I had all the intentions in the world to blog about my weekend on the psych unit which really changed my world in so many ways, but yet again, my depression decided to stop me from doing things and I’ve been in bed a lot.
I think my whole life I’ve underestimated the damage and the scope of my depression. I hide it really well, too. No one could see that underneath the smiling and laughing mask that I wear every day is a very anxious, hopeless, overwhelmed little being.
Only when I got out of the mental hospital have I realized how far I’ve gone.
Everything has been incredibly difficult, the first day, my husband didn’t even let me use my phone or look at a computer because social media, news, emails and all this shit makes me really anxious, jittery, hopeless and overwhelmed.
I’ve now come back to it obviously, and have to make real changes in my life. Facebook, gone. I deleted my profile before I went into the hospital – in my moments of madness I deleted everything, blocked people on my phone, cut my hair, and all that craziness.
Despite the doctor putting me back on antidepressants (I asked for a different one this time, I hate Citalopram from the bottom of my heart!) I have had bouts of deep overwhelming depression.
It makes me stop and wonder if life is worth it? I am so tired of this shit; I’m tired of my moods, my emotional ups and downs, I have literally in my lifetime wasted hours days weeks and months without being able to function and this is just not life…
Anyway. I’m fucking tired of depression. I don’t know if I ever get better – kind of like how my survivor friend T put it: “you’re never done with healing”, so maybe you’re never “done” with depression either?
Meds hide it, make you function, temporarily feel better. Your system gets used to the dose and when you try come off, you might be worse off than you were before you got started because your brain craves those chemicals it suddenly isn’t getting.
I still hate antidepressants and I’m pissed off I’m on them again. This is really not how I wanna live life….