I’m Kind Of Okay

I cannot believe how long it’s been since I last blogged!!?

I have been meaning to post but life has gotten in the way. I started working, been going to therapy, looking for jobs, working on my relationship…

I don’t even know where to start?? Well, therapy, it’s going okay. I am not sure I like my therapist, but I think for what it is worth, she’d good, challenges me to think, she listens to me, and although we have no other agenda than “M, you really should start working” (this is a mantra all the staff repeat. I bet they get money from the government or something, for “rehabilitating” loonies and making them contributing members of the society).

I haven’t told them I work. One, I hate this job (a common theme in my life, perhaps? Jobs I hate), two, I feel that they’d kick me out of the program if their “goals” had been met, and three, I really want to work on myself and find out what I wanna do, and this job isn’t it, and so if I told them, they’d at least stop working with me as well, I think.

I really hate that work is all they care about. That no matter what you do, as long as you work, it’s good enough. I keep saying to my psychiatrist that work for me is depressing because if I’m not fulfilling my dreams, going to a mundane shitty job makes me more depressed, instead of helps me in life, but he doesn’t seem to listen.

He doesn’t listen anyway. The first time I met him he ordered me to take a pregnancy test despite my cries and pleas of not wanting to do it because it is really painful for me and hooks into the abortion and my pain, plus I am not even sleeping with my husband, so I couldn’t be preggo. Yet he refused to write my antidepressant prescription for me unless I did it. Fucker. I cried my way to the bathroom.

AND on top of that I found out that they had diagnosed me with Type II Bipolar, which would explain the Seroquel prescription (which I stopped taking). I am really upset about this because I think it’s a misdiagnosis – I definitely know I have mental illness or two, but I’m for sure not bipolar!

I hope they change their minds – I’m really pretty damn sure I have borderline as per diagnosis that came out in England.

Venlafaxine (Effexor) works really well. I feel much better mostly, but sleep is a problem, and although my anxiety has decreased like a motherfucker, I still have a lot of sleepless nights (like this one; my mind is racing and I can’t sleep and I keep thinking about everything that I’m supposed to be doing)

I am working part-time as an English Teacher. Yeah, random, right? I am upset about it because I am on a shitty independent contractor contract and I have no benefits and no rights and I feel like I’m being screwed, but I like the work in itself and enjoy the students, if only I wasn’t paid a meager tiny amount of dollars for all the hard work I do!!

So the job search continues. I honestly have no idea what I want to do!

My husband is depressed, too. And I honestly don’t know how to help him. We have kind of here and there gotten closer, and then drifted apart too, and have had a lot of issues and blah, but it is what it is and maybe one day I’ll post about it all.

So yeah, I’m still here, I’m alive, I have stopped self-harming completely, I don’t think about suicide as the option, and for the first time in my life I realistically have felt emotions like hope and excitement about the future, and the present too. I am trying to live in the moment and enjoy what life is giving me right now, and although my anger and hatred surface a lot, I try to..have fun.

Ehhhh it’s past 1am and I still am not gonna sleep. Time to update my resume??

Any job search advice from you all, especially if you’re borderline or bipolar or depressed or have any other mood or personality disorder where it’s hard to fit into the world and find out what you can and want to do for work????

Thanks in advance! LittleGirl x

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