Recent Depressive Episode. Change Is Tough!

Although it seems that I’ve never gotten a definite diagnosis for any of my mental health struggles (they’ve ranged from bipolar, depression, and anxiety to borderline personality disorder), I continue to struggle through life even though I’m seeing two different therapists, I don’t really work, and I am on Effexor.

Some people say diagnoses are bad because then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and people act out their illness even more, but I think sometimes it can be enormously beneficial to know what’s wrong with you. I remember the first time someone said they thought I was Borderline and I looked it up and my life turned upside down because I finally stopped feeling crazy and felt like a burden had been lifted because there finally was a name for how I felt!

I do feel better sometimes, yet feeling better is scary. I am used to feeling angry, miserable, hate everything and feel depressed. It’s who I am! I think it’s scary to feel any other way…No matter what changes in my life around me, I continue to feel SHIT. And I love it. It is who I am.

My husband once got really tired of my shit and told me he hated me complaining so much about everything and it really hurt because I felt like he criticized my core being.

I tried to stop, and I try to be more positive.

However, just few days ago something happened again and I was plunged into the deep angry depression where I used to go more often, the place where I seriously fantasize and plan killing myself and I start cutting and drinking and stop contacting the outside world (my phone was off for three days this time and I still haven’t contacted anyone. I think I am increasingly isolated and I love it. I hate the world and I hate people).

Anyway. I think I’ll just stop talking to people. Makes life easier!

Good night xx


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