I really want to start using more pictures in my posts to make it more bloggy, but then again, I really started this to vent out my feelings and thoughts and it’s not meant to be a Perez Hilton style celeb or fashion blog so what’s the point?
Above is a little snap from our quick trip to the Bahamas.
It’s been dramatic and hectic in my life as per usual.
I don’t know if you guys are tired of me complaining, but I am tired yet there is nothing that I can do. Everything sucks, and the things that don’t suck, are so small that my depression sucks them in and makes them inconspicuous.
We had an argument, my hubby walked out and wasn’t anywhere to be seen for hours, I called around and got his mom and brother worried, only for him to come back for us to argue again and me walk out. I texted a girl I know from my dog park asking if I could crash on her couch, and I went to hers and didn’t come home for over 18 hours.
I know it’s super mean – me with my suicidal tendencies and history, going missing, not to be reached…not good. But I was angry, and I wanted him to taste his own medicine.
I was worried about coming back, but when I did, he held me for 20 minutes without letting me go, and apologized for everything, and we started talking again. It really is super dramatic and emotional in my life, and I feel like I’m addicted to drama….
Still no work for either of us. Moving in with the in-laws is imminent and we’re packing and hauling shit over on a daily basis. Sucks.
I’ve done some tutoring and have a little online English teaching gig and have done a shift at a language school subbing for someone, but teaching ESOL isn’t very profitable and there is no real career in it, I feel. Plus I always think I’m shit and as I don’t have a real education in it, I feel I’m not qualified (many people take the same TEFL course as I did and go and teach in foreign countries even, but I still don’t feel I’m that good). I also worry about my accent.
I sound fairly American (I think, and I’ve been told) and I can fool most foreigners, but not all. I am embarrassed about some syllable sounds that make me sound foreign, and hence I don’t feel I can teach effectively. I feel like people will see through me and know I’m not really American.
I worry about our future. I feel I never will find work (honestly) and although I know I could find something, I don’t just wanna do whatever comes up, I really wanna do something meaningful.
I should study but I can’t concentrate on one idea long enough.
I try to think about things that I am happy about, and a few things come to mind. I am happy for my friends; I have a few amazing amazing amazing individuals in my life, my best friend A in Wisconsin, another friend M who’s there too, my hubby’s brother’s girlfriend A who’s just been my rock..A few people in England who haven’t forgotten about me even though I’m this far away, and I love them for it. I would be nothing without my friends. My friends are everything to me, 100%. I can’t begin to even thank God for bringing these amazing individuals into my life, they have shaped me into who I am, what I believe in, they have my back and they make me want to be a better person because I want to be there for them too.
I’m fairly healthy. Ok I should lose weight, but considering I inhale a bag of candy on a daily basis and somehow maintain 128 pounds on my 5’5″ frame is unbelievable. I eat such unhealthy crap, really, I struggle with crazy food obsessions and serious guilt, and never enjoy anything I put in my mouth. But I can walk, see, hear..I’m ok. For South Beach, I’m obese, but for America, I’m average.
And..I am happy for living in Miami. Ok, there’s a lot of stuff that sucks about this city, but the weather is great! I love living in a place where I can walk out in a t-shirt in January, never have to wear more than a light coat, and where grass is always green. I love green. I love the ocean too. And the beach. Although I never go, but that’s beside the point.
Night night lovelies xx M