If I hadn’t had an abortion the baby would be due next week

Is kind of the only thing on my mind right now. As the due date looms my mood keeps getting weirder – I keep thinking about how I would be ready to pop and become a mother, but then at the back of my head I know I made the right decision by aborting because I’m not ready to be a good parent.

I think that’s really what’s missing in the national and global abortion debate – whether women (and men who got them pregnant) are really ready to take good care of another human being.

Almost any female in the reproductive age can become pregnant, but parenting is a whole another thing.

I myself have a lot of anger issues, some of which I have started discussing in therapy. I told my therapist that I feel I would be capable of physical abuse, and that it scares the shit out of me. She said she thinks any human being is capable of both good and evil, but that we make choices on what we choose to let rule our behavior.

I think she’s right, but my hatred towards innocence and my extreme anger that results in lashing out is scary, and I don’t think I can ever actually look after anything.

We have a dog of course, and in the beginning I was really angry and annoyed all the time. When he pooped inside I got really frustrated and in my head I wanted to hit him, but never did because I abhor animal abuse, and know better than to punish an innocent animal who didn’t know what he was doing, but the extreme anger scares me.

I have also started a dog sitting side business (I do love dogs, I really do) as we fostered quite a few dogs for the local shelter and I realized I could make a bit of extra money on the side, and although I like it, I also hate it.

I hate needy creatures. I hate being bothered and having to do things on others’ schedules. Dogs fucking wake you up when they need to pee, they poop on the floor, they pull the leash, they jump on you and they can be really freaking annoying.

I just looked after a senior dog that was blind and deaf, plus he was incontinent too so he was in diapers. I hated him!! I have no love for innocent creatures, I just see stupidity and need and really hate it.

But, I never showed my anger. I changed diapers, took him for walks, cleaned him up, bandaged him bleeding old paws, nursed him to the best of my abilities. But I also hated it!

So, as a conclusion, I am not a caring person at all. I don’t think I am capable of love either. I’m just cold and I have a frozen heart, and I am glad at the end of the day that I chose abortion because I would probably hate the baby too and possibly mistreat it.

I am still a child in my heart, a child who needs care and love. A child who needs to be healed.

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4 thoughts on “If I hadn’t had an abortion the baby would be due next week

  1. Thanks for sharing your story. Have you not ever thought that your own child would be in a vastly different category than a dog, a dog isn’t part of you whilst your child is, someone you would want to love and protect in the same way that we generally love and protect ourselves? I would be worried if someone loved a dog like a child!

    Sometimes the feelings follow our actions and not just the other way round (as many people assume), in fact we often learn to love others by treating others like we love them even if the feelings are not there yet.

    Without trying to be disrespectful, were you ever told about the possible psychological consequences of abortion? I just mean to say that there are often affects to many of our actions and this seems obviously relevant when choosing abortion. The fact you are even writing about it demonstrates it has had some psychological impact for instance.

    I won’t be offended if you don’t respond, I just think its sad that the psychological impact of abortion is often ignored by those who offer abortion services. Its easy for them to forget, less so for the mother who must live with the consequences of their actions.

    You say that you are incapable of love, but how will you know unless you open yourself up to the risk of loving another person?

    Not to be pedantic but you wrote that anyone of reproductive age can become pregnant but not everyone can become a parent, that’s simply not true, every pregnant women is already a parent which simply means to be a caretaker of ones offspring.

    Anyway, sorry for all the questions, but as I said thanks for writing, it can be a great way to wrestle with our thoughts.

    • Hi, and thank you so much for coming by and posing all these interesting and awesome questions! Really made me think 🙂 I think a lot of things can have a terribly deep and negative psychological effect on you, and there are in fact studies that say abortion is linked to mental illness, but unfortunately these women usually already have existing mental illnesses (like me) that maybe were not addressed at the time (like me). I absolutely believe the abortion had a traumatic effect on me, 100%! But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right thing to do. I really think it was 100% right thing to do!

      Having a child when a woman herself is not ready can perpetuate the cycle of abuse, depression, ill mental health, poverty, social problems. I firmly believe that the best thing we as rational humans can do for the planet (apart from protecting as best as possible and keeping it in the state that God created it. Reduce reuse recycle. Public transport. Vegetarian food. Blah blah) is to only procreate when they are in a monogamous forever-union with another person, and they themselves are emotionally ready.

      Anyway that is just me. Very interesting and intelligent conversation indeed…

  2. I recognise myself so much in what you say. Your honesty is breathtaking. But if you were not a profoundly caring person deep down you wouldn’t even comment about your fears. You did the right thing with the termination because you need to love and nurture yourself first. I have had therapy. I now know I would never hurt anyone and you will reach this point too. Peace and love to you x

    • Thank you so much for your kind and beautiful words. They bring a lot of peace to my heart and it brings me joy to know that I am not alone. Take very good care of yourself and thank you again for brightening up my day!

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