I again cannot believe how long it’s been since I last blogged! Life just goes on, I guess….
I started going to the local mental health center after my release from the psych unit and they’re very adamant for me to work, so I’ve been looking for jobs but it’s hard. I even got turned down by Apple Store!!!!?! I have a Master’s Degree and B2B sales experience and they didn’t take me for a crappy retail job…….
I did find a job as an English Teacher; I started teaching ESL at a language school and it’s hard and super stressful, and we’ve had lots of conflicts and all kinds of stuff, but I guess at the end of the day some part time work and money coming in is better than nothing, even if it stresses the fuck out of me!
I kind of don’t want to work though because right now I can see my therapist for five dollars per session, but if I work, they raise it to 15% of weekly income as it all goes on a sliding scale, so in a way, the job isn’t worth the stress and also having to pay more for therapy.
I don’t know how I feel about my therapist. She is cool I guess, but it’s very CBT and she just pushes me to work and resolve life situations, whereas I myself would like to talk about the abuse and the rape and the abortion and my sexual issues and nightmares and wanting to die and wanting to run away every single day.
I also am really struggling with the effects of the abortion. I see pregnant people everywhere, I even teach a wannabe-immigrant lady who came to the US just to give birth so she’s about to pop…
Had a big public argument with my hubby one day (long story) and first he walked away and then I walked away and in the end I was left alone downtown and had to find my way home….I really was close to jumping off a bridge then, I can’t handle feelings of loneliness and severe depression.
I stopped taking the Seroquel after a few of you made very helpful comments. I am now on a larger dose of Effexor, but that’s it for now. I don’t wanna be zombied out!
Life goes on. I don’t think I have ever before in my life been this depressed, everything is a big black hole and blur and nothing gives me joy whatsoever and I just..get by, I guess. I don’t know if I want to get better either.
Think my husband is also depressed and we don’t really communicate that much but I’ve accepted the situation. In a way. It is what it is. I made this cake and now I have to eat it too.
Some days I just want to go back to the hospital and sit there amongst all the crazies and become a vegetable and die eventually.. I don’t really want to try live.