Is kind of the only thing on my mind right now. As the due date looms my mood keeps getting weirder – I keep thinking about how I would be ready to pop and become a mother, but then at the back of my head I know I made the right decision by aborting because I’m not ready to be a good parent.
I think that’s really what’s missing in the national and global abortion debate – whether women (and men who got them pregnant) are really ready to take good care of another human being.
Almost any female in the reproductive age can become pregnant, but parenting is a whole another thing.
I myself have a lot of anger issues, some of which I have started discussing in therapy. I told my therapist that I feel I would be capable of physical abuse, and that it scares the shit out of me. She said she thinks any human being is capable of both good and evil, but that we make choices on what we choose to let rule our behavior.
I think she’s right, but my hatred towards innocence and my extreme anger that results in lashing out is scary, and I don’t think I can ever actually look after anything.
We have a dog of course, and in the beginning I was really angry and annoyed all the time. When he pooped inside I got really frustrated and in my head I wanted to hit him, but never did because I abhor animal abuse, and know better than to punish an innocent animal who didn’t know what he was doing, but the extreme anger scares me.
I have also started a dog sitting side business (I do love dogs, I really do) as we fostered quite a few dogs for the local shelter and I realized I could make a bit of extra money on the side, and although I like it, I also hate it.
I hate needy creatures. I hate being bothered and having to do things on others’ schedules. Dogs fucking wake you up when they need to pee, they poop on the floor, they pull the leash, they jump on you and they can be really freaking annoying.
I just looked after a senior dog that was blind and deaf, plus he was incontinent too so he was in diapers. I hated him!! I have no love for innocent creatures, I just see stupidity and need and really hate it.
But, I never showed my anger. I changed diapers, took him for walks, cleaned him up, bandaged him bleeding old paws, nursed him to the best of my abilities. But I also hated it!
So, as a conclusion, I am not a caring person at all. I don’t think I am capable of love either. I’m just cold and I have a frozen heart, and I am glad at the end of the day that I chose abortion because I would probably hate the baby too and possibly mistreat it.
I am still a child in my heart, a child who needs care and love. A child who needs to be healed.