I think the older I get and the more I experience in life (and the more analytic I am able to be), the more I detest having BPD. It is such a curse, and just recently I spoke with a friend who was like, “why do you think you have it?” to which I said, well of course it all comes from the childhood abuse, so really, sexual abuse sucks fucking ass, but the after effects really suck even more.
1. People Don’t Understand
I don’t even understand myself, so in a way, how can I expect others to get why I behave or think the way I do? There is no reason for some of my weird things, and it is frustrating to have to operate in the Real World with a disorder like this when you feel like an alien.
2. You Never Feel Normal
I always wonder if something that I feel is normal, or if it is because of my BPD. I have to talk to others to find out whether they’d feel the same, just to figure out whether my thoughts are BDP-related or just normal human feelings.
3. It is Embarrassing
I don’t tell people. I can’t! If I had a physical illness, it would be much easier to disclose and talk about it. My partner doesn’t even know about my BPD…I think he’s freak out. I did tell my ex, L, as I got diagnosed when we were together, and he was sympathetic, for which I’m grateful, but not everyone is going to be understanding. It still is a mental health condition and hence embarrassing. Who wants to be judged, after all??
4. There is No Cure
Of course there are forms of therapies, but there is no magic pill. And that’s unfortunate.
5. It is Seen as an Illness when Really, It is a Symptom
At least in my opinion. Depression, yes i get it, I definitely got it from my mother’s milk (her words, not mine), but BPD. I am like 99% sure I developed it from being sexually abused as a child. And since you can’t take the abuse away, how can you take my BPD away?
6. It Makes You Do Fucked Up Things
Things that make no sense to a normal person.
Self harm – sitting here with cuts on my arms because I’ve been so distraught over the last couple of days
Acting crazy – When my bestest-ever friend started dating another friend, I went ballistic as I felt I’d been abandoned. He had been my rock, my guardian angel, and when he had a girlfriend all of a sudden I felt I’d lost him and I could not deal. Like, I really went ballistic. Not going into the details, but ballistic pretty much covers my behavior over the next few years as they started dating.
Lying – I have realized I try to avoid abandonment so badly that I behave how people want me to behave for them to like me, and I’m a nightmare in relationships. I tell partners what they want to hear for them to love me, not necessarily how I really feel inside at all. And voila, a crazy web of lies and hidden emotions is being weaved around the unsuspecting victim who happened to fall in love with me.
And all kinds of other things…
7. Your Impulsiveness Means You Can’t Function
I am so impulsive it’s not even funny. One day, I wanna do this for a career, next day it’s something else. I am 30 years old with no history of a proper career, just jobs after jobs. I have a Master’s degree in something I’ve never worked in. I always think the grass is greener on the other side, I’m never ever happy with anything, and I jump into situations feeling like yes, this is it! This will resolve all my problems! Only to wake up a little later realizing it was a fucking mistake…
I have no idea what I wanna do for work. I am really black-and-white in my thinking, it’s like, either I’m a complete fuck up and do nothing for the rest of my life, or I’m the king of the world. I can’t be “average”, it really kills me. That’s when I get really depressed, realizing I’m just an average human being..
8. Relationships are just..Not for us.
I have realized. I can’t function in a relationship. I have cheated on every partner up until now (just kissing someone else while in a relationship, I must add. Not that it makes a difference, really. Cheating is cheating), I can’t commit, I always get bored, the rose-colored glasses come off, and I feel like the other person isn’t good enough for me.
I move on, think, wow, this is it, and then stop loving the other person when I realize they’re not The One Who Will Save Me, the one who is perfect for me.
The relationships are dramatic. At least my last one. It was like the Rihanna and Eminem song. Arguments and heated shit, and then passionate love.
9. Friendships are just..Not for us.
When I meet a person I am ALL about them. I wanna tell them everything about myself, hang out, become their BFF. And then one little thing can happen, and I put them in my “bad people’s box” and forget about them. Or stay friends, but harbor resentment for that one digression.
I have gotten friends and lost friends. I used to become friends with very manipulative and bossy people who ruled my life. Around whom I really had to tread lightly to avoid angering them.
It is hard to build normal friendships. Very hard.
10. The Moods. The Moods are Terrible!
I think the mood swings and emotional instability are the hardest to deal with. My mood changes from extreme happiness to extreme depression, sometimes without a reason, and even when there is a reason, the moods are way too extreme for the reason.
I used to be even worse. If I got criticized or did something wrong, I literally wanted to kill myself. I could not deal with not always being perfect, being loved by absolutely everyone, and being always right in everything.
When I’m happy I am on top of the world. And when I’m down I either want to die, or run away. I have done a lot of running away! I always think okay, if I just was somewhere else I’d be happy…The pursuit of happiness is never-ending unreasonable quest, and I am so sad that this is what it will be like, living as me, for the rest of my life.
The emotions are a drain on my energy! I sometimes have no energy left once I’m done with the emotions. They are paralyzing, they take time away from other things, and I feel like I have wasted my whole life just…wrapped up in my emotions.
I wonder if anyone else is out there who feels the same way?