Oh. My. God. A year has gone by!!
On the 11th of July in 2013, M and I walked to the court house in Miami Beach during his lunch break, and said our I Do’s in front of a heavily made up lady with three-inch fingernails.
We went to a Bistro on Washington Avenue, he had lunch, I was so exhilarated that I had two martinis and talked non-stop. I then walked him to his office, went to Walgreens to get cigarettes and a lighter, and drunkenly walked up and down Ocean Drive thinking wow, I’m married now, this is it for the rest of my life…
Two days later he flew out to Europe for his pre-planned annual vacation to meet friends and family (he used to live in Berlin, Germany and has family in London) and I stayed in the apartment on South Beach, thinking about our future together. I visited his parents a lot and told his mom we’d gotten married (he had told no one, just like me, before we did it).
His family were happy for us, and when I then flew back to London to quit my job and pack my stuff to move here, they wished me well and said they’d miss me. I really like his family – they have their issues too, but in general they’re very “with it”, no mad drama like what I had growing up.
They knew I was in the psych unit and the mom even wanted to come see me. I said no, I didn’t want her to see me there..It’s not a place for people who don’t understand or tolerate mental illness.
A year later and here we are. So much has obviously happened!
I moved to the US and we worked out my immigration process and I’m now a permanent resident with a social security number and everything, so pretty much feel more settled than I first did when I was 100% reliant on M for absolutely everything. I still rely on him to pay all the bills and stuff like that, drive us around because I don’t even have a licence….(I take the bus too though a lot!)
We got pregnant and I had an abortion. He was depressed due to his job and just quit and took a pay cut and is starting another role soon. We’re still stuck in his little studio on South Beach. We got a dog and I’ve learned to not only tolerate innocence and childishness, I have also learned to love him and his craziness.
We have learned to live with each other, I have learned a ton about him and I think he finally gets me a lot. We’ve gotten through my hospitalization and the realization that my mental illness is serious and I need help.
He’s been there for me this whole year, but it took me a long time to allow him to be there, and to trust him. I’m used to being independent, I rely on my own self, I don’t let people in, but I have had to realize I have to let him in.
I did miss my ex a lot during the first months of my marriage. I did comparisons, felt I’d made a mistake, worried about being left and being alone. I talked about it with friends and blogged about it too. I worked on my feelings, and learned to process my last relationship (which I had never done, I just broke up and “moved on” without really emotionally having moved on, which I didn’t realize until I made this huge new commitment).
As we celebrate our first year together I sit back in awe of also the process of healing and growth I’ve gone through since that day we looked each other in the eye and promised to love each other in sickness and in health.
I’ve learned to commit, love someone in all of their entirety whether or not I tolerate all parts of them. I’ve learned to be more tolerant, I’ve learned to share and communicate, and I have learned to trust another human being.
For me this is huge. I feel blessed that regardless of where I come from and all the fucked up things that have happened to me, I am able to be right here right now, knowing that I’ll spend the rest of my life with this special person.
Have a beautiful weekend!