And I want an abortion. I think. I’m pretty sure. Like 80% sure.
It was an accident. Yet, the few people I have told, have congratulated me and are surprised beyond belief when I then say I will probably have an abortion.
I am married, my husband works, there is no abuse in the home, no addiction, we have health insurance and his family around, so seemingly everything is ripe for the start of a family but..I just can’t. I can’t.
When my period was late (it’s never ever late. Even when I was being evicted from my apartment, bullied by my housemates, hated my job and suffered from insomnia and serious anxiety, I never missed a period) my husband happily traipsed to Walgreens to get a pregnancy test, which I took three days later, and when it said I’m pregnant I just had this sinking feeling in my heart…I can’t do this.
He wants it. He is ready for a family. Yet, he doesn’t know my pain which I live with every single day of my life. The pain of abuse, rape, being from a poor single-mother family, being bullied as a child and suffering from all kinds of mental illnesses along the way.
I want to be free. I want to still see the world. Travel. I love getting up and going, moving to other countries and meeting people and opening my mind to cultures and traditions of people from around the world. I don’t want to be tied down!
I told a conservative friend who chastised me severely and said abortion is wrong, anyone can be a good parent, and that I “should have known better”.
And I know I should have. We have never really discussed birth control with my husband, it’s just one of those things, using condoms and the pull-out method (which does work, I can tell you that, from years of experience with my ex) and never sitting down to talk about “what if”.
I have two degrees, I’ve lived in 4 different countries, I speak 8 languages and I’m educated enough to know better. Yet I feel like a little child when it comes to intimacy, I am utterly incapable of asserting myself (hence the rape years ago). I guess I don’t feel I’m worthy enough of..having a voice.
And that got me into this predicament. Yet I don’t want to blame the abuse – after all, it was me who opened my legs!
Thank God I do live in the West with all these freedoms, and I can have a voice when it comes to termination vs proceeding with this!!! I do not have to suffer in the hands of someone using a coat hanger…Like many of our sisters do in parts of the world where women’s rights are shit and it is considered a taboo and an illegal act for a woman to decide when to have a child!
Thank God I have money (shit costs a ton here. Whereas in the UK, it would be free. As would prenatal care, and giving birth. Funny that the fucking conservatives in America who are anti-abortion never wanna make prenatal care and birthing free!! Such fucking hypocrites…Yeah “abortion is wrong, and yes, you have to keep that child, find money to bring it to the world, and put it through life with the financial resources you might not even have!”)
My husband says he will be there for me no matter what I decide, and I have utter respect for him for that! Even though he is ready and wants a baby, he understands I am not, and it is my body.
And not even just my body. My mind. My opinions about how every child should have a decent life, and coming from chaos, I am FUCKING SCARED of transferring that to my child’s life. SCARED. I don’t wanna ruin someone’s life! Especially someone’s who I created. No way. Can’t. Don’t want to. I’d never want anyone to have the life I had, ever. Too much pain!
I also have my issues with sex. I just texted my friend about this, and this is what I said:
Part of me wants to scream, like why the fuck would I even wanna have this baby which is the result of my husband coming on to me, me feeling like I have to do it, it hurt, and after he came I was left alone in bed, while he went to shower, crying silently because he doesn’t even want or try to please me? That this one time he didn’t pull out but just went oops, I think I came in you a bit.
And that my body doesn’t have any value in the sense that he doesn’t even ask if I like it? If it makes me feel good? I once told him that sex hurts, and sometimes I do it as a form of self harm, as a punishment, because it makes me feel powerful and strong the more it hurts, the more powerful it makes me feel if I can endure it.
He loves me, he cares about me, but he has NO idea what abuse does to people. How it renders able, smart women like me immobile, unable to assert themselves, paralyzed even.
I want to one day have a child, I think. One. And adopt one. But I need to heal first! It is my right!! I have the right to take my time to heal what I can heal, and learn to live with the rest. It might take years, who knows. I might never be ready. And that is my right.
I am also on antidepressants which harm fetuses. I use my electronic cigarette all day every day, I’m addicted to nicotine and sugar, I drink and don’t take vitamins. I don’t want to harm an unborn child with medicines that I have to take because I’m depressed, and I can’t get off the meds because they allow me to cope to some degree with the effects of the abuse and trauma.
I have the right to take care of me, above the right for something inside of me to live. And I know and expect responses to this post for sure, it is a fucking heated debate, but I stand tall and believe in my beliefs. I am tired of trying to please people (this started, of course, when the abuse started. I was Daddy’s Little Girl, there for his pleasure and there to please him), I am partly being so honest and open about this because I want to have a voice.
Women don’t talk about abortions. And I wanna stir up some shit and say this shit out loud. We also don’t openly talk about abuse, and maybe one beautiful day I can stand tall and proud in front of people saying I’m a survivor. Until then, I’ll just stir shit up with my little ways.
Two weeks to go before I can terminate, two weeks to decide what I wanna do. Two long weeks to live with a parasite inside of me that got there because of stupidity and recklessness and not being able to be assertive. Thank God I have the freedom to make these choices!
Have a beautiful weekend
x LittleGirlInTheRain x