Blogging has been on my mind a lot but I haven’t had time, or actually energy, to sit down and write.
My life is .. a chaos right now. I have the termination booked for next Monday, but I’m still 50/50 on it. No idea what to do?!
I do think that since my relationship with my husband and the father of the fetus is not perfect, it would be unfair to bring it into the world. I know myself, and I know how I always run away instead of face confrontation, and so I definitely do not wanna end up a single mother and hence if this baby was born, they’d either grow up with us having to stay together because of the baby which would make someone miserable, or they’d grow up with just me, running around the world, not having any stability at all.
History repeats itself. I really believe this. My father was aggressive and was prone to violent outbursts, and I have unfortunately witnessed that in my brother who has kicked his son in front of me, and once pushed him so he fell. And I only go to Finland once a year so imagine what he’s doing while I’m not watching?!
I’d much rather adopt one day. There are tons of children in the system who come from horrid places, who just need love and guidance, and I feel that they should be a priority, not women who have a choice to not reproduce, reproducing even more just because they want to spread their own DNA!
I wanna be free….But a part of me feels guilty because so many women can’t have children yet I got knocked up with one try!
We haven’t spoken in a few days now with M. I go home and give him the silent treatment, and he has no idea why. I know why – I explicitly one evening asked if we could talk, but he said he was busy watching a movie, and then he came to bed and turned to his side and went to sleep!
Meanwhile I stayed up, so pissed off I couldn’t sleep, and I just feel miserable and I’m really starting to resent him for everything and it’s turning into hate, and I can’t stand hate, so I just shut up, and haven’t talked to him since.
He’s not really even trying to talk to me. Right now I just feel so fed up with everything that I wanna go and abort this stupid piece of shit out of me, and leave. Fuck this, and fuck everything. Clearly I can’t handle relationships??
Uuuughh. So much on my mind.
I also finally started working and it’s been really tough, going from not doing anything to working full time. It’s not what I really wanna do, I’m tired of just being someone and doing something and then going home. I really thought my life would be .. more exciting!
So Monday it is. I hope it doesn’t hurt! Although I have done research and talked to friends who’ve done it, and they say it hurts, so….oh well, I like pain to a certain degree, maybe it’ll serve as self-harm? I like to be punished for things I’ve done wrong.