Decisions Decisions

Blogging has been on my mind a lot but I haven’t had time, or actually energy, to sit down and write.

My life is .. a chaos right now. I have the termination booked for next Monday, but I’m still 50/50 on it. No idea what to do?!

I do think that since my relationship with my husband and the father of the fetus is not perfect, it would be unfair to bring it into the world. I know myself, and I know how I always run away instead of face confrontation, and so I definitely do not wanna end up a single mother and hence if this baby was born, they’d either grow up with us having to stay together because of the baby which would make someone miserable, or they’d grow up with just me, running around the world, not having any stability at all.

History repeats itself. I really believe this. My father was aggressive and was prone to violent outbursts, and I have unfortunately witnessed that in my brother who has kicked his son in front of me, and once pushed him so he fell. And I only go to Finland once a year so imagine what he’s doing while I’m not watching?!

I’d much rather adopt one day. There are tons of children in the system who come from horrid places, who just need love and guidance, and I feel that they should be a priority, not women who have a choice to not reproduce, reproducing even more just because they want to spread their own DNA!

I wanna be free….But a part of me feels guilty because so many women can’t have children yet I got knocked up with one try!

We haven’t spoken in a few days now with M. I go home and give him the silent treatment, and he has no idea why. I know why – I explicitly one evening asked if we could talk, but he said he was busy watching a movie, and then he came to bed and turned to his side and went to sleep!

Meanwhile I stayed up, so pissed off I couldn’t sleep, and I just feel miserable and I’m really starting to resent him for everything and it’s turning into hate, and I can’t stand hate, so I just shut up, and haven’t talked to him since.

He’s not really even trying to talk to me. Right now I just feel so fed up with everything that I wanna go and abort this stupid piece of shit out of me, and leave. Fuck this, and fuck everything. Clearly I can’t handle relationships??

Uuuughh. So much on my mind.

I also finally started working and it’s been really tough, going from not doing anything to working full time. It’s not what I really wanna do, I’m tired of just being someone and doing something and then going home. I really thought my life would be .. more exciting!

So Monday it is. I hope it doesn’t hurt! Although I have done research and talked to friends who’ve done it, and they say it hurts, so….oh well, I like pain to a certain degree, maybe it’ll serve as self-harm? I like to be punished for things I’ve done wrong.

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5 thoughts on “Decisions Decisions

  1. Holy crap I apparently missed a post!! I just now read that you are pregnant! Wow, my friend…very tough times ahead…I’m so sad for you. I had an abortion when I was a young teen and it never quite settled with me…I still think about that baby and wonder who she might have turned out to be. She’d be nearing her 20’s now had I given her life.

    That said, I was not even remotely ready to be a mom or take care of a child…I was barely surviving myself. I don’t regret what I did but I’m still sad that it happened at all.

    You do what you feel is best and don’t worry about what people tell you. It’s going to create issues in your relationship (it already has, I can see in your words) but you still have to do what is best for you.

    If you’re not ready to be a mom, don’t risk it. There are no guarantees. What if you decided to have the baby for your husband and he/she turned out to be disabled like my son? Let me tell you, it is not easy and requires 100% commitment. I have to provide for my boy because he can’t provide for himself but my entire life is taken up being a mom to him. I don’t mind one bit, but then, I was very ready to be a mom when he arrived.

    Rambling. Sorry. Write me? Email? I want to be there for you but don’t want to do so through blog comments. xoxoxox

    • Hey it’s okay, I miss a ton of your posts too when I don’t even go on WordPress and look at anything for days if not weeks….Thank you for your honest comments and advice, I really need to … think about this. I have 4 days left before the termination appointment and it scares the shit out of me, and there are points in time when I think about keeping it….

      But then again, the US sucks fucking doneky balls for being one of the only countries in the WORLD for not having a mandated paid parental leave! I could not believe this…?? What the fuck are people meant to do, take an unpaid break, lose your job, only because you chose to have a child?? Coming from Finland (and even the UK) that have much better parental provisions in place makes me really despise having come here and being in this situation now. I’d literally lose everything….Ahh man I dunno. We’ll talk if you can sometime soon?

      • What? There’s no parental leave? Wow…that’s a whole different mess. Here in Canada we get a year at 60% of our regular salary and if you have a good job they top you up to 80% for the first six months. Even with that though, we were dirt poor when I was on mat leave.

        Take your time. Try not to overthink, which I know is impossible, but, do what is right for YOU. Think of YOU first, as guilt inducing as it may be. Far, far worse than termination, is having to live a whole life you resent or don’t enjoy.

        Anyway…more via email. xx

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