middle of Pride that I’d started dating a guy (I didn’t want people to know because I knew the women would view me differently…and it’s true, I lost a lot of my friends when I started dating a guy). She was very bossy and demanding and jealous and manipulative, and although I’m used to friends like that, I kind of felt like she actually cared about me and “got me.”
Anyway so I fell for L, my last boyfriend, the one I’m having a reeeeeally hard time forgetting.
And I also miss and lust after B, my ex-girlfriend. She was really hot, and I really sometimes feel like I missed out on an opportunity for happiness.
Also, last night my husband M started having sex with me and I got a flashback to the abuse and started crying and hyperventilating and it was horrible and painful and I just know that I probably will never enjoy having sex with a man.
I should have stayed with women. I never had flashbacks with women! Never. Sex was always painless and beautiful, and a woman can never ever hurt me.
I don’t really know why I went back to men. I think it was L. I think I fell for the safety he offered, and he was very masculine and muscular and hot and I felt feminine and girly and small and taken care for.
I did cheat on him by kissing my ex-gf at Pride. And I didn’t tell him. I didn’t feel guilty, it was something that happened that day, it was like, being around her made me feel those feelings for her again and I just followed my instinct.
Also, I think a lot of women become gay because of childhood sexual abuse. I know this is not a popular opinion, but honestly, the amount of gay survivors I’ve met is a lot. Of course, some women don’t become gay, so who knows.
Well, this was what my mother said to me when I told her about being gay. She literally said “It’s because of what your dad did to you when you were a child, you need to work on yourself, this is not what you really are.”
So I don’t know. Am I bisexual because I was abused as a child?
I for sure can’t enjoy sex with a man because I was.
It kind of sucks to not be a functioning female.
So anyway, M and I haven’t discussed what happened. He has not asked how I am. He has no idea why I went crazy. And he’s not even trying to find out.
Also, I’m now completely off Effexor. I have intense feelings (I already had intense emotions before but now it’s like whoa).
Oh and yeah, still pregnant. 10 weeks now. Seeing Ob for the first time on Wednesday.