Healing sexually from sexual abuse

I know I have talked about this before, but it seems like a really important topic for me right now. Maybe it’s because I’m now yet again in a relationship and since all previous ones have failed – not just because of my sexual issues, but I think they always played a part – it seems like a good time to try heal sexually.

Not that I know where to start…?! I have always had sex in my relationships (and outside of commitment too) but it’s just never been right and generally I’m just tired of my shit, and want to have a better quality of life (not just sexually, in other ways too) but do not have a clue where to start.

In a way, a lot of my issues and thoughts and behavior are deep rooted. I have felt the same for as long as I can remember! And, what’s normal anyway??

I listen to girls talk about hooking up, guys talk about banging, people talking about regretting sex they’ve had, and these are people who weren’t abused, so if normal people behave in ways that they regret later, what chance do I have?

I bought this book on Amazon about sexual healing, it’s by Wendy Maltz, and it’s titled The Sexual Healing Journey, and I’ve been hoping it’ll help me before I find a therapist and start working on things that way.

I try to understand what it is that is “wrong” with me, and the list is long…

I have always been hyper-sexual in my mind, and want all men to sexually like me and find me attractive, even if I don’t like them.

I confuse sex with love and care.

I seek sex when I feel other things.

I use sex as a form of self harm as it usually hurts (penetration).

I use sex as a weapon.

I regret most of my sexual encounters.

I am confused sexually, and I don’t really know whether I’m straight or gay, have experimented with both and identify as bisexual, but neither gender provides me with sexual pleasure really, at the end of the day.

I have inappropriate fantasies, often involving abuse or rape or submission of the female.

I have sex because I feel it’s my duty. I pretend to like it to be liked and loved. I feel powerful and desirable and beautiful when I sexually turn someone on even if I’m not interested or turned on.

I almost always cry after sex feeling abused and used and powerless.

I never tell anyone what I like, I find sex and talking about it embarrassing and it makes me feel vulnerable.

I grew up feeling grossed out by men and their man parts, but at the same time I always had obsessive thoughts about it, like on a gross scale.

I hate men, a lot. I hate that I am an object of desire, that they’re animals for wanting me, yet I want them to want me. Fucked up.

These are just some things that come to mind, and really, I know it’s like not such a big deal, but I just am so tired of not being fulfilled in this part of my life, I’m tired of the pain and crying and my self harm and obsessions and the thoughts of feeling dirty and used.

I really hope this book can help me, I kind of think you can heal sexually, but at the same time, the journey seems too long and too much work is involved and it would mean that I’d have to come out of my bubble and venture out into the unknown…

We shall see. Anyone else with stories of healing that they’d like to share?

xx

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2 thoughts on “Healing sexually from sexual abuse

  1. You mentioned “normal” people. If you follow that idea you’re screwing yourself. Our culture is sex obsessed. As americans were screwed up about sex. You know this from your own experience. I love your post because it’s very honest. I can tell it’s how you view the world based on what another human’s actions did to you. Give yourself a chance and time to heal by seeking the root of your issue. It’s not men or sex but the anger you have inside of what was done to you. You’re on your own journey, only you can heal yourself.

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