I’ve started feeling all types of ways about my childhood.
There suddenly have been days when I REALLY miss Finland – I start feeling intense longing for the forests of eastern Finland where I grew up, the lakes dotted around the countryside where I’d go swimming in the summertime, the smell of fresh forest air, and the gentle summer heat that prevails this time of year.
I miss knowing people around me. I miss knowing the system around me, how things worked, the values people and the system had, and actually agreeing with those values.
I miss the clean nature, how people care about the world around them, I miss living in a place where people walk instead of drive everywhere, where I first learned to bike and take the bus instead of drive a car.
I miss the food. I miss fresh potatoes straight from the ground at my cousins’ farm. I miss green organic lettuce leaves growing in my mom’s garden. I miss her putting chives on everything just because we had so much of them. I miss picking black currants and blueberries, fresh strawberries that were picked that morning and that you’d get at the farmer’s market, and I mis licorice ice cream.
I miss licorice everything. And rye bread. Right now I could kill for some fresh sour rye bread with cucumber and cheese on top…
And then of course the abuse. I have started having random feelings and memories here and there, out of nowhere really. It’s spooky, but I also know that my mind goes there when I’m already sad or upset. It’s like a chain reaction. I start crying about something my husband has done and then my mind automatically wanders into my childhood and to the most painful memories.
I do think that doing that trauma therapy helped me open my eyes to the trauma of my childhood. Now it’s allllll coming back.
I’m just really angry.