I don’t know what to say or explain myself but something happened yesterday that hit me like a bullet and drove me off the edge.
Withdrawal from people, lying about being okay, cutting in secret, plotting suicide and googling overdose methods, listening to sad music, crying in secret, out of body feelings, numbness and hopelessness. Utter despair. Lack of energy or motivation to live.
Walked out of the apartment, called people, no one answered right then, walked around aimlessly, drank a bottle of wine, lots of sad music. Had a dinner party to go to so i pulled on the mask and ran with it.
Liberating to pretend I’m okay. Makes me feel powerful. Like wow, no one knows how i feel! I’m invincible lone warrior.
I wanna run away. Googling bus schedules. Orlando, Atlanta, New Orleans. If only i had energy!
Some more cutting, feeling of wanting to deny myself food and punch my face and kill myself and punch someone else too in the process because I’m so goddamn angry.
Loneliness. Withdrawing to the end of my soul where the little girl sleeps, leaving this world behind.
I’m here, but I’m not here. I’m deep within my existence, swimming in the depths of my despair.
Here, I’m in my element. I’m home. I am walking on familiar terrain and i feed off of the utter hopelessness and the black hole in my soul.
I’m worthless in this world, but in my inner world i matter, and i quietly talk to my little girl about what she wants. If she is tired of trying then so am i.