So….I’m in therapy! Yay!
After months of faffing around and thinking about finding a therapist I finally got my act together, called my insurance company and asked how I should go about finding a therapist.
They told me to find an in-network provider with whom my copay would only be $20 a session! AND the best part is, it’s open-ended, so I could go however long I felt like I wanted to!
But they have not made it easy to find someone…Random names on a list, calling places and not getting through, and eventually I just picked a name that looked like she had her own practice, called, and got an appointment.
Her office is a 15-minute walk from where I live now, so that’s a bonus. Herself, not so much.
During the first meeting she got up and went to the bathroom, and kept checking her phone.
I’d done a search on psychologytoday.com on her and the bio was vague, but I’d gone anyway, and well, I will stick to my choice although I don’t particularly like her.
I am not sure what her therapy style is (she did tell me but I was disoriented and not listening) but I think the main thing is that she is not a motherly figure, she is to-the-point kind of middle-aged lesbian lady in jeans and sneakers, and I go in, talk, she says things and then I leave.
No attachment, I don’t like her, we have nothing in common, and I feel like she is the type I can keep at a distance.
I’ve now gone twice and two things have popped up:
1. I don’t want to change. I am happy being miserable, feeling like an angry depressed victim, and I thrive in sadness.
2. I just want to go talk to someone once a week about everything that’s going on, how I feel, and not be judged. I don’t want anything more of it.
I have had all these diagnoses in my lifetime, and I’ve now realized this is who I am, I don’t want to change, I am comfortable in my uncomfortable state. My feelings and emotions, behaviors and responses are familiar and comfortable.
So I will stick to my choice (I wish I hadn’t had a choice, I wish someone had just told me who to see, like in England and the public health system where you get appointed whoever is available. I like to not have choice so at least you can’t feel like you have made the wrong choice!) and keep going.
We shall see how it goes…Happy Presidents’ Day everyone!