A year has gone by…It was my birthday yesterday, and for the first time in .. I don’t even know, I didn’t self-harm. I really think it’s the medication, I love the effect it has on my mood!
I am usually really depressed around my birthday and of course, family holidays like Christmas. I remember my childhood and all the bad stuff, and cannot feel joy.
I used to feel anxious about how many people wish me happy birthday, how perfect the party is, how many people show up (usually not many because every year I’m in a different place in my life!) and the like, but this year – without Facebook and it’s reminders and depressing counting of “Likes” and birthday wishes in order to measure people’s love towards me – I didn’t feel in any kind of way.
I woke up, went to the gym, spent time alone, didn’t feel like doing anything, didn’t feel like it was my birthday really either. I just did not care. It’s weird but in a way, quite nice. I just don’t care about birthdays anymore!
I had invited some people for dinner and we got ready and I had a few people spend time with me at the Thai restaurant that I’d picked out (like my soul sister, A, who’s dating my husband’s brother, she’s my rock here really!)
We had a good time; someone I know from the dog park, a student of mine and her husband, an old colleague…nice group, fun chats, simple human get-together with no animosity, expectations, deep emotions…just fun.
I feel sad partly because my ex-boyfriend did get in touch and wish me happy birthday over an email, and that threw me off course and I ended up bawling my fake lashes off in the bathroom before the dinner.
He still has an impact on me and it hurts. He just was so passionate and in tune with me that the love that got lost hurts even today, and I don’t think I will truly ever get over him for good. His memory will always be a part of my life for sure.
I feel numb, like it wasn’t really a birthday. My husband didn’t get me anything (he’s not really the gift-giving type, or the type of a guy who is in tune with emotions or important little things like remembering to celebrate a birthday) and that really hurt me too..Sigh. It is what it is.
Take care y’all.