A Letter To My Ex-Boyfriend

My second session with my new therapist started with me explaining why I miss home (London) so much, and how I am feeling embarrassed and guilty for still fiercely missing my ex-boyfriend.

She told me that to let go, I could try writing a letter…I didn’t wanna do it there and then, but thought maybe I could write it and post it here and so in some way it might help me to move on from that relationship…So here goes…

Dear L,

I love you so much. I do. I always did, even when I thought I’d fallen out of love (already a little bit into our relationship..I know, I never told you), I still really did love you. Maybe I wasn’t in love, but I loved you, love you now, and forever will love you.

I was so angry though. I never told you exactly what I thought about almost anything – I was always scared of making you angry, or disappointing you, or making you feel let down. I kept saying things I know you wanted me to say for you to stay with me.

We were so different, but when it was just you and I, everything was perfect. You understood me, loved me, and cared about me like no one had ever done before you.

I miss you so fucking much. All the time. I miss your touch, your smile, your muscular back, your hugs, your soft skin. I miss your laughter, your jokes, your family.

I told you early on I always end up hurting people even when I don’t want to hurt them, and you said it wouldn’t happen, but it did. We fell in love, it was raw, young puppy love and it was so beautiful.

Our walks in the nights of London, in Alexandra Palace park. The long day we spent in Hampstead Heath when we climbed trees and walked up and down the hills, and ran for the bus in the rain. I remember it all and miss is so much my heart breaks a little when I let my mind wander back to those days.

You and I on my bed in my hideous rented rooms in Wood Green and Turnpike Lane. Your smile made me feel safe. I loved kissing you, you turned me on, and when the sex was good it was mind-blowing. You healed me!

I know I obsessed about sex and you knew it. You knew I pretended a lot. Yet you let me do what I wanted, you knew it was important for me. You wanted to heal my broken body and soul and for that I always will be grateful.

You took time to please me. I didn’t know it then, but you’re one-in-a-million man. You just…got me, understood me, we were one.

You did everything for me. You travelled to where I wanted to go, you helped me start my first business, you believed in me. You lived your life for me in every single way and I didn’t appreciate it! And I am so mad at myself for not realizing the value of us, and for holding on to it!

You are a beautiful human being, inside and out (out especially, you’re so fucking hot it always got me wet to see you in your boxers).

I am so angry for being fucked up. For not talking, communicating. I let three years pass without being honest with you! I just am not good at talking…About my feelings, especially if it might hurt the other person.

I was so mad at you all the time. I hated so many things!!!! My friends thought I had changed, and I did change, for you.

I stopped being me. You knew I was bi, but because of your fears and moodiness I had to stop going out to gay clubs. I had to please you for you to be with me! You know I wasn’t going to cheat on you (again, and that kiss was important because only when I kissed my ex-girlfriend did I realize how much you meant to me!!!

I hated you checking my phone, I hated being accountable to you, I wanted to be FREE. Yes, we were together but that doesn’t mean we have to be attached at the hip! But I think that’s what you wanted and I didn’t. I am fiercely independent, and yes I needed you and need you still, but..it had to be on my terms. I’m sorry, but that’s just how I am..

I hated that you didn’t want to do anything with your life. I hated that I earned more and to be honest, I never wanted to go out anywhere because I knew you didn’t have that much. I didn’t want to be a burden, so it was easier to stay at home…But really I wanted to be with a MAN who provides for me – not that I can’t provide for myself, but I wanted to feel like a woman.

I wasn’t independent with you. I always had to tell you where I was, what I was doing, who I was with. I wanted to tell you when someone flirted with me because I thought it would make you feel proud that you’re the one I’m with, not them, but you didn’t think about it like that. You got moody and angry.

I could not deal with your moods!! I couldn’t deal with the fact that with you, we’d never have a house, money, holidays, a regular middle-class life. That was not your aspiration, but it was mine. I am middle-class orientated, yeah I’m always broke, but I WANT things in life…I WANT to work for things.

Academia, education, work…They’re so important for me to define my status, but that wasn’t you. And I got so fucking frustrated. You’re not stupid. You’re smart, and you could go places if YOU wanted. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and DO SOMETHING.

Or maybe you don’t even want to. And that’s how we were different. And yes, sometimes I was embarrassed to be around my rich educated friends who you didn’t even want to talk to because you felt inferior! My friends don’t judge, but it did get to me. It really did. I want to be proud of who I’m with, and I wasn’t proud of your accomplishments. I am so sorry to say this now, but it is the honest truth.

I think I felt superior to you sometimes – even in the middle of all my mental health issues and being a survivor with all my fucked up issues I still fucking got up and got myself an education, aspired to be someone, have money and build a life. That’s why I never respected you, and that’s why it could never work.

Not that you acted ghetto, because I think inside you had class, but … it’s hard to explain without sounding stush and posh, but the class difference and values was just too much for me to handle!

I still fucking miss you so fucking much. And it makes no sense. I left you, I decided to move on, I fell in love with someone else and got married. But every single day I think about you.

I think it’s because my husband doesn’t respond to me the way I need to be responded to, and you did. He doesn’t take time to understand my needs in life, he doesn’t make love to me like you did, I don’t even want to have sex with him anymore because he isn’t you.

Our love was puppy love…It wasn’t mature. But I miss the lack of responsibilities I had with you. You living with your mom infuriated me (grow up!!! move out! Get a fucking life!) but it was also safe. We could never afford to buy or rent together so we could have our teenage love affair without strings attached to mortgage or kids.

I entertain ideas of packing up, flying back home to London, knocking on your door and asking you to take me back. I do. It is embarrassing to admit it, but I do. Not that you’d take me back but..I fantasize about it. I fantasize about running into your arms, seeing your beautiful smile and being safe with you. If only for a bit until the reality of life sets in and I know I have a career to chase, house to buy in the future, kids to have and a responsible adult life to live.

I miss you in my quiet moments, I miss you pulling my hair, I miss you kissing my neck..I miss your perfect oral sex skills, I miss how you wanted me to come first. I miss you taking time out to read about survivors or sexual abuse, I miss how I could start crying in the middle of sex and you weren’t scared.

I miss so many things about you it is crushing my spirit. It is making me doubt my choices in life. Could we have worked it out?

Or is it that you only miss things when they’re gone? The last few years together…man, I started having crushes on other people, I liked flirting, feeling free. I didn’t want to be with someone who tied me down like you did. Someone with whom I didn’t have the same values and aspirations. Someone who I didn’t respect as a man and as a provider, someone who I could never tell my mom about because she would judge you.

And I know she would. She is all about education and you didn’t even go to college! I was embarrassed to tell her about you. That you lived with your mom, that you had a shit job and no way out. We had no future that would have provided me with the things I realized I needed from a man.

All good things come to an end. I wish I would have been able to talk to you…Maybe you would have changed? But then again, why be with someone if you can’t accept them the way they are?

And I didn’t accept you the way you were. Just like you didn’t accept me as I was. You hated parts of me! My history, I even had to ditch my best friend for you!

My husband knows I talk to my ex-girlfriend and he isn’t bothered. And because he isn’t bothered makes me feel secure in our relationship. I don’t want to cheat on him, I respect him, and my crushes on other people are gone because I don’t feel asphyxiated by his presence in my life.

He wants me to be me, he accepts me the way I am. He let’s me be..me. He doesn’t understand me or get me on a deeply emotional level, but he knows that’s who I am and he let’s me be that. He isn’t threatened by other men or women, he doesn’t keep tabs on me, he trusts me.

You never trusted me. And that weighed me down. When I broke up with you I only meant to show you I mean business and I wanted to start a conversation about us, but once time passed I felt FREE. I was finally FREE of the shackles of your incessant neediness of me.

But I want to tell you that I don’t regret anything, I don’t regret being with you, hanging out for months after we broke up, and I don’t regret still loving you. I will forever and always love you and miss you.

I’ve been listening so some songs..They’ve made me sad and reminded me of you…

Passenger’s “Let Her Go” is how I feel about you…here’s the lyrics –

Well you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Just take away “her” and insert “him”.

Adele’s “Someone Like You”

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it.
I’d hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
That for me it isn’t over.

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.”

And…Jessie Ware, “Wildest Moments”

You and I, blurred lines,
We come together every time
Two wrongs, no rights,
We lose ourselves at night

A from the outside, from the outside,
Everyone must be wondering why we try,
Why do we try

Baby in our wildest moments,
We could be the greatest, we could be the greatest,
Baby in our wildest moments,
We could be the worst of all
Baby in our wildest moments,
We could be the greatest, we could be the greatest,
Baby in our wildest moments,
We could be the worst of all

That is all…Well not all. I have so much to say, but I feel more at peace.

I hope you loved, and even though you lost, I hoped you found something in you to keep going on. I wish you all the best in the world!!! I want you to move on, you deserve happiness. All the things I didn’t give you.

With so much love that my heart beats to the rhythm of our shared heartbeats,

M xxxxx

 

 

 

 

 

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3 thoughts on “A Letter To My Ex-Boyfriend

  1. Wow my friend. That is some powerful, honest stuff. Your therapist had a good idea there…but what you have done is still not easy. You admitted to your faults in the relationship but also held him accountable for the ways things went. If you were truly embarrassed to be with him (and that’s totally okay you know…we love who we love and we are responsible for our own happiness in life) it is likely best that you broke ties anyway.
    One other thought I had while reading this…you and your husband are still relatively new in your relationship. There’s a very good chance that he will grow to understand you and respond to your needs the way you wish he did now, in the future. Communicate with him and let him know what’s missing from your life (or maybe don’t put it that way, but you know what I mean?)

    xx Good work my friend. *hugs*

    • Thank you!! For all your kind and honest words. I think writing it all down allowed me to let go and let peace come into my heart and soul. I am finally starting to move on and it feels great! I have really been miserable lately, very depressed and so writing something really deep and honest allowed me to be really honest with myself and not feel guilty for my feelings towards him, and I think that’s been so helpful in then finding tranquility.

      I know what you mean, and I am working on it! Hope to speak with you soon!

      hugs back!!! And good luck on the ice hockey game tomorrow! (If you watch the Olympics)

      • Whoot!!! Thanks. We killed it on the ice today!! I didn’t really watch a lot of the Olympics but it’s always great to see your country bring it home. Men’s and ladies gold was pretty amazing. Those kids will get a hell of a welcome home. :):):)

        I’ve been struggling along too. We really need to catch up soon. Have a proper chat. Xx

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