It’s past 1.30 am and I cant sleep.
Two days now I’ve been fantasizing about killing myself, the thoughts are real while my body feels numb.
What started off as research on how much citalopram (Celexa) I’d have to take to die (also have a 24h Walgreens two blocks away for OTC drugs that would interact), I suddenly bumped into articles on how withdrawing from this SSRI can increase suicidal thoughts….!
There was a major trigger to my crisis, but somehow it feels like a relief that maybe it is chemical how I feel?
Is this really me, or is it the antidepressant trying to end my life?
How sad, that in 7 years I never really hardly ever felt it was helping me (sometimes maybe, but I also expected to feel better) and now that I am trying to stop, I feel worse?! What other medication does this shit to you??
I think antidepressants are evil. Especially if they are the reason for me falling into this bottomless pit of despair and gruesome thoughts.
I have gotten help. A good survivor friend read last post and ill and in bed, she still connected and listened to me via texts. Another survivor friend here has reasoned with me and been honest and truthful and real with me.
I don’t know what I would do without these people. I cannot talk to my husband; he has no idea what’s going on and I never plan on telling. i am just not the honest talking type! I can be honest here, and to a select few survivors or people who have had mental health challenges who just..get me.
I did tell my husband I was leaving. i asked him if he wanted me to leave. He has no idea how my mind operates.
Since I am probably not killing myself after all, I think I need to leave..for a while..go somewhere to be alone. Not sure where, have no energy to get out of bed – I do go get snacks and it seemed like a great idea a few hours ago to cut my hair so I chopped it in the bathroom but failed and now it’s horrible.
Thought about shaving my head but I know I would regret it so much.
Really addicted to nicotine and these e-cigarettes. Never smoked a lot a lot, but since switching I am constantly puffing away. Aaaand now I am running out of the cartridges that I keep ordering from England, and Im getting anxious.
I have realized I will never be happy. No matter where I am, who I’m with, I will never not get depressed and occasionally for days plot suicide.
Is this life worth it? Who knows.
Might try sleep soon. Tired. Too much on my mind.