I know I haven’t blogged in months so it’s gonna be hard to summarize everything but..I still regret the abortion to a certain extent and it’s a trauma that I am having a hard time dealing with. I also haven’t found a job (still) and been teaching English at a language school and finding tutoring students and boarding dogs (5 over the holidays in our little South Beach studio) to make some money, and I’m tirrrrrrred.
So I quit my job. Well, I was a contractor so I just said no more classes please and that was that.
Now my husband M quit his job.
Our lease is coming to an end this month, and I’ve been busy looking for somewhere new, but I guess now that we’re both unemployed and we have NO income, we can’t really obviously afford to pay rent. Womp womp.
I felt I was getting better emotionally but then something again happened that triggered a depressive mood, and I started cutting again and drank and smoked and wallowed under the covers for days just crying and wanting to end it all, and then I slowly came back to the normal mood and then had a bit of a hyper episode too where I could not stop talking and my thoughts were racing a hundred miles an hour.
I wonder about my diagnosis, and wonder what’s wrong with me, and I wonder what I’d be like without a mental illness, and I wonder who I really am….???
Seems like we’re moving in with the in-laws from the last day of this month and then…fuck knows??? I hate instability because that’s what my mind creates for me, and I really had hoped that this life together with M would force me to accept stability, but now I’ve been torn apart into a hopeless situation.
In America, you can’t not have money. In England you could, in Finland too, Europe in general, but not here. Our health insurance costs 600 a month and that’s just the basic, if I want to actually see a doctor that’s $25 a pop, plus any prescriptions and treatment. I fucking hate the healthcare provision here especially now that we don’t have an income whatsoever.
Marital issues too. Lots. I still don’t talk much. I wallow in my thoughts.
We had started trying for a baby two months ago when we did have a chat and decided we were both ready, and now I can’t get pregnant. Call it karma. When you don’t want something it happens and when you really do want it it’s impossible to get.
We did everything right, and I keep on getting my period. Well, good thing we don’t have a baby considering we DON’T HAVE ANY MONEY!
Fuck this. Really, fuck this.