Sorry if you haven’t been able to get to the blog. I ran out of my domain registration and as I often do, I kept postponing dealing with the situation as I just didn’t wanna renew at their new prices, but hey ho, finally just went with it and I’m now renewed for another year and will be looking to change providers next year.
Bacterial Vaginosis. Not sure if I mentioned, but I know I talked about the yeast infection and then my doctor called saying the swap they’d done showed BV, and I was on antibiotics for a week and now I’m still a bit ugggggh about the state of my vagina (sorry for TMI) but have to hope it all goes well and I stop having issues.
It is so hard, having vaginal issues as a survivor of sexual abuse. I mean, no woman likes the itching or other symptoms of UTI, BV, yeast infection etc, but when you live in America where healthcare costs, you keep pushing on without seeing a doctor, AND when you go as a survivor, the thought of opening your legs and showing someone your icky private situation is not pleasant……
I know most women get these things but I had never had BV before and I’m now panicking about the reason. I definitely don’t wanna ever have any of this again!!! I felt so naked and vulnerable at the doctor’s, and I’d rather the discomfort than have to deal with it again.
It’s no biggie, but I definitely have intimacy and sexual issues as it is, so having someone strange prod around (even during a smear test) is just so humiliating and it puts you in that vulnerable situation of someone else being in control of your intimate area, just like it was when the abuse happened. Of course it’s not the same, but you know what I mean.
Immigration. Still no papers, case still pending, one is getting frustrated. I had no idea how long this would take, and I don’t wish this on anyone. Feeling already alienated from your regular normal old life is hard to deal with, but being someone who isn’t allowed to participate in the normal life is also hard.
I knew what I was getting into, moving here and settling down and getting married and committing for life, so really I feel guilty complaining.
About that, marriage, yeah, it’s strange. I never ever thought I would settle down with someone! But then again, I never was with the right person before. There always were issues. Now I feel like the issues are minor, more to do with me, and we are working together instead of against each other.
My hubby is super understanding and I try to open up. I have recently started talking a little in the evenings, just small things, and I think he is listening. Like, last night I said it feels like I am like a stranger to him when he has sex with me, and he was like really, that’s how you feel? And I said well, yeah, sometimes. And he just hugged me tight and said no, that’s not it at all.
So I think with time, we will create a lasting bond, my life was just a mess and he kind of pulled me out of my misery and offered me a chance to have a normal relationship and a normal life despite all my issues, and he is fully committed to helping me be happy. It feels strange and abnormal to be in this situation, but it also feels good deep inside.
Have a beautiful day xx