I have really been trying to work on myself lately.
Not only was I sent to a Community Mental Health Center after my hospitalization (I’ve been told I’m lucky, these facilities are not available to a lot of people in the US) to receive monthly psychiatric care, I also have been seeing a therapist once a week.
I am not sure what I think about her yet. It definitely isn’t super serious psychoanalytic therapy like the one I did in England a few years ago; although I don’t know what psychological approach she uses, it’s much more chatty and conversation-based than what I’ve done before. (I think it’s very close to CBT because she keeps on talking about how to change my behavior..)
I hate CBT, but I try like her and I try take it seriously. She is nice, just a bit older than me, and I suspect she is only working at this NPO because she needs to get her MSc student loans forgiven…But whatever reason she has to work there, I appreciate that I can see her.
I pay $10 to see the psychiatrist once a month, and only a fiver to see the therapist once a week! So I’m lucky.
I feel like her room is my respite – there I can talk about anything and everything that’s on my mind, and I can be really honest.
I have briefly told her about my childhood, and the other week she told me she wasn’t really able to help me with that kind of trauma, and referred me to a specialist trauma center (The Trauma Resolution Center) and I had high hopes for the treatment but I’m again undecided at this point…
I went for the intake session and then to the first group meeting, and it was a big disappointment. A lot of people who they treat are victims of Domestic Violence (or Intimate Partner Violence as it’s also called) and they make you go through four group sessions, but it’s not group therapy or support group, it’s more like a 45-minute lecture.
The session I attended was on the effects of DV on children, and I left in tears………..
It was traumatic for me, and I’ve never before been this sensitive to stimuli, but I think the abortion really affected me in the sense that I had it because as a survivor of CSA and DV, I am aware of the cyclical pattern of these things and was so worried about becoming an abuser (by accident as I don’t know what normal is) that I aborted the baby, and so this whole session just really really really upset me and I started crying and then the leader pulled me aside at the end and had a word with me, and I didn’t feel supported, understood or respected at all.
I think maybe she’s just not so aware of issues but it’s just weird because she works at a trauma treatment center (??) – I think the ob-gyn that did my abortion was much more sympathetic and understanding of my struggles and journey than this woman was!
Anyway. I will keep on going if they admit me into the program – I might as well, they are professionals after all, and right now I’ll take any help I can get!
I hope my regular therapist won’t stop seeing me, but I’m also aware of it not being a good idea to see two therapists at the same time, so when I’m admitted to the one-on-one program at the trauma center, I’ll have to make some tough decisions.
Other than that, I’m okay. It’s been a long journey for me, I feel. And I’m still here! Every day is a struggle – relationships, loneliness, struggling with work and educational goals with my Borderline causing troubles, depression, not fitting in…- but I manage.
I think my medication is finally pretty good – I’m on Effexor and it’s really helping with my anxiety – so I got that going for me!
Have a wonderful weekend! xxx