So as you all know, having moved to the US to be with my husband, I obviously had a lot of paperwork to sort out for me to actually stay here.
It’s been a long, expensive journey – the fees have been about $1500 and it’s taken over 6 months!! – but finally we had our immigration interview and after an hour and a half of interrogation (It was not pleasant) the officer said we’re approved and my green card will arrive in the mail!
It was a moment of..I don’t know, surreal joy in a way, but sadness in the sense that it now is official, and I am staying here, and it’s final, and there is no way out, and soon when I get my social security card I’ll work and then the normal days begin……
I hate finality. I hate endings. I also hate when something feels eternal, unchanging, a forced situation that makes me unbelievably sad and anxious.
It was all fun and games when we moved from being friends to being romantic, and then figuring out our journey, and me moving, and everything else, but now….this is is! This is…final. The everyday grind will continue until the day I die.
I have a HUGE yearning to be FREE. I’ve realized I’m a loner at heart, I keep secrets in my soul and wallow in my emotions and always feel like no one understands me and that I’m all alone in this world.
My mom calls me selfish. And it’s true, I like (no, I NEED) to do what I want to do, go where I want to go. I hate feeling responsible, I can’t deal with the normalcy of adult life.
I felt trapped in London. I had been in a semi-bad relationship for three years by the time I broke up with my ex, our landlord of the shared house I lived in was evicting us through court proceedings, I hated my job but could not find anything else, I felt like life was not worth living as it was too much pain and stress and shit.
And then M and I connected at a work conference – I’d always had a crush on him from the distance, and could not believe my luck when he reciprocated my affections!
Not that I thought he was The One, there is no such thing, but he immediately felt…safe. He is a kind, considerate, no-bullshit type of a man who lives a simple life, loves cars and video games, and is open-minded and friendly.
After the conference I kept thinking about him a lot. I wanted us to date, but he kept saying no, long distance won’t work out, he’s tried it, doesn’t wanna do it, no no no.
I spent a lot of time with my ex during those few months, torn between the love that was who wanted me back, and the love that could be out there, far away.
I came see M here in Miami, and we just…I dunno, I told him I loved him because he felt exactly the kind of man who I know would never hurt me, would take care of me, would love me and keep me safe.
I used to go for emotionally unavailable men/women, people with issues, tough and dangerous guys. My ex-bf was the first whom I trusted for real, but it turned out we just could not work it out…As I’ve said before, the more he accused me of not caring about him, the more I hid my emotions and thoughts and feelings and lived a double life.
And I just knew. I mean, I could have forgotten M and gone back to my ex and stayed in London and moved to his mom’s place with him and lived a simple life, but I just wanted..more. I wanted a real, honest, safe relationship. So I kept coming to see M, taking a month off work, trying to sort out how we could be together.
And then we got married! He asked me and I thought he was joking, I mean, he’s that dry-humor IT guy type of person, it was so nonchalant, no fireworks and flash mobs involved, and so I guess I thought about it and was like yeah, that could work. Ha ha. Really not that romantic, the whole thing!
And then I ended up here. Bored and lonely, not fitting in, living through my husband’s life, and yeah I’ve resented how easy it’s been for him compared to me.
I left ALL my friends. My job. My life. My hometown. My safety zone, my little bubble in London, to move across the ocean for a man. It has not been easy. But I know when I said my vows I meant it, and no matter what, I am determined to make it work. It has to!
Not that I haven’t thought about leaving. Gosh, it plays on my mind…Just taking a flight back to London where I felt like I belonged, my home, my little life of after-work drinks with friends and strolling up and down the wet streets of north London, my gym classes and great public transport, where I could be who I wanted to be.
I had found a nonprofit that offers therapeutic services for survivors, and I went there for yeeears. It was home! I saw a therapist there for a few years until she got really sick all of a sudden, and then I had my issues of anger and feeling rejected, but I’m over it now.
Wow, this was meant to be a short post but my mind keeps racing and here I am, writing a novel about my life! Oops. Anyway. More on stuff later. I’m drained now, emotionally, gosh, so many emotions…….