I’ve now gone twice, and although it is a mission to get there (the group meets in Fort Lauderdale and I live in Miami Beach), I still would not miss it for the world!
The group was started by a local non-profit that works with survivors of sexual abuse, and the organizer is a wonderful friendly supportive guy who is super easy to talk to and chat with about serious issues as well as crack jokes with.
There are between 5 and 7 people there each week, and I just really feel like I belong – there is no set agenda, no rules, and no one seems to want it to just be about themselves (I’ve been to those kinds of groups before).
Everyone there is honest, respectful, supportive and very friendly. It is easy to open up!
I really would like to encourage supporters to try groups – I think it’s one of those things where when you’re there, you don’t have to pretend to be anything you’re not.
We walk around all day with masks on, and at least I always try to please people and figure out what it is that people want me to be so I can behave that way, but in a group, around other survivors…you can let your guard down.
I kind of don’t care whether they like me or not. And that’s such a relief!!! I don’t know what it is, but it must have something to do with the fact that when you go, you know that everyone else there was also sexually abused as a child so you already have a common thread weaving through your lives, the big secret, the shameful past, the unbearable pain that raises its ugly head on the regular.
Once you know you all share that in common, the rest doesn’t matter…You know what shame, pain, guilt, and distrust feel like. You all have been victimized by someone using you for sexual pleasure or power. And that’s a big enough reason for you to create a common trust, it’s like a secret society where once you’re in, you’re a member for life.
Never did I think CSA would grant me special treatment. But in this case it does! I am allowed into this group of wonderful human beings who just want to support each other and be around people who just kind of get them.
I met a girl there who last time picked me up from the bus station and dropped me off at the train station (and it still took me over three hours to get home! Public transport here SUCKS!) and it was really sweet, I have a hard time accepting people being nice to me so I feel bad when someone does something for me, but I think it was all good in the end.
Will quit the therapy with the woman who keeps checking her phone during the sessions – must call her tomorrow to cancel this week’s session and all sessions in the future (been putting that off too….I don’t like confrontation!) and maybe find something in the near future, but right now..I dunno, I am not sure I want therapy after all. It’s such an emotional burden to open up and then realize you can’t trust someone after all, and end it and feel broken again and then try move on…
I still speak with my former therapist from England whose nonprofit I volunteer for sometimes, and I promised to write a blog post about healing for them. Must do that this week!
Anyway, all good, just really glad I found these people! Finallllllly I am starting to feel like..I can settle down here. I can maybe one day feel at home. My husband says he doesn’t mind me talking about us in the group so I got that going for me, a life partner who loves me for some odd reason and who is supportive and very caring.
Guess I could have done much worse. Being a survivor, the odds are stacked against you. Prostitution, illness, drug abuse, addiction, abusive partners, unwanted children, cycle of abuse, re-victimization, rape…Yeah can tick a few boxes but generally I should feel very blessed that I somehow managed to function to the degree where I can have someone functioning and “normal” to want to be in a relationship with me!
Have a wonderful Sunday evening and new week and hey, I really in general love all the comments you awesome people leave for me, it’s like the cherry on top, the encouragement and advice and just .. love, that shines through the beautiful words. I’m truly blessed to have this blog and the people around the world who come by to care when they have absolutely no reason to care. Much love xxx