I am finally in a place emotionally where I can go through my inbox and read old emails from my ex, and then hopefully delete stuff and keep the things I want to keep.
I kept putting this off for the longest time (almost a year!) because I still had feelings for him, and I was afraid it would affect my current relationship, or make me want to reach out to my ex, or something like that.
Here’s some emails that he sent me after we broke up in January 2013. Not in Chronological order…Just emails back and forth.
“Not sure ill continue with this after emails today.. But clearing out drafts and what you should know.
sorry what has happen to you, I wish I could take away all the bad things that has happen. While we together you referred to yourself as damaged once I never saw that. I saw a beautiful, smart, strong female. I never said this but I’m so proud of you, you have been through a hell of a lot which no deserves to go through and your still standing. My cousin/family friend got pregnant by her uncle at 12/13 and her life went downhill becoming an alcoholic and addicted to drugs. You have a job,your own business, tons of friends, blogs, travel the world, speak many languages and is so beautiful after everything, you have done more than any chick that hasn’t been through what you have been and that’s why I’m so proud.
You might have done some crazy things but who hasn’t? Anyone who says otherwise is a liar.
I wish I can been there to see you grow with therapy I didn’t want know what’s going on there or anything like that I just wanted to be by yours side as you went through this. Just to be a supporting partner.
I even started reading that book you gave me again and another one just before Christmas so we would be closer and I could understand a few things.
I know you must be going through a lot and want to be alone to help deal with what’s going on but I wanted to wait and be there if you needed me. If was a shoulder to cry on, a ear to listen or just a body to punch I would have done it because I want to be there.
From what happen to you as a child I did want to know but was always to scared to ask. Didn’t want to upset you, didn’t want to bring back painful memory’s unless you wanted too. I still don’t unless you wanted me 2.”
I then replied:
“This is really hard for me to read and I’m kind of crying here, but I was already crying in therapy today and continued crying on the bus so it’s no biggie. I don’t even care. I just wanna get the 4pm interview with Sean done and then I can breathe….Probably gonna call in sick tomorrow and Friday as I just cannot function on any level, this is really hard for me.
I think ever since we broke up I stopped talking about our issues in therapy and started talking about my deep feelings…It’s also because I know therapy is ending and I came to a realization I have to take advantage of the last 20 sessions as much as possible before it all ends and I’m back to square one again….
Thank you for the kind words and for saying I’m strong. I sometimes feel strong and sometimes I feel so fucking weak – I compare myself to my friends and people around me who have good jobs and are with it in life and all that and I feel so fucking shit for being in a shit job and hating every moment of my life, fucking everything up on a regular basis and just not being happy at all……
But it is what it is. This is the life I was given. No way around it.
Sigh……I am so confused and upset and broken that I don’t even know what to do with myself, I wish I could just wrap myself in a duvet and never get up.
Thank you for all your kind words and love and care and support. It is very invaluable and it’s just upsetting you don’t see the real me, the horrible bitchy selfish bitch I really am…..”
He then answered:
“Your telling me for 2 years you was hiding your true self? That you really are a bitch? Well all I got to say to that is I don’t care. I love you still the same way, still want you to be wife and pray that things would change.
I didn’t mean to make you cry, I’ve been crying for 30 days everywhere I go, work, out, bus,train etc so didn’t want you to aswell.
I’m emailing after 4 so it doesn’t mess up with your interview hope that goes well.
I’m sorry our issues crept into your therapy but I would never give you an issue to talk about again if I had that once chance.
I was told to leave you alone so I will, just don’t what will happen when I do. They say if you love someone let them go but I can’t I never got to reach my dream with you so I can’t just let you go. I wanted a family, babies house you name it i wanted it and I can’t just sit here and see it disappear up in smoke.
You should proud and amaze of what you have achieved and fuck everyone else and what they have, they never went through what you went through, they are not going through therapy now because of it.
I wish I could wrap myself around you with that blanket.”
And another email after some back and forth:
“Are you serious, remember you. I would give my life for you. I can’t get you out of my head. Feels like the only you will be out of my head is by me falling into a coma or dying. Two nights I popped into your head?
You shouldn’t even care if I think about you or not though.
So I got two great nights of hope just a tiny percent that you still care and love me, that you would say let’s take it slow on my pace but now I have come crashing down to reality.
That’s what I thought about the gifts but that shows you have a heart and not a bad person you think you are. I will have to return them becuse of the way I feel. I can’t even finish the book becuse there is a love story in it.
Despite what you say about yourself or how you feel I still want to be with you.
You haven’t even given me a reason why we couldn’t take it slow.. Like I maybe only see/ talk to you on the weekend and give you the week free to deal with therapy.”
This is how it continued for a few months. Emails. Meeting up. Lots of crying and lots of drama….And then one day when I was in the US last May for my best friend’s wedding, I drunkenly kissed someone (I’d made out with a few guys already before that though haha, one of them being my now-husband) and was like no, I can’t be in touch with L, my ex anymore.
God, reading these emails HURTS so bad! He REALLY loved me. Might post some more as I clean up my inbox…