Since I’m cleaning up my inbox I might as well post stuff here, helps me let it out. Yes, a year and four months have passed from these emails in January 2013, but this is the first time I’m getting to them…
This is from me:
“Right, I guess I will send the email today then since you called and I’m working from home so it’s easier for me to type it all up…
I got so many thoughts from your chocolate box yesterday – been eating a lot of it so getting fat now – especially the card attached….It said you’d do anything for me which is really sweet but I feel like you’re just saying that without understanding what saying it really means….
Like, I’d want you to pursue your own life first and foremost – not be selfish like me of course because that’s an ugly trait, but I really had wanted you to be a strong independent confident man in your own right, and for us to form a healthy relationship as two independent people….It is appealing to me to know that someone is passionate about something and excited and has goals and aspirations because that is important to me and I don’t want to stagnate, so I wouldn’t want my partner to settle or stagnate either.
Also, you knew how important things like a house, a baby, traveling, vacations, career and things like that were to me but I never got a feeling that you would want to work towards that. The whole three years we were together I never heard you say what your goals were in life or what you wanted to do for a career – you were too nice to me, but you forgot your own needs..I wanted to see you grow and if you meant you’d do anything for me, you would have improved your own life to offer an ambitious person to me….
Yet I’d never want that on my conscience, that you’d done something just for me and then ended up hating me afterwards because I made you do it…If you’re happy and satisfied in life then that is all I want!!! That is good enough, I’m happy when you’re happy, I just am not sure I’d want to let go of my dreams…I want to move out of here, move in together and have a baby but I am not sure you would have been ready for that financially and you probably would have said yes just to make me happy but then ended up resenting me for making you settle for my dreams instead of doing what you want to do…….
So you shouldn’t have said you’d do anything for me because I don’t want you to do just that, I just would have wanted you to be a healthy happy whole human being because I’m so broken and dysfunctional…And I think you knew what I wanted you to do – study or get on a career ladder or train or something – but it didn’t fit your ideas of life so you didn’t really want to do what I wanted you to do…
You are so so so wonderful in many ways and often I felt like I didn’t deserve you – the care, the love, the commitment and everything like that that you had towards me is unbelievable and I have loved loved loved having you in my life….I REALLY did want it to work out, and even when my messed up mind would play up against you I fought it because I know you are a good man – one in a million. You have tons of amazing qualities to you and don’t you ever forget that! I do think you are depressed and have low self-esteem and get irrationally jealous, but my stupidity and my shit and my issues probably didn’t make it any easier for you to function in this relationship….
I miss you making love to me, I miss waking up next to you in the mornings, I miss the good times, the chilled out chats, the times when I was able to cry on your shoulder and you comforted me and loved me and respected me and gave me the emotional support I needed. I am so very alone now, but I just had to be totally honest about everything that’s going on in my head, and I understand if you hate me. I already hate myself so it’s all good.”
“You said it wouldn’t be bad we’ll I can tell you it isn’t good.
I do know what I meant by what I said. You can’t tell me how I feel or what I mean when I say things. If I didn’t mean I would just said sorry I wish I could do something to fix it.
Your right I am starting to hate you but it’s hurts even more because I love you.
Of course I wanted a house a baby and family yes I know I don’t have the Financial means now but I will do soon.
I am getting on with my life already because I know now I won’t be having a holiday this year won’t be need to spend money on valentines day and birthdays etc
You keep saying I would end up resenting you but that’s not me that’s you!!
I always wanted to have a family, house and be dad but now that dream has died for me.
Your the one who said you can’t move out etc you like your room.
The thing with me is I’m easy like Sunday morning I’d like to go vist the states, st Vincent and Jamaica and some othe places but I’m not going to stress about it.
Yes I like holidays like the next person but they are holidays.
Like I’ve been saying the last few days there is really no point me saying anything because you have already made up your mind but I will say this, I can’t be happy now, will never love again with just be bitter and end up using women or something.
You say your past is the reason why you do things etc well now this will change me and made me different.”
I then sent him another email in reply:
“Well you are obviously the one who decides how you let things affect you. You can either wallow or you can become a better person to show this bitch what she’s missing. Up to you.
Yes, my past has made me who I am big time, and only now that my therapy is ending have I realized how messed up I am and how much I actually need help but this is the end of the road for me and the NHS. Ain’t that a bitch.
I have never been able to talk about these things because you have said I already make you feel like you’re not a man, so to criticize you and your decisions is very hard and I don’t do that, I don’t wanna hurt you. It just got too much that over the years I started worrying you were never gonna wanna go anywhere further in life and again, if you’re happy, that is fine, that’s you, I’m happy for you for reaching your goals, but I want so much more from my life than this shitty little apartment and my shitty job. I want the world…..I probably won’t get it and be miserable for the rest of my life, but at least I won’t make you miserable because of my bitching. One good thing to come out of it all.
I don’t want it on my conscience to make you feel like you’re never good enough, like you have said many times. You ARE good enough, you are a fabulous man, but we just have such differing values and views and goals in life – how could it ever have worked? I really wanted it to, I REALLY did, I tried to become what you wanted me to be to an extent that I was okay with, but I also feel like I would have never ever been good enough for you.
My unfaithfulness that you never forgave, my friendships that you didn’t like or understand, my values that didn’t fit with yours…my inability to always be the dream woman in bed…I kept on trying to brush things aside but there is only so long a woman can take that!
To always have to turn my phone on silent so that no one would call and you’d wonder who it is, to say something innocent and you turn it into a big thing so I never know what I can tell you or what I can’t….
I wanted it to work and I just wish that we had communicated – or that I had communicated – my thoughts all along but I’ve been scared of rejection and you getting angry and I just hid it all in my soul. I just wanted love, care, a partner, to grow and develop together, to see the world, to excite one another and make love and have a baby and buy a flat and move abroad and I thought you were the One for me until we really started arguing all the time and I am just so so so tired of drama and anger and sadness and secrets and I don’t like upsetting you or making you angry, I’m scared of your reactions and I wish from the bottom of my heart that it had worked out but mistakes were made and you will move on and find the woman of your dreams who gives you everything you need and I’ll be the one left on the bench crying my eyes out.”
To which he replied:
“There won’t be no showing this bitch anything because you won’t know, talk or see me.
It’s not wallowing if just don’t want to get hurt again why would I want to put myself through this for a third time?
Why I give my heart soul and everything into someone who is just going to fuck me over?
You say I would find my dream woman that was you otherwise I wouldn’t have thought about marrying you.
Ramona asked me if I thought you was the one when I told about me proposing I knew 100% in my heart that you was. How badly was I wrong.
And yeah I thought about all those things you said but I wouldn’t care as long as I had you back.
If you had asked me what i would have wanted drunk M turning up on my doorstep or no M I know which one I would have choosen.
Heck you didn’t think I knew if we was married and living together you would go out and come back drunk? Go to gay clubs? Get more tattoos? I knew all this but the only thing I could think of was you get to come back home to me.
I waited in the shower with you because I messed up and that was a way of showing you I’ve changed, I knew just saying I trust you wouldn’t mean much.
With time and age things change little things don’t matter anymore? Why would you need to turn your phone on silent if you say these people are friends?
I forgave you for that but I didn’t understand why you kept entertaining her? With no respect for how I would feel.
You was my dream woman in bed why did I always have a boner with you, why did I seem always come quick. Why was it everytime I saw you naked I got turned on?
The only thing I said was I didn’t think you wanted or enjoyed having sex with me because im a man and it always seem liked I was doing something wrong.
It’s funny you say you didn’t want to criticise me becuse you didn’t want to hurt but thinking breaking up wouldn’t crush me?
I don’t even understand why you didn’t just have one big talk with me instead other of just doing this but it’s too late for that so boy..
Don’t give me the you will be crying alone on bench because your hardly ever alone. Secondly your the one who ended it so your feelings will die down way before mine speaking from experiences. I didnt have a choice not even a chance just told something and expect to be just fine with it.
So what secrets did you have?”
I then replied:
“Nothing just my feelings and how I thought about things. My resentment towards certain things. Emotions. How I really felt deep down about things.
I am hurting so badly you obviously misjudged me if you thought I wouldn’t hurt. I know I should have just talked to you but I was so afraid so I let it all build up.
They are friends, but people call me at random times, or text me, or something, and I got all funny about it because I knew what you would think. You say I’m flirty, I guess Im flirty more than I’m mean because I don’t like people disliking me, and this is something I am struggling with because I don’t wanna be that kind of girl, but I since I wasn’t
I don’t wanna get drunk all the time, on Friday I went out with the office and it was a big mistake, I got so drunk I’m lucky to be alive. You live and you learn. Guess I had to see what it was like to have no control but anyway this is not about that, I do things I enjoy doing, but I always felt like I had to justify my actions to you and that you would disapprove, and it just got too much to always have to explain myself. Imagine how you would have felt if once a week I’d say get a better job get a better job, you would get tired right?!
I think you should just go out with someone I’m sure you can get a hard on with any naked woman I’m nothing special, but for the record, I wanted to be with a man and I was happy to be growing and evolving and learning to love a man and even though intimacy was scary and I made mistakes by pretending or spacing out, I still wanted to try and was attracted to you and got turned out and enjoyed the sex and the fucking and I am sorry I took control too many times I should have let you act more like a man. That is my problem, I say I want manly man but then I didn’t even let you be that in bed. I feel so horrible and low and all these things but of course it’s no concern of yours now.”
And again he replied:
“Well it’s hard for me to believe because your the one who has done it.
You feel horrible and low, If you felt like the way I am feeling you wouldnt want to be alive.
No I wouldn’t if you had said that to me would have thought your just looking out for me. Yes there would be some pressure but doesn’t mean that I would get tired. The things is you didn’t even try.
You keep saying I should go out with someone or find my dream woman is that what you want? You know how hard that is for me, the person you wanted to be with more than anything keeps telling you to find your dream woman when you know in your heart your talking to her.
It’s not just a naked thing it’s you! Everything about you!
And over the last few months I didn’t even care when you went out as long as you was safe. You went out with the Olympic chicks and I didn’t say anything and went and got you your shoes the next day.
The reason you never got jealous with me because I didn’t want to give you a reason to be, but if I was getting phone calls at midnight with girls and was flirty I’m pretty sure you will feel a little uncomfortable it’s only human nature.
Like I said if knew all this would stop all that because you was not worth losing over that. I was already in the process of getting help with depression because it was problem for us.
Anyway doesn’t matter now.. Bye “
It then went on for a little bit. Again, lots of emails back and forth. It does hurt me to read them, and this whole thing makes me miss him – he was a HUGE part of my life for 3 YEARS! My everything. And then. I dunno, I just, it was enough and I didn’t wanna deal with his shit as I had my shit to deal with.