On Marriage and Relationships

This whole anniversary really got me thinking, and to be honest, I now feel closer to my husband than I ever have before.

And no, it has nothing to do with the fact that he got me a brand new MacBook Air for my anniversary gift! (While I only got him some Gucci aftershave…oops. But to be fair, at Christmas I gave him tons of stuff and he didn’t almost get me anything)

It has to do with the fact that I have really started opening up after the hospitalization – maybe seeing him take me so seriously that he’d not go to work but drag me around to the emergency room and pay shit ton for the care (turns out, we chose “out of network” hospital…womp womp. Like he was in any state to choose where to take his suicidal psychotic wife, but apparently in America you should always have time to call insurance companies to check which facility to use..).

Even today I really meant everything I said over the dinner, and it isn’t as hard for me anymore to look someone in the eye and tell them honestly how I feel.

He does take criticism and negative things well too which is good. I feel like I can tell him more honestly about how I feel than I have been able to tell anyone else that I’ve been in a relationship with.

I think it must be really tough to be in a relationship with a survivor of childhood sexual abuse – whether we are aware of it or not, the abuse will have scarred big parts of us for life, unless we work at healing ourselves.

I have a lot of survivor friends and every single one of them has struggled with relationships. I know everyone this day and age struggles (just watch a few episodes of Sex and the City and you’ll get my point), but what survivors have to deal with is something completely different.

Like for example, try telling your partner that you get really worked up about sex, you’re ashamed of your sexual side, and that pleasure feels like such huge embarrassing and shameful thing that you turn yourself off no matter how well things were going.

How would they feel? Shit, right? Imagine committing to a person who has real deep serious issues about sex and sexuality. Or commitment. Or identity. Or self-worth. Yup, not fun huh?

So I feel very very very lucky and blessed to have met M, and to have somehow convinced him to want to spend the rest of his life with me.

Of course he isn’t perfect. Like I’ve mentioned in a lot of posts, after the honeymoon period of our relationship, I really started missing my ex. Heck, the first time I made out with M and the first time I slept with him, I thought about my ex, felt like I had betrayed him, felt unsure about my choices, and felt like running back to him screaming “take me back”!!

I was with my ex-boyfriend for 3 years. We got together in a whim, spent days and nights together cuddling and having sex, and I very quickly fell for him. I was at a point in my life where I really needed someone to love me, and he was there. He might not have been the right one for me, but he was right there right then, said the right things, and I fell for him.

Three years of hiding my feelings. Three years of intense jealousy from his part, hiding my actions and feelings on my part from fear of making him angry. Three years of healing, too. Being with L was healing – he healed a lot of my sexual parts as he was very very very sweet, understanding, patient and loving.

Intense love making, arguments, lots of drama and feelings of being suffocated.

Going back and forth, breaking up a few times, getting back together, lots of crying and laughter and holidays to Africa and running around London together.

London for me reminds me of the intense relationship I had with L and it was really hard going back to visit in May.

I did choose to move on, and that means something. I could have gotten back together with L and not moved on. But I did.

I had always kind of liked M as we met through work (even though he was in a different office) and been friends for years. Then a work trip and drunken confession of feelings later, we spent a weekend together and I promised to come see him in Miami as I really, really liked him.

Yet I wasn’t sure he’d really really like me, so I went out, made out with guys and girls, kept seeing my ex on occasions when I felt lonely, and even right before I was due to go see M I got drunk at someone’s wedding and made out with a random douchey dude.

I sometimes make no sense!

I guess I just want to be loved and liked.

And then I came to Miami. And fell hard. HARD. We had an awesome time together and I knew I wanted to be with M, but he kept saying he wouldn’t want to do a long-distance relationship. It hurt a lot, feeling like he was willing to not be with me just because of the distance, but he had hid reasons.

Back and forth, me flying here, calls, emails, flirting, planning, confusion….I was in London, homeless and sleeping on a friend’s living room floor, missing this guy who gone from a friend to a lover.

And then a year ago I came back again. And he just went hey maybe we should get married. And we did. For me it was huge, but I think he took it rationally. We wanted to be together, yet me being European and him being American, we could never easily be in the same place at the same time, so we had to get married.

Over the candle-lit dinner tonight I asked him if he ever doubted our union, and he said never. I admire his determination and his rock-solid love and care for me.

I know he wasn’t over his ex when we got married – he’d been burned really badly, and so the both of us still had feelings for the past lovers when we decided to join each other in this marriage. And I don’t mind, I think it’s better if you admit you have a past.

We have a solid foundation for this union, we are committed to working together, we like spending time with each other, and I think we are becoming each other’s best friend.

I have never felt love and care like this before, and boy, does it feel good. Even now he’s snoring his life away next to me, and although I hate snoring, I kind of don’t mind, as I love him so deeply that it’s okay, it’s a part of him.

So yeah, relationships and marriage and commitment are hard, and a lot of us try do it with the wrong people. I am really lucky to have found the right one, and I really hope this inspires other people to seek their right relationships too!

LG xx



2 thoughts on “On Marriage and Relationships

  1. I can relate to the relationship stuff. It takes a good and patient partner to be with a survivor who is in pain bc of their past and or a survivor who is actively healing from the abuse. In the past I tended to project so much that my exes felt that they were bad just for wanting me intimately at times that weren’t “convenient” for me. They began to feel like jerks and almost as if they were like the perpetrators just bc of how I’d react to them complimenting me, touching me, wanting to be intimate, etc. I’ve healed so much but it’s still something I’m conscious of & sometimes hv to work on! I’ve learned that I’m not a bitch for saying no. Also that it’s in everyone’s best interest to tell your partner what is a trigger and or if you’re having a bad day.

    If you don’t hv it…A great book that I read a long time ago that’s actually for partners is called Allies In Healing. It’s kind of great to hv bc it tells your partner about all the ways survivors can be so they know that A. You’re not crazy/irrational/over dramatic and B. Tips for what they can do and it kind if tells them that their feelings matter too. I’m sure you can find it at a library or amazon. It’s a great book to have along with The Courage To Heal which also has a workbook which I always rec to survivors.

    Anyway! Keep healing bc you’re SO worth it. 🙂

    • Thank you so much for coming by and leaving such awesome feedback and for being so honest about your journey! I really appreciate knowing I’m not alone in my feelings and “craziness”. Yup, I know all about feeling like the partner is a perpetrator because they do something that you take as abuse and then your mind just wanders and suddenly you start hating the other person and they have no idea how you feel or why you feel the way you do!

      I am considering gently pushing the Courage to Heal to my husband and kind of .. forcing him to read it. Ha ha, forcing is not a good term, but I don’t think he’d think to educate himself about these issues without me prompting him to do so!

      Take good care of yourself and thank you again for your comment, it means a lot to me xx

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