My therapist always just tells me to change. “Do this, think that, blah blah.” I always feel like screaming that it’s too hard and I don’t even want to change!
I am not happy in myself. I really hate who I am. I have nothing to show for myself, and I’m getting older and older and life is passing by without me making an impact in this world. It makes me incredibly and utterly hopeless and sad.
Also, I think it is painful that no one understands. I know I have weird triggers and when they’re pushed the “normal” me goes out the door and psycho comes in and does weird unexplainable stuff that no one gets, and then I get blamed for it. I wish someone would say you know what M, it is okay. It is okay to feel like that. But no one ever does. All I get is how I need to change and I am made feel bad for the behavior I don’t even understand myself!
So not only do I beat myself up for the symptoms of my Borderline Personality Disorder, others do too.
I do try to change sometimes. I am now in a committed relationship, something that I’ve never done before. I always had one foot out the door in my previous relationships, and they were always very tumultuous and emotionally straining. Well, I am emotionally strained now too, but I guess because I’m all alone in a foreign country, I can’t have one foot out the door. Where would I even go if I left? I have nothing.
Yet, I haven’t left. I do think about leaving and storming out whenever I feel the emotions and need to run, but I never really do. So that’s a change. Also, I recently got in contact with someone who I used to be friends with, until something happened and *insert a long arduous story about emotional ups and downs and sadness and betrayal and crazy thoughts and despair and the end of a friendship here* then we weren’t friends anymore. Yet she had been a very close friend for years, and I thought I’d make contact and emailed her. I apologized and treaded very lightly as I had no idea what she’d say.
She did email me back and then I emailed her, and maybe now, who knows, not that we’re in contact again, anything can happen.
Even if it doesn’t, I at least know that I’m working on my pent-up anger and deep feelings of being betrayed, being alone, and having no one to turn to in this world who understands me.
It is scary and very overwhelming to let go of emotions that I’ve held for so long. It is frightening, even. I’m like a rabbit caught at headlights, unsure what to do or where to go because it’s new. It is always easier to stay where you are and not change; even if it’s painful and uncomfortable, it’s familiar. Familiarity makes a whoooole lot of people stick to what they know, even if it’s unhealthy.
Change is so hard. Very very very hard. But for the sake of people around me, I try. I don’t do it for me, because I’m comfortable where I’m at, but I know if I don’t change, I’ll forever be alone. And I think that’s a hard pill to swallow, too.