Funny How The Abuse Is Starting to Pop Into My Head Again

I’ve started feeling all types of ways about my childhood.

There suddenly have been days when I REALLY miss Finland – I start feeling intense longing for the forests of eastern Finland where I grew up, the lakes dotted around the countryside where I’d go swimming in the summertime, the smell of fresh forest air, and the gentle summer heat that prevails this time of year.

I miss knowing people around me. I miss knowing the system around me, how things worked, the values people and the system had, and actually agreeing with those values.

I miss the clean nature, how people care about the world around them, I miss living in a place where people walk instead of drive everywhere, where I first learned to bike and take the bus instead of drive a car.

I miss the food. I miss fresh potatoes straight from the ground at my cousins’ farm. I miss green organic lettuce leaves growing in my mom’s garden. I miss her putting chives on everything just because we had so much of them. I miss picking black currants and blueberries, fresh strawberries that were picked that morning and that you’d get at the farmer’s market, and I mis licorice ice cream.

I miss licorice everything. And rye bread. Right now I could kill for some fresh sour rye bread with cucumber and cheese on top…

And then of course the abuse. I have started having random feelings and memories here and there, out of nowhere really. It’s spooky, but I also know that my mind goes there when I’m already sad or upset. It’s like a chain reaction. I start crying about something my husband has done and then my mind automatically wanders into my childhood and to the most painful memories.

I do think that doing that trauma therapy helped me open my eyes to the trauma of my childhood. Now it’s allllll coming back.

I’m just really angry.



4 thoughts on “Funny How The Abuse Is Starting to Pop Into My Head Again

  1. Hugs from me. Reading your description, it sounds like heaven where you grew up (minus the people/abuse, of course). I wish you could come visit me for a week. We have lovey forests and farms all around me…not quite the same but still peaceful and calming.

    Thinking of you. xx

    • You do?! Oh man I wish I could…I really miss the peaceful hum of wind blowing through pine trees and the smell of fresh morning dew on green grass, and of course animals and farms and fresh food.

      Yeah we do have palm trees and water in Florida but the smell isn’t the same and the city is dirty and not safe and you have to drive everywhere and that’s the part I hate.

      I also would love to do horse riding but it’s so expensive 😦

      Nice to hear from you, I am trying to be more active here because it keeps me sane during work days, take good care my friend xx

  2. Hi 🙂 I just want you to know that i know just how you feel and im glad to have found your blog. Hard thing about starting therapy and counselling is the shit it brings back up, thats whats brought me here, healing through writing and sharing. I haven’t really ever read anything from anyone that has had simular experiences as mine, so its really interesting to read for me. Thank you.

    • Thank you for coming by and leaving such a beautiful comment, I really appreciate connecting with you and I am thankful that you have found it interesting to read my thoughts. You’re absolutely right, therapy does bring stuff up, and most of the time it’s not pleasant and you want to fight against the memories and the pain and the anxiety that comes with all of it. Take very good care of yourself and thank you for taking time to get in touch! Sending love and hugs, M.

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