I think that when I realized I was pregnant, I was so full of emotions that it felt easy to just lay it all out there for everyone to see, I was angry and upset and sad and a bit happy too and I felt necessary to let the whole world know about it…
My day of the ob-gyn visit came, I still didn’t know what to do, I made my way down to the hospital with my husband and even in the waiting room was like, what the fuck will I do?
It was eerie to sit there, in silence, with other people around, there for the same reason.
I filled my paperwork and they asked me to pay my deductible and I still said I wasn’t sure, and could I just have a consultation and then see what I wanted to do instead of just pay for the abortion. They said that’s fine.
I saw a nurse who later turned out to be a strongly religious person, but at the time of her checking my vitals she asked why I was there, and I said for a possible termination, and she asked: “something wrong with the baby?” I said no, I’m just not ready. She looked at me sideways.
I saw a doctor, and I asked could my husband come in. She said sure, but first they need to talk to me alone. She asked would I keep the baby if it turned out my antidepressants were okay to take, and I said no…I don’t think so. And that’s when I knew I was gonna do it, I just did not want to have a baby or be a mother.
The male doctor came in and he talked to me and was so supportive and said hey, you don’t have to decide anything today, you can go home, come back if you want, whatever. I didn’t think I’d like a male doctor but he was superb, really knowledgeable and a funny guy!
I asked if I could ever have a child again, and he said that is the number one question women ask. He was like, it’s not that women don’t want to have babies, or that they go oh hey, next year I think I’ll have an abortion done, but it’s about when it’s the right time for the woman. That really helped me push my fears aside – I knew that I’d made the right decision, I am not ready yet.
They said I could have surgery, or do the medical thing where they basically induce a miscarriage, but as you end up aborting at home and you bleed for forever, I said I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible….
And then they said okay, now, let’s talk about contraception.
The doctor presented an IUD and said they could insert it then and there after the operation, which is when I felt pressurized, and I broke down crying and sobbed and went on about how I’d been abused as a child and I wasn’t good at intimacy and that we never had sex anyway and that I wouldn’t even wanna get intimate ever again and how this was a mistake and how I didn’t even wanna be there in the first place, and that I felt even the termination was going to be invasive for me, and they were quiet for a bit.
The doctor said okay, I think we’re gonna put you under, and I was like what?? He was like, after hearing your history I don’t think you’ll be able to handle it and it’s better I’m asleep. I said no. He then offered Xanax or sedatives, and I said no again. I said I’d get anxious and I hate not being in control, and said can I just get some pain killers?
They brought M in and the doctor explained to him what was gonna happen, and he sat there quietly. I think he thought I was gonna change my mind and we were gonna keep the baby and the reality of it hit him. He was taken away, and nurse came in with a painkiller and antibiotics.
I went to the operation room, got naked waist down and sat down. Started feeling sick. Puke came out and I rushed to the sink. I’d had nothing in my stomach so I gagged bile out. Felt better, sat down, ten minutes later no doctor no nurse, and I puked again.
Only then I walked out the room and saw a nurse and said I’m puking what’s going on. She scolded me for not telling her straight away (but I am like that, I don’t wanna bother people, I thought it was just gonna be okay…) and they gave me a shot in my butt to stop me from puking.
The doctors came in, prepped me, and stuck something in my vagina. Then they started numbing the cervix, and he said people have a common side effect of having ringing in their ears. I said no, I’m good, but ten seconds later….my ears started ringing like church bells, real loud, I felt like my head was floating in space, I got panicky and said omg am I gonna die, and they said no, you’re fine.
I think I was hallucinating a bit, it hurt real bad and felt like they were pulling my intestines out. It was over in minutes, and I remember them talking about it and the nurse holding my hand and saying I was doing great, and I’m just there floating in space in pain…
After it was over the two doctors went out and the nurse stayed to clean it up and we chatted a bit. Turns out, she is very religious and she said she’d been fired twice before for refusing to do abortions…! I kept thinking, well, why don’t you work somewhere else then??
But she was nice. I’m Christian and have morals and values and I’m vegetarian and I’m against meat and murdering animals so I kind of get it that people have values, so I appreciate her being honest with me! She was really nice. I asked her what church she goes to and she gave me the name and her number too and said I should call anytime; she made it really personal and I really appreciate her being there!
The doctors came back and told me what to do for aftercare and I said wait, Dr, you’re an Ob-Gyn too right? He’s like yeah..And I said I really liked him, and that when we’re ready to have a baby, could he be my Ob, and he said he’d love to deliver my baby when I’m ready. I hugged him and the other doctor and cried and cried, put my clothes on, paid my bill and walked out.
And now I’m sitting at home with my electronic cigarette, ice cream in a bowl, crampy but…relieved I guess. I don’t feel bad, I thought I’d regret it! But I don’t! I’m SO happy I live in a country where women have a CHOICE over when to have a child, and I feel fortunate to be strong enough to not succumb to peer pressure, that I am ready to walk my own path.
I feel like this will make me a stronger person. I hope our relationship will continue to grow – I have finally started talking to M about deeper feelings that I have (like sex and stuff) and I just hope we can work on this relationship.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I have survived abuse, rape, domestic violence, bullying…low self-esteem, an eating disorder, all kinds of illnesses. And now I survived this and I pray to God I will continue getting stronger.
I want to one day perhaps maybe possibly have a child, but only when I am healed to a degree where taking care of myself isn’t a too big of a task (sometimes it is), where I know I won’t pass on the shit from my generation onward, where I won’t be yet another statistic of an abused mother who fails to bond with their child or abuses them.
I am proud I think. I’m proud that I have chosen to heal, that I am actively choosing to yearn for a better life for myself. Call me selfish, I do not care. I think there is nothing wrong with wanting a good life for your own self!
We only get one shot at this, one time on this planet, why not strive for happiness, why not try live well respecting others, the environment, the Earth that God gave us??
Again, I cannot believe I actually wrote something this personal. But it had to be done. If this helps one woman to feel less guilty about wanting to live a life for their own sake, then it’s all worth it. And if this helps someone understand why having laws that allow women to choose WHEN to have a child, again, then it was allllll worth it.
Back to ice cream. And tea. And my doggie, he’s a good boy, sitting on my lap the whole time, staring at me while I type. He’s my baby for now.