WordPress was kind enough to announce to me that I’ve now been blogging here for 4 years!
Gosh. I can’t even remember where I was emotionally 4 years ago. Must have been April 2010…I’d just met my ex-boyfriend, and would soon start my super-stressful job at a software company in sales (from where they’d “fire” me and forcefully move me to another department, mainly I think because of my self-esteem issues and depression).
A LOT has happened in the last 4 years!!
– I was in a 3-year relationship.
– Slept with a few girls along the way. Last one was right before I got into my current relationship, it sealed the deal that I was ready to commit in the long term as it just didn’t feel right. When I was in my long relationship, right at the beginning I cheated on him by kissing my ex-girlfriend, and then had to deal with this for the whole 3 years.
– I have traveled to Vegas and Cancun (for work conferences), Uganda and Gambia (with the ex), Finland (visit family), the US, Barbados (visit friends)…
– I got out of a 3-year relationship. Kept sleeping with him for a few months in my state of loneliness and despair and inability to decide who I wanted to be with and whether the was The One after all, and whether we could heal the relationship.
– I moved three times within London, and once abroad (to the US).
– I saw 5 different therapists!!! (OMG). First was my long-term therapist at the nonprofit in London that works with survivors, then she got really sick and my therapy came to an abrupt end.
I then went to see my regular doctor who sent me to CBT for 12 sessions, she then referred me to the mental health services, I went to a Borderline group for 12 more sessions, was discharged from the Borderline program for not being severe enough and basically, functioning. Then I started seeing a student psychoanalytic psychiatrist whom I saw three times a week for 18 months through the National Health Service (NHS). Then that came to an end and I was fucking distraught!
And then I moved to Miami, and saw someone that I found through my insurance company for 5 times and it was a fucking joke and I quit.
– I’ve healed, regressed, done some more healing, met people along the way (other survivors I mean), become friends, done healing together, and lost some of these new friends too.
– I’ve blogged and blogged and blogged and sometimes when I’ve really wanted to, I haven’t been able to. Lack of energy?
– I’ve had one abortion, lots of meaningless sex with people I’ve been in relationships, suffered immensely in the area of intimacy, but I’ve carried on. Maybe one day I’ll be happy??
– I went to court twice for a housing case as my previous landlord tried to evict us 4 living in a shared house, I was bullied by these housemates, I have slept on someone’s living room floor for 3 months, shared a cupboard-sized room with my ex for 4 months, I lived in a house with mold and mice for a few years and just recently have felt that I’m getting settled…
Gosh, a lot. 4 years is a long time, but I can definitely still relate to the person I was in April 2010! She was younger, more inexperienced, naive maybe, depressed and hopeless a lot, but strong and ambitious at the same time. Confused. Definitely confused.
I don’t want to be confused anymore, I think I really want to live a meaningful life. Yeah, for sure. I just hope I’m in the right place for me to be able to achieve that.