Four months in the US

My God, I’ve been in Miami now for 4 months!

So much has happened. I actually got married to my boyfriend here (surprise!) and so yeah…I am married, living a completely new life, and most days I am actually really struggling to come to terms with it all.

We didn’t go out for very long. We’d been friends for years and “knew” each other, but the leap from friendship to relationship just happened, and then it was like well, we’re both 30, like each other, don’t think anyone better is gonna come along, let’s do it.

So we did.

Christmas was hard. HARD. I cried for 4 days missing my ex all of a sudden (well, I miss him intermittently). The codependency, his unending love and care, and the fact that he knew me SO well are these crazy things that I miss.

I am not close emotionally with my husband. Not yet. I have decided to draw boundaries this time and make it actually work instead of fail like all my other relationships (clearly they were not meant to be, but still, endings are so so so fucking HARD)

I used to tell everyone who cared to listen, about the abuse and rape and shit. Now, I very carefully reveal pieces of myself to him. I don’t just want to be the sad victim who self harms and is pitied! I do pity myself, but that’s a whole another thing.

He’ll never have access to this blog. I made the mistake of revealing it to my ex, who got angry when I wouldn’t let him see it – “But all your friends read it!”. I had to stop saying what I wanted to say here knowing he’d read it………………………………..

My husband is a caring man, he has a degree, he is funny, a fairly good job, he pays the bills and wants to take care of me.

He sometimes asks me about the scars and I brush him off.

He accidentally saw the fresh ones and asked me if I wasn’t happy here. I am, but I’m not.

The trouble with me is that I’m never happy. No matter what happens, I am miserable. Really, a loser a lot of people don’t want to be friends with. I have no friends here!

Some days I feel okay with my decisions. I left everything to come here to live as equal partners with this man who I hope is The One. It is a lot of work! I suck at relationships and constantly live in my head and the misery that lives there.

Yeah so I don’t tell him anything because he sacrificed a lot for us to be together and I don’t want to disappoint him or make him feel I’m ungrateful or anything like that.

We don’t talk much, but it doesn’t really worry me. He is a good guy really, we have no drama, no arguments, he trusts me, I trust him…..I still wonder how I even got here?!?!?!?! How can someone as dysfunctional as me actually live with someone, have gotten married, and actually chose someone who doesn’t have a ton of issues??????

I do not know what love is.

I know he loves me though, he says it, and I believe it. When we said our “I do’s” I meant it too. No turning back now!

Of course I can’t tell him about missing my ex. I hope I have made the right decisions. Borderline or not borderline, I do crazy things and yes, quitting my job in London to move to Miami to marry a friend/boyfriend was insane but I pray for the best….No turning back now as I said!

I want to find therapy. I already found a codependency group online that I will start going to, but I want to join a support group, and also be in therapy. SOOOOO fucking much has happened!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A year ago…I broke up with my ex on New Year’s Eve. I was livid, angry, upset, sad, all these horrible things. We met up a week later but I refused to get back together. The next four months are a blur….we were in and out of intimate friendship, no boundaries, I made out with a few people along the way celebrating my single life…

I went to Finland as a great aunt passed away, had a close friend admitted to a psych ward for psychosis, and now we’re not even friends anymore. DRAMA.

I was involved in a court case where our landlord was evicting my housemates and I from our flat. Bullying in the house, arguments, lies, deceit, court appearances as a unified front, OMG it was HORRIBLE. I’d moved in through a Craigslist ad so we hadn’t even known each other from before and we had to defend ourselves together….It did not end well. I moved out in May, moved all my shit to storage and came to the US for a friend’s wedding.

I visited M in Miami and we had an amazing week together….I fell for his caring nature, upbeat personality, quirky goofiness and warm smile. He is a big geek, video gamer, a nerd, funny guy who gets along with anyone and everyone. He likes eeeeeeveryone!

Dreary London, homelessness, sleeping on friend’s living room floor…Debating what the fuck I should do with my life….June was hard!

I took a month off and came back to Miami and we decided after many days that yes, we should get together and date and be together forever and…yup, I went back to England, cleared a room full of storage (took me a week to haul shit in bags on three buses from North London to South London…), quit my job, and went to Finland one final time.

Skin cancer scare there (mole removal and subsequent biopsy revealed cancerous cell changes), lots of family drama, LOTS of it, and finally…I was on my way to Miami to start the first day of the rest of my life.

Four months have gone by and I have somewhat settled. I am interning and volunteering a bit, we had a small wedding, live on South Beach in a tiiiiiny apartment with crazy neighbors, I have already started running to the doctor’s on a regular basis (something is always wrong with me. Just had a knee x-rayed today for knee pain. Ugh.) and hence have decided I hate the healthcare system here, and I keep missing my past for some fucking reason…

Guess predictability is good for me. I hate my job, my housemates, my relationship was a lot of shit too…But all of that was familiar and predictable.

Sigh. I can’t sleep. The dog is snoring and my husband is snoring and I’m here in the dark jotting my crazy life down.

Fears about my inability to be happy, my mental health problems, the future…

What if I never find a job? What if I never want to work or am even able to? Will he leave me when he gets reeeeal tired of my shit?

My games, hiding true thoughts, pretending..it’s taking me nowhere. I should change.

Okay I think this post is long enough. Have a good night. Off to my thoughts I go.

Love, lg xx

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2 thoughts on “Four months in the US

  1. Hey you xx I think it’s very healthy that you are processing all of this now. I’m glad your hubs is a well adjusted man who seems to have his shit together…really, it’s much easier in the long run if only one partner has issues to cope with (of this nature anyway). I fell in love with a guy who was way sicker than me and things were terrible throughout the entire relationship. Although he put me through hell, I still miss him sometimes. A lot of the time, really.

    Where you are now is a healthier environment where you can focus on yourself and move forward. I commend you for trying something so new and scary!! I think that you might want to come clean, a little…with hubs though. You don’t have to spell everything out but maybe let him in on the struggle you face. I’m just worried he’ll think it’s him who is making you so unhappy at times. *hugs*

    I’m sorry I was MIA over Christmas…I really wanted to hang out with you on Skype but I was asleep almost the entire holiday. :S I’m always here in email though, you know that. I consider you a friend even though we’re too far apart to visit. xo

    • No problem! I fell into really deep depression anyway over the holidays and would not have been good company to be around or even talk to, I just complained and cried for days anyway. Hope you got lots of rest! I really do know I need to talk to him but…it is so hard! It goes against everything I’m about…I have realized I hide eeeeeevrything uncomfortable and just pretend..I mull over everything in my head but to say things out loud? I just can’t. I can write them down here but cannot say them out loud in real life. I don’t know how to even start…I would start crying and then it’s just downhill from there..Thank you for being there and for always taking time out to come by and leave the encouraging comments, I really really appreciate it!

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