I finally found a therapist!

So….I’m in therapy! Yay!

After months of faffing around and thinking about finding a therapist I finally got my act together, called my insurance company and asked how I should go about finding a therapist.

They told me to find an in-network provider with whom my copay would only be $20 a session! AND the best part is, it’s open-ended, so I could go however long I felt like I wanted to!

But they have not made it easy to find someone…Random names on a list, calling places and not getting through, and eventually I just picked a name that looked like she had her own practice, called, and got an appointment.

Her office is a 15-minute walk from where I live now, so that’s a bonus. Herself, not so much.

During the first meeting she got up and went to the bathroom, and kept checking her phone.

I’d done a search on psychologytoday.com on her and the bio was vague, but I’d gone anyway, and well, I will stick to my choice although I don’t particularly like her.

I am not sure what her therapy style is (she did tell me but I was disoriented and not listening) but I think the main thing is that she is not a motherly figure, she is to-the-point kind of middle-aged lesbian lady in jeans and sneakers, and I go in, talk, she says things and then I leave.

No attachment, I don’t like her, we have nothing in common, and I feel like she is the type I can keep at a distance.

I’ve now gone twice and two things have popped up:

1. I don’t want to change. I am happy being miserable, feeling like an angry depressed victim, and I thrive in sadness.

2. I just want to go talk to someone once a week about everything that’s going on, how I feel, and not be judged. I don’t want anything more of it.

I have had all these diagnoses in my lifetime, and I’ve now realized this is who I am, I don’t want to change, I am comfortable in my uncomfortable state. My feelings and emotions, behaviors and responses are familiar and comfortable.

So I will stick to my choice (I wish I hadn’t had a choice, I wish someone had just told me who to see, like in England and the public health system where you get appointed whoever is available. I like to not have choice so at least you can’t feel like you have made the wrong choice!) and keep going.

We shall see how it goes…Happy Presidents’ Day everyone!

LittleGirl xxx

 

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “I finally found a therapist!

  1. Hey! I hate that you had such a crap experience. maybe you could take those names from your list and do some further research online/google. I’ve usually had better experience when I’ve been able to check out therapists websites, their specialties, philosophies, etc. Don’t give up hon. You deserve to be happy & it’s worth the effort. Take care!

  2. Just remember, you don’t have to stay with the new T if you don’t like working with her. I understand wanting to keep her at a distance in the beginning but you’ll need to learn to trust her and form a connection of some sort to be able to sort such enormous things out in your head. You know? Talking to someone is nice but learning about exactly who you are and what made you that way is the real work…it’s the stuff that makes therapy worthwhile…the idea that you can analyse and walk away a better person (in your own opinion) in the end.

    Wishing you nothing but luck and love. 🙂 xx

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