Jeez how bad can things get? Unemployment and Depression.

I know I haven’t blogged in months so it’s gonna be hard to summarize everything but..I still regret the abortion to a certain extent and it’s a trauma that I am having a hard time dealing with. I also haven’t found a job (still) and been teaching English at a language school and finding tutoring students and boarding dogs (5 over the holidays in our little South Beach studio) to make some money, and I’m tirrrrrrred.

So I quit my job. Well, I was a contractor so I just said no more classes please and that was that.

Now my husband M quit his job.

Our lease is coming to an end this month, and I’ve been busy looking for somewhere new, but I guess now that we’re both unemployed and we have NO income, we can’t really obviously afford to pay rent. Womp womp.

I felt I was getting better emotionally but then something again happened that triggered a depressive mood, and I started cutting again and drank and smoked and wallowed under the covers for days just crying and wanting to end it all, and then I slowly came back to the normal mood and then had a bit of a hyper episode too where I could not stop talking and my thoughts were racing a hundred miles an hour.

I wonder about my diagnosis, and wonder what’s wrong with me, and I wonder what I’d be like without a mental illness, and I wonder who I really am….???

Seems like we’re moving in with the in-laws from the last day of this month and then…fuck knows??? I hate instability because that’s what my mind creates for me, and I really had hoped that this life together with M would force me to accept stability, but now I’ve been torn apart into a hopeless situation.

In America, you can’t not have money. In England you could, in Finland too, Europe in general, but not here. Our health insurance costs 600 a month and that’s just the basic, if I want to actually see a doctor that’s $25 a pop, plus any prescriptions and treatment. I fucking hate the healthcare provision here especially now that we don’t have an income whatsoever.

Soooo. Yeah.

Marital issues too. Lots. I still don’t talk much. I wallow in my thoughts.

We had started trying for a baby two months ago when we did have a chat and decided we were both ready, and now I can’t get pregnant. Call it karma. When you don’t want something it happens and when you really do want it it’s impossible to get.

We did everything right, and I keep on getting my period. Well, good thing we don’t have a baby considering we DON’T HAVE ANY MONEY!

Fuck this. Really, fuck this.

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2 thoughts on “Jeez how bad can things get? Unemployment and Depression.

  1. I don’t know anything about you, but I do know that I was brought to you tonight to deliver a message that I myself do not fully understand, but the message isn’t from me or about me. I know that God is pulling me to reach out to you, because He wants to get your attention right now. I need you to know that God will supply all of your needs, and He wants to give you His peace which surpasses all human understanding. He knows that you are tormented by a darkness, and He wants you to know that you can call on Him to rescue you from the torment that you are suffering in your life. It is crucial for you to understand that the pain and guilt that weighs heavy on your heart have already been forgiven. God hears your heart, and He loves you so much that He called on me to reach out to you in the middle of the night. He can’t stand to see you hurting and living this way. He won’t force himself on you, but He wants you to know that all that you need to do is call on Him. He is aware of your needs, and He wants to share His love and blessings that He has planned for you when you were conceived in the womb. He doesn’t hold anything against you and He wants nothing but peace and prosperity for your life. You are going to be healed and filled with hope, but you have to call out to God and ask Him to save you from every negative thought that has consumed your mind and tainted your vision for your future. He is able to bless you with a child, but He wants to help you first. He needs you to understand that all of your hopes can be restored to good through FAITH in Him.
    I personally don’t know your heart or if you are a believer in Christ Jesus or if you practice any particular religion, but I know that God wants to pull you out of darkness and share His love and blessings in your life. Below are two passages from the Book of Psalm. I am not the most fluent in the Bible as I have only known God in my life for the last year, but I believe these are passages written by David. If you don’t know anything about David or the Bible, I hope that this will give you reason to want to learn more.

    “For the enemy has pursued my soul;
    he has crushed my life to the ground;
    he has made me sit in darkness like those long dead.
    Therefore my spirit faints within me;
    my heart within me is appalled.
    I remember the days of old;
    I meditate on all that you have done;
    I ponder the work of your hands.
    I stretch out my hands to you;
    my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Selah

    Answer me quickly, O LORD!
    My spirit fails!
    Hide not your face from me,
    lest I be like those who go down to the pit.
    Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love,
    for in you I trust.
    Make me know the way I should go,
    for to you I lift up my soul. . .

    For your name’s sake, O LORD, preserve my life!
    In your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble!
    (Psalm 143:3–11).

    If the LORD had not been my help,
    my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.
    When I thought, “My foot slips,”
    your steadfast love, O LORD, held me up.
    When the cares of my heart are many,
    your consolations cheer my soul.
    (Psalm 94:17–19).

  2. I just saw that you are a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I am the national volunteer coordinator for Childhelp, and I also am a fighting advocate to prevent childhood sexual abuse through prevention efforts in our schools. I am writing this to you now, because I just realized why God was asking me to reach out to you. Your painful past is my life focus and purpose to change for future children. I think we can help each other. God is asking me to share His love for you to you for a reason, and I think He might have a plan that involves your past to help change the lives of children.
    jweninger@childhelp.org please email me if you are able to talk about this.
    Janet

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